What Are You Grieving That You Missed Out On?
I'm currently in religious trauma therapy, and as someone who grew up in purity culture and went from homeschooling to working full time in ministry as a teen and didn't have a normal adolescence/young adult life, I feel like I missed out on a lot of things. The expectation of being a leader in the church meant I had to live at a different standard than everyone else. I never had permission to be unfinished, because I had to be an example for other people.
I was told what to believe, and that if I did things the right way, I would be rewarded and my life would be great. I was given a complete package of my future from a young age: What I believed, my identity, how I voted, what my values were. These things ended up being empty and unfulfilling.
My therapist told me making a list of these things might be cathartic, so I thought I'd share mine and I'd love to hear yours.
My unfinished adolescence: Never getting to be dumb, free, and unaccountable with people my age.
The sexual life I was promised: Both the intimacy within my marriage and the curiosity and experience I was told to save and never got to spend. I was told if I waited for marriage I'd have the most satisfying sexual experiences of my life, and that wasn't the truth.
The other versions of me: The version of me that got to be uncommitted, moveable, and still becoming. The me who lived in three cities and worked weird jobs and didn't owe anyone a consistent identity.
Being known outside of a role: At church I’m a leader, a standard-bearer, and a professional. That's the identity people know me as. I’ve never had people who knew me just as me. Not me the church leader or employee version or myself, or the me who has it all together.
The lost potential: The version of me that never got to build a professional identity on my own terms, from the start, in a world that matched my actual values. What other things could I have loved and been good at and been an expert in by now?
The younger version of me who believed in it all: At some point, younger me showed up to that work with genuine faith in the mission, in the community, and the meaning of it. He was earnest and committed and probably gave more than was wise. I used to hate him, now I just feel sad for him.
The people I judged: I didn't really have any friends until I was around 16, and met them through the church. They made some mistakes (like teens do) and I judged them pretty harshly for those and cut them out of my life. I wish I wouldn’t have held them to the same impossible standard I held myself to.
Not putting myself first: I've always felt like if I did what I wanted in life, that I'd let other people down, from family, to church, to God. My wants have always been a threat to others.