I am going through it and I wanted to vent.
If you read this, I really appreciate it.
My ex and I broke up a few weeks ago after 6+ years together. She ended things for many reasons. We were fighting a lot, but the core issue was compatibility and that she felt that she couldn’t put the effort in that I deserved for a variety of reasons (mental health, work, family). 6 years is a long time and while it hasn’t been perfect, I care deeply for this person.
Within the last three weeks, we have seen each other a few times since then as we agreed that ending six years in a day is a lot for us, but she wants to be treat it like we’re friends. In fact, because her favorite aspect of our relationship was our friendship, she wants to keep me in her life. I’m just confused overall, and I think my anxious attachment style makes it so I am so desperate to keep her in my life that I’m willing to put up with this.
I guess I want to document my experience here. For clarification, I know this is extremely unhealthy for me. I also want to say that in between these meetups, we don’t talk anymore and it kills me.
Week 1: The first time we met after our break up, she was a mess. I guess I was sort of fine because it hadn’t really hit me yet due to shock. We spent the day together, she cried and apologized and we hugged it out. It was nice.
Week 2: By this point it was hitting me hard and she was also still upset. Not gonna lie, we ended up sleeping with each other. We both agreed that this was likely a one time thing and it was very emotionally taxxing. We grabbed dinner afterwards and then we crawled back into bed for a nap and I just lost it crying. I told her that I keep forgetting that it’s over and that I’m really fucked up over this whole thing. She told me that maybe seeing each other was a bad idea because I’m not benefiting from it, and she is. We just sat in silence for a few hours and she cried when she left saying that she’d miss me.
Week 3: Even though we had agreed we probably wouldn’t see each other the next weekend, she asked if we could grab dinner after work. We hungout, drank, caught up it was nice. At some point in the night, I got touchy and while she didn’t reciprocate, she didn’t exactly stop me or hate it. We got to her car and I apologized. I told her that I don’t know if this is healthy for me and she actually feels like this whole thing is helping her heal. She encourages me to go No Contact if I must, but I am so scared of losing her, and I told her this. I killed the mood and then AS IF THE UNIVERSE WANTED TO KILL IT MORE, a song that was VERY important to our relationship since the very beginning played on the radio. We held hands for a moment and teared up, and then we parted ways. No hug, nothing.
I can tell my ex is tired of having the conversation of our breakup and just wants to have a good time with me. I am aware she is selfish for this, even she has stated it. I know I’m being an idiot. Tbh, I don’t know what I’m looking for by posting this. I don’t know what I want right now (I mean I want her back lol but I’d be pretty fucking stupid if I did that), but I think I just want to get this off of my chest because I haven’t told anyone about this.
I guess what I’m looking for, if anything, is if someone actually read all of this, just tell me. I feel super alone right now and it’s nice to have people that listen. I wish I could ask for an explanation on why she’s doing this, but truthfully no one will know her as well as I do so it’s a bit useless to ask for that, as much as I want it. I appreciate you reading this far.