TMS One Year Later
I did my final check in for TMS on October 2nd, 2025. I would have celebrated this day yesterday, but I got a crazy migraine, so alas, I must celebrate this achievement on a Saturday.
Reddit bullshit: Posting on mobile, so sorry for the formatting. Throwaway account because my friends/family know my main. Content warning for suicide talk.
So! For some background, I (24F) have suffered from treatment resistant MDD for about 15 years now. I tried 5 different medications before landing on the combo I have now and been to the ward twice (once voluntarily, once voluntarily with an asterisk). My second ward visit was what inspired me to finally try TMS. If nothing had worked before, and I was that close to ending it all, why not try? So, I went about 20 miles (~32 km) to the treatment center every appointment to get treated. My car’s transmission exploded right before I started, so I took about 3 hours of bus rides for most of those appointments.
It was long and grueling. I’m shocked I even went most of those days. My mom was always there for me. She picked me up at the end of each appointment ‘cause no way I was taking 3 hours of bus rides back home on her watch. If it wasn’t for her kindness and my sister’s loud support, I don’t think I would have made it through. I was socially drained and dead tired all the time for a bit over 3 months.
Suffice to say doing the thing and getting treatment is one of my greatest achievements in my fairly short life: right next to my college diploma. Thinking about the effort I put into myself during this time makes me tear up, even to this day.
Now that’s it’s been a year, what can I say? Well, TMS changed my life. I’ve cut out toxic people, made new friends, started writing after giving up on that at 13, and am, most days, genuinely happy. The people I have kept noticed a change. I’m more social, more upbeat, and more cheerful. They are so happy to see me flourish. My new friends are unaware of how bad things have gotten before, and the few that do never really expected it from me.
Is it perfect? Nah. I still get some passing suicidal thoughts (of which I yell a proud “FUCK YOU” at), and life is still quite challenging. Still! I’m not going to crawl into a hole and die. I’m going to keep fighting like the me a little over 365 days ago did. I’ll be there for my friends and family when they need me (within my limits, of course). I’ll keep pushing: always.
TMS isn’t perfect for everyone. I’ll likely need treatment again. However, I am stronger one year later, and I couldn’t be prouder to share that with anonymous internet strangers while I damn near cry in a random bookstore. Thank you.