My ex got married yesterday
I never loved someone like him. He is the best one I would ever meet I can't convince myself to make believe there can be better ones. Nooo, he was so perfect for me we loved each other so much.
Due to the cultural differences and family situations we decided to not make our relationship serious.
I still love him it's been 5 years since we ended it all, most of my friends even my recent besties know I had a relationship like this but I never revealed his id or photo to them bcz that is something very special for me.
Today I was doom scrolling and got shocked on seeing the post, it feels so heavy even to breathe. I am already in search of jobs, daily making applications, mailing HR of different companies, trying to upskill, getting anxious and confused about my IT skills. I am an IT engineer who doubts herself every single day I am not perfect without chatgpt or AI tools. Every project i did was with AI tools. Now even attending an AI interview feels heavy for me. I am feeling very much something that kills me inside maybe it's a fear of failure,regrets or whatever idk.
I know I need a job immediately that too in my field,a job that could make my career grow. I doubt that I am not doing enough. Am i this lazy. Am stuck I hate to open my laptop to code and do projects.
My family situations are going worse. I hate my family at times. They behave and make me feel like I never fit here with them . I don't deserve all these.
Now seeing him getting married I can't even cry. I always wanted to see him succeed in his life and be happy finally he is there . Successful career, financially stable and getting married but one thing that regrets me is that I could have been the oneeeee ....I could have been the one with himmm. But look at what my life made me I rejected two guys recently... every time someone approaches me I feel like running away.
I wish I had a better life, peaceful,away from my own family just me and my mom that's enough for me. Recently I vacated my hostel ohh God it hurts me so much my girls there my besties I miss me being there with them I want to Gooo backk and stay with my friends bcz now everything seems hurting.
I distanced myself from him now when he is moving on.Why should I feel like this. I was the one who made this distance.... I wish him all the happiness he deserves but I lost my diamond forever and now it's loud to me I lost him. Maybe he was never mine but he was the only one who loved me the way I ever wanted. I broke his heart and now he is happy, why should I feel like this. Am dump . He will be a special person for me that's all I can never forget him.
But it hurts that it's not me who is going to talk to him on his weakest days, make a coffee , go out for a late night walk, and care for him when he is sick. I wish that girl who he married cares for him more than i could ever have. Am stupid....I hate my family situations and life. I hate it.
One thing I promise is that i will never act like this hurt me. Never act like I do care. Never look at his photo like I ever did bcz he is somebody's husband now. I can't accept this when I always knew someday I was going to face this.
I guess I want to go somewhere and cry out loud and blame myself for having a life like this where I need to walk away from the one who I love the most and act like idc. It hurts. But letting go was the final act of my purest love and he will never know. I feel like my throat is aching for something heavy....Idk this too will pass away...but how much I need to go through to get myself out from all these.