22/30 done… losing hope
My internal monologue has been pretty quiet for a long time due to dissociation and 2y of depression. this makes it really difficult to feel curious or interested in things, and especially hard socially.
during the 3rd week of treatment i felt so much better, my mood had lifted, and my mind was more active and commenting on things which allowed me to feel interested in this and be curious. i also had more energy for things and felt more engaged in the world around me
this fizzled out and ive now finished 22/30 treatments. my anxiety and depression scores have increased almost to my original scores.
i have 8 treatments left and i really want my “active” internal monologue to come back, it truly made me so unbelievably happy to feel engaged and present. i know my internal monologue isn’t “dead” it just seems that my anxiety and depression is so heavy that it’s stopping most spontaneous thoughts :(
i’m losing hope though:( medications have never worked for me and im panicking about what else could be tried. i refuse to do ECT.
is there a chance things could improve still? and what else could i do to stimulate my internal monologue to be more active?
TLDR; 22/30 treatments completed, had a week of lifted mood and my normal internal monologue, mood has reverted almost to original state and internal monologue is quiet again making me feel uninterested and not engaged with the world.