I (37F) fell in love with someone (29NB autistic) who says our deeply intimate connection wasn’t romantic for them and I genuinely can’t make sense of it
Okay I’m kinda emotionally wrecked right now and trying to make sense of something.
I (37F) am in a 7 year, long term open relationship that has already had some issues around emotional disconnect/intimacy/etc for a while now. Him (38M) and I are doing a lot of work on this currently, therapy, etc. I met someone (29NB) a couple of weeks ago on a long work trip and we got incredibly close really fast. Like attached at the hip. Talking for hours every day, constant physical contact, cuddling, hand holding, saying “I love you,” emotionally intense conversations, crying together, deep eye contact, all of it. There were multiple moments where it felt like we might kiss. Other people around us also started seeing us as very couple-y, and telling us we were “adorable”.
The confusing part is that they don’t really experience it as romantic in the same way I do. Or at least that’s what they say. They’re autistic, queer, very physically affectionate with friends, and have gone through some pretty traumatic grief after someone they fell in love with died years ago. They admitted they think that changed something in them around romantic attachment. They also said they tend to panic once they know someone has a crush on them.
The thing is, I genuinely cannot wrap my head around how what we experienced ISN’T romance to them. Like intellectually I understand people experience intimacy differently, especially in queer/neurodivergent/poly spaces, but emotionally I’m just like ??? then what the hell WAS that???
And I don’t think I made it up either because there really was a lot of intensity there. Even after I told them I had feelings, things got deeper in some ways. More hand holding, more emotional vulnerability, more charged moments, talking about being in love. At one point they literally told me they were scared because our connection reminded them of the person they fell in love with who later died. Like how am I supposed to not interpret that romantically??
But they also repeatedly said there’s “no crush energy” there for them. And honestly they’ve communicated really openly and kindly through all of this. No one is being manipulative or weird. That’s part of what makes it harder honestly. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced communication like this.
I feel like I’m grieving something really real while also questioning my own ability to understand relationships.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of thing? Either being deeply emotionally/physically intimate with someone without it feeling romantic TO YOU or
being on my side where it felt impossible NOT to experience romantically?
I’m trying really hard not to turn this into “I’m not enough” because they’ve been clear it’s not about me being unattractive or unlovable or whatever. But wow this has absolutely scrambled my brain and heart. And reminds me very intensely of my own past trauma around not being chosen in a familiar dynamic I existed in with a friend for a long time that really broke me once she found a partner. This person says that would never happen, but I don’t really believe it. Even if their partner is okay with it, there would still be less time spent, and I just truly can’t imagine this continuing in the same way exactly forever without the obvious partner relationship container.
I feel like I’m going through two breakups at once, and both people still want me (confronting more deeply what I’m missing in my current relationship as well as if I can survive existing in this new dynamic while protecting my heart).
Honestly, I probably would have just let this play out more naturally if I wasn’t that we are monogomish (not poly) connections are okay, but real deep feelings are not. So this doesn’t fit into a clean relationship box in my current life. I cannot imagine my partner, who wants more intimacy with me, watch me give it to someone else. I am genuinely heartbroken and at a loss with how to continue either relationship 💔
TL;DR: I (37F) developed strong romantic feelings for someone (29NB) after a deeply intense, affectionate, emotionally vulnerable connection that felt very couple-like to me, but they insist they don’t experience it romantically despite clearly caring about me deeply. I’m also in a struggling 7 year long term relationship, so this whole situation has cracked open questions about unmet needs, attachment, and whether I can survive staying close to someone I love who may never fully “choose” me in the way I want.