u/Intrepid_Product6038

I was recently sent to the hospital for a seizure and entering a catatonic state after my seizure.

The medics there checked my vitals and did the drop test on me. But because I was aware but unable to move due to my catatonic state I had waxy flexibility and I was unable to speak or open my eyes.

The medics there asked my mother if they can hurt me after they performed the drop test on me. My mom said no and I heard the medic get annoyed.

After they transported me into the ambulance, one of the medics began laughing at me and said, “(name) you almost got me there!” He kept saying in good at acting and I should just wake up.

I couldn’t move or do anything and I was trying to respond but couldn’t.

He then told his partner to intubate me and to use the biggest tube on me to “wake me up” or to get me to “stop faking it”. His partner refused and used one meant for children on me.

I could feel everything they were doing and I felt trapped. The main medic performed a sternum rub on me and I couldn’t move but it hurt badly. He kept rubbing me until I bruised and he was laughing at me. He kept saying I’m “amazing” at this.

When he gave me an IV he kept stabbing me over and over with a needle to see if I would “respond” but because I was in a catatonic state I couldn’t respond. When he finally put the IV in me he laughed at me once again saying I’m too good and he said he’s impressed.

At the hospital he began telling nurses and others I was faking it and to hurt me to see if I would respond. One of the nurses performed a sternum rub on me and said, “oh look she flinched a little”. The medic who was constantly saying I was faking was laughing hysterically.

Other doctors and nurses came to see me and he was telling them periodically I was faking it and not to worry about me but just try to wake me up.

What made me have a seizure was that I was drinking alcohol and I smoked marijuana, while I was on antidepressants. (I took my antidepressants as prescribed no overdose) I was very depressed but I had no intention to kill myself.

Mentioning this, the main medic kept telling his colleagues that, “damn I should drink soju if it makes me react like this”.

They put an EKG on me and the nurses all saw my piercings. I have many piercings and I also have piercings on my nipples. I am mentioning my race as well, I’m Filipino and most of the nurses were Filipino too.

The nurses were shocked and began showing other nurses that I had those piercings and I am unsure of how many people have seen my body while I was naked. They were also saying that I’m dirty for being like that and do my parents know.

Most of the time many of the people attending me were laughing at me and didn’t say anything kind about me.

They sent me back to another part of the emergency room once they deduced I wasn’t in any immediate danger.

The main medic saw me again and said “Oh! Look she’s back see!” He then went up to me and said, “I’m the nicest one here just open your eyes.”

I couldn’t open my eyes properly and my eyes were rolling back into my head. The medic got annoyed and said “stop doing that”. He forced my eyes open and said “oh they’re dilated but it’s probably because her eyes were closed.”

He then wanted to stay and watch me. The whole time in this situation I was trying to respond in any way but i couldn’t.

I was finally able to move in the sense my body was shaking and I could open my eyes after a few hours passed but I still couldn’t speak. My eyes were able to stay open once the medic forced it open.

The nurses there said they had to drug test me and kept asking me to wake up and move but I couldn’t. So they decided to straight catheter me and they ended up hurting me in the process because they wanted to see if I would respond.

The medic who kept saying I wasn’t faking it stayed there until his shift ended and was telling his colleagues to watch me and see how I was “shaking” and how much of an actor I was.

When my parents saw me I was able to tear up but not move at all. The medic was quiet when my parents were there but went back to laughing and telling others to watch because “how good of an actor I was”. Before he left he went to me and told me, “he’ll forever be impressed of how I took everything”.

After he left the nurses weren’t kind to me and the only person who was kind to me was the neuropsychologist and a white nurse.

I’m not sure if it’s relevant but all the medics were white and were saying very passive aggressive things about Asian people while they were with me.

Overall, how do I file a complaint about this situation or get any help for this situation? It was very traumatic for me and I’ve been very numb and I just feel so hurt. I’m in a lot of pain when I breathe too because of how badly I was bruised on my sternum. And they also bruised my trapezius muscle on my right side to see if I would respond.

I came out to my sister the other day saying I’m genderfluid and she took it really well.

She is the only person I’ve ever told. I really hate myself though. And it made me think about everything about my gender.

I’m AFAB and I’ve never really opened up to anyone about this or ever really explained how I feel to anyone.

I feel so alone and it makes me so depressed. I have not told my talking stage (they’re MTF) and one time they made a joke that I’m transphobic because I said I didn’t care if they presented androgynous or female in the sense that I didn’t mind because I really want them to be happy and express themself as how they want. But them joking about it made me wanna cry ngl. Maybe I’m just too emotional. But tbh I’m kinda jealous of them because of their androgyny.

I’m too scared to express myself any other way than hyperfeminine. I always dress girly, cute, and even cute-sexy. I’ve dressed as a masc girl before and I got a lot of attention from women but I kind of just wanted to be acknowledged as a boy that day instead of just a masc girl.

I feel so alone because everyone just knows me as this girly girl and I hate how I am perceived. I try so hard to fit into the box of being a woman but it hurts me inside because I don’t always feel like a woman somedays.

I told my sister passively but I don’t want to really talk to her about it because I’ve been suppressing how I feel for a while. I keep telling myself I’m just a pansexual woman but it kills me inside and I feel so depressed and disgusted with myself.

Idk I’m just rambling but I just want to really be able to express myself in any way I feel but I’m too afraid and I feel horrible about it.

My family (parents) is transphobic and they’re okay with my sister and I being queer but they draw the line at being trans. I feel like if I tell anyone they’ll be upset.

Sometimes I yearn for my stepdad to treat me like my brother and I want to do things he does with my brother. I once wanted to go to a gun range with him and my brother. I just wanted to be treated like one of the guys in a sense because I wanted to bond with him like a son that day. But my mom got upset and said I’m not a boy. “Let the boys go and us girls will go shopping!” So I agreed and went shopping with her.

Just those scenarios make me hate myself because I’ll never experience those masculine experiences. I wanted to work on cars with my stepdad too and I’ve always been interested in his hobbies too because he’s knowledgeable in “typical male jobs” like blue collared jobs. He told me women don’t get anything and just leave the car stuff (any other “macho hobbies”) to him because I’ll mess it up because I’m a “girl”.

Even as I’m writing this post I’m finally processing everything I’ve felt over the years. I’ve never fit in with women or men honestly and it hurts. I’ve had so many experiences with others that just always reject me because I’m a “woman” and “women shouldn’t be acting like that”.

Just the social norms that I don’t fit makes me so suicidal. I want to love myself. I WANT to be able to just switch so easily from being perceived as either man or woman or anything in between. I just want to be me.

But I’m afraid of all the fallout that will happen. Everyone around me just knows me as this “girly girl who’s pan”. My perception honestly kills me. I just want to be able to be me.

I want to love people as either wlw, mlm, wlm, or mlw. When I was in middle school/high school (2020) I went by any pronouns and it felt so validating. Some of my friends would just refer to me as he/him and I felt so happy. I had a girlfriend at the time and she always referred to me with he/him and they/them instead of just she/her. It felt so validating to just have that happen.

When I was with my ex boyfriend I felt like a woman with him but sometimes I wanted to express my feelings of not being a woman, but I genuinely couldn’t he only thought of me in a weird way as cishet dudes do with “gay girls”. He’d often be jealous of me being with girls and guys. That felt mentally draining.

When I was with my ex partner, I felt like I was more of a non-binary/female person. Either way I sometimes feel like I just match the gender energy of my partners. Sometimes i don’t.

With my talking stage, I want to treat them like I’m a man treating their girlfriend. I want to take care of them as a man would care for his woman. But I’m too afraid to ever tell them how I feel.

They deal with their gender dysphoria as well. They’re androgynous but their perception matters to them a lot as well. They came out to their brother as a trans woman and their brother said they can’t treat them as he does anymore if they start transitioning. They told me that they would just accept being treated as a nonbinary person or a man because they have too much to lose if they transition right now.

I want to just support them and treat them like my girlfriend/partner. They only see me as a cisgender woman who’s pansexual and I’m afraid if I tell them anything I’ll be treated differently. They’ve always treated me like I’m a fragile girl that they have to protect and I feel like in a sense it’s invalidating their identity because I don’t want them to force themself to act like a “boyfriend” because they’re AMAB.

I don’t even know who or how I can talk to anyone about this because I’ve been only known as a girl. I feel like I have a lot to lose if I show people my true self.