I’m (25M) in a relationship where my gf(21F) repeatedly lying. Need help.
So, I’ve been dating this person (21F) for almost 6 months, and I’ve been seen her tendency of lying since the beginning of relationship. Although I don’t can recall every single lies that happened and it’s details, I can explain couple or few of them.
First, she told me that she came home straight from work and she was late because she missed the bus. But actually she came home on time, then she went to grab a bite with her co-worker. After asking questions about her location (we mutually agree to share location after her lying for a couple of times) so that I feel less worried. She explained the reason she lied, and it was that she didn’t want me to she her as undisciplined person who goes out and eat whenever she wants and not caring her health, etc.
Second, she was texting/calling her ex for first couple of month of relationship. I found that out next month when I accidentally saw her chat history when she opened the app. She still tried to hide from me at the time and being reactive, but then I tried to understand the reason that happened, and she explained to me that her ex has been contacting her to convince to come back, but then she didn’t want to cut ties abruptly after 3 1/2 years relationship, so she was hiding the chat and talking to him to resolve without me knowing, so that she doesn’t add more worries to me. I asked her if you can cut ties now, she started crying and said I can’t because she doesn’t want to end abruptly and leave any uncertainty behind (it also could simply be just she not being able to get over him)
At that point, lying happened several times already and I thought this person is not going to change, after explaining the importance of relationship like integrity, respect, how we can build trust from actions over words, etc. and she promised me every time she will be honest with me, as I told her I’m willing to understand and would love to commit to this relationship if you’re too. But then she broke promise again and again so I broke up with her once. But then we got back together after we talked few days later, thinking this has been only 3 month so far, I don’t know her enough yet and she might change overtime as she seems enthusiastic (?) about this relationship and her becoming a better person with honesty and such. I told her you can call him when you are ready, but you have to cut ties with him because that has been a whole plan for you, and you gotta move on, otherwise, I can’t be with you. She agreed to do so, and after a month, she talked to him. I asked her “Did you delete his contact?” And she said “actually I decided not to because I don’t think it’s necessary”. My trust was crushed again because she forgot what we promised and the whole purpose of it, and that she decided to save his contact when she don’t need to. Next morning, she texted me saying she decided to delete his octant because she doesn’t want me to feel worried, and she forgot promise because her purpose shifted unintentionally from “cutting ties and deleting contact of him” to “how I can convince him.” Which I still think it’s a bit weird as she also told me she “decided not to” delete it. But then she promised she’ll communicate and so and so, I decided to be patient and continue to see what happens.
Small lyings (as far as I know) still happened after that too. I went to her place to surprise her. She told me she’s going to shopping with her co-worker, but she was with a different person. I didn’t tell her I was there because I wanted to see if see would say something different or not. Eventually, she said she was with two other co-workers (actually it was only 1). I asked her “Btw, are you lying about something?” And she said “not at all!
What made you think that?” so I told her that I was there and saw you with a different person, and she said “…I’m sorry.” I was shocked because this past couple months she has been very supportive about my trust issue and trying communicate openly about my concerns, but this time, she behaved supportive and lied at the same time. Reason she lied about this is because she didn’t want me to think bad of her and I might feel more suspicious about her changing plans suddenly many times. (After communicating with her several times in the past I’m not and I won’t do that, but lying will). I understand she didn’t want me to question things because she felt a bit overwhelmed if that happened, so I realized me communicating my concerns built up to make her think that way, which led her to lie again.
Within less than 6 months, I’ve seen 6,7 times her lying over small things to something considerably bigger topic (like ex). My understanding is that she is either a compulsive lier, or just problematic way of approaching to a problem by attempting to avoid conflict/frictions by lying because of her ex being manipulative, and her not having a siblings and just not used to dealing with frictions and being completely honest. Ive been trying to be caring and communicative to understand her more to help her change such behavior, as she started doing new things and trying to be consistent (like cooking and going to the gym while working full-time, not consistent always but at least she’s trying and willing).
However, there are mixed feelings I have about her that this thing might happen again. She is lying, but the reasons are somewhat understandable with something in common. It puts me into a place where I know I can’t continue relationship that I feel cautious all the time, but still trying to trust her as she also tries. Little things that I see just triggers my overthinking all the time, like we were trying to search something last night on her instagram and just DM with someone appeared on the screen for a split second and went to Home Screen (most likely leftover cache). I saw that message and I asked “what was that?” And she showed me her DMs but I couldn’t see anything like what I saw, but definitely a conversation with someone. She didn’t talk anyone other than her roommates that day in the morning but that has a pink background, which is different than what I saw (a default white background chat screen). She also has few other accounts which she showed me too but couldn’t find it either. At this point, I kind of trust her (or at least I want to), but I also can’t completely do so because of what happened in the past of her trying to hide chat from me, lying while she seemed like being supportive, and just simply lying several times.
I’m not sure what you guys would think: is it risky, or her behavior is understandable and still holds something positive for the future. There are a bit more into this but I tried to keep it as relevant as possible to my concern. I appreciate any advice or opinion. Thanks.