u/Iownnopurplecap

This will probably not reach you, and i can't send it to you. But if we ever start talking again I will be honest.

I used to call you my addiction, and my hyperfixation and you told me that you hated it.

I have been sober from my acctual addiction for more than a month, and loosing you and not seeing you for 6 months hurt way more than that. I know you are not an addiction, but i do miss everything about you.

And you were never my hyperfixation because non of my hyperfixations have lasted this long.

I told you my trauma wasn't that bad. But my therapysessions have proved that also to be untrue.

The trauma of not becoming a parent messed me up more than I ever wanted to admit. And the relentless bullying and fighting from my childhood does still affect how i percive the world, and the main reason i continue to build walls.

But the worst lie i ever told you was that i said i don't like to be touched, but I do, but only from you

The things that still are the hardest to deal with now after a few months broken up.

It's not the no contact.

It's not the hoplessnes or waiting if you and i are ever going to get together or even talk again.

It's not realising I needed to hear what you said so that I could become better.

It's how often you come up naturaly in conversations, with friends, family ,neighbours and regulars

It's the fact that the person I am today is alot because of you.

It's the feeling i get that people liked me more when we were together

It's that the last three years you changed my percpective and showed so many new things, that most things I enjoy now is connected to you

And It's that i still wish you would be home, every time i open the door, and that i still call for you when i get home, every day for the last 155 days.

It is days like these i miss you and our relationship the most.

The days where we have nothing planned and the weather is nice.

The days were sitting in a park or by the beach for a few hours would make the entire week good.

The days were i wasn't ashamed of being goofy with you.

The days were it was only you and me against the world

It's the days like these when i really realise that you are gone

I wished you just showed up in my life randomly again like that thursday night, and again on that easter monday, so that we could talk. I have so much to tell you and ask you.

Im worried that you are not letting yourself get better. It hurts seeing you do the same misstakes you did before we met. Seeing multiple people at the same time, jumping from person to person. You have said it before that it wasn't healthy, but you do it because you are afraid of beeing alone.
I hope you acctually let yourself grief now, and can let yourself heal and be better. Otherwise you are going to continue with half serious commitment and continue hurting the people around you

I want to be there for you and i want to be with you, but going no contact is for me to get better.
You hurt me so much and im sorry that i can't forgive you, and I know i hurt you too, and im trying to let my actions show how sorry i am and that i want to change, i want to be better.

But do know, i still love you my River, and i wish and hope we can find eachother again on a random thursday, once we both have healed. Then maybe we can become what once was, or just friends again.