AITA for wanting to get back with my ex
So I started dating this girl my senior year of high school. She didn’t have the best reputation, but that’s high school for you. In the beginning, there were already some red flags, but I looked past them because I’m not perfect either. We ended up dating for four years and lived together most of that time.
By the end of the second year, we were fighting a lot. Neither of us had ever lived with a partner before or spent that much time together, and it started to get really difficult. After one bad argument, I told her I was done. I said I grew up around constant arguing and didn’t want to be in a relationship where I felt put down by my girlfriend. I tried to fight for the relationship for a long time, but at that point it felt like she didn’t even want me around anymore.
During that breakup, I talked to someone else. I shouldn’t have, but I have a hard time being alone. Eventually, I started missing her, and she told me things would be different, so we got back together. And they were better. We set boundaries for arguing and learned how to work with each other instead of against each other.
Later, she found screenshots of me talking to that girl while we were broken up. She woke me up in the middle of the night crying. I didn’t tell her at the time, and seeing how hurt she was made me feel terrible. I did everything I could to make it up to her after that.
She also had a friend group that included her cousin, two of his friends and their girlfriends, and her best friend who had a boyfriend. She had dated two of her cousin’s friends in the past, and I never liked how she still hung out with exes. She knew that made me uncomfortable, but I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt.
About two years after we got back together, around last Christmas break, we were going through another rough patch. She kept hanging out with her exes, and it made me feel bad, so I started distancing myself because I didn’t want to take my anger out on her. One night we argued badly, and I remember praying for clarity about whether the relationship was right.
After the break, I drove an hour to our dorm and everything seemed normal. She was extra sweet and kept saying how lucky she was to have me and that I didn’t deserve her. We made food, watched YouTube, and one of the videos was about a guy killing his girlfriend for cheating. I remember saying I would never do something like that.
Then I tried to be intimate with her, and she stopped me and said she had something to tell me. My heart dropped. She told me that over the break, while drunk, she kissed her ex. She said she immediately regretted it, cried, and kicked him out.
Later, I found out she had also gone to his house after and drove him home. She said he tried to touch her and she told him no. His girlfriend didn’t even know they had broken up, so I made her explain what happened to her.
They both kept saying it was just a kiss, but I didn’t understand why they hid it if that was true.
I was really hurt, but I stayed and tried to forgive her. We stayed together another year, but she kept hanging out with her exes. At some point during a vacation in December, I realized I still felt the same pain I always had. It would ruin my day when she was with them. It wasn’t even the same ex she cheated with, but I had already set that boundary.
I broke up with her in January, but now I miss her a lot and keep wondering if I made the right decision. I really love her and can’t imagine building a family with someone else. I just wish none of that happened. Now she’s saying she’ll cut everyone off and all she does is think about me. Is there any hope for a future with her, or should I leave it alone?