Should I play long-run?
Before I start, I'm not sure if I'm planning on doing this but I think it's the only way my family will realize.
To start, hi, my name is Irene(F) and I'm 16 years old. This is kind of my way to get some stuff off of my chest. So here goes :
I have a brother(M) who's 13 and has just entered middle school and is mainly the center of my family's problems. He was born premature and was diagnosed with ADHD and is also on the spectrum. His brain doesn't function like the rest of us, obviously, and there are a lot of things that he can't understand or comprehend. He can hold normal conversations and go about his day smoothly though, while also being able to get decent marks in school. He can make food for himself (nothing special, mostly sandwiches and popcorn), but he's still very dependent on my parents for other things, which is normal for a kid his age don't get me wrong.
My parents from a young age, spoiled him, got him whatever he wanted. Toys, junk food, anything he'd ask for, because if they didn't, he'd throw a fit or a tantrum. He's extremely picky when it comes to food and doesn't eat healthy enough in my opinion. My mom always cooks an alternative dish just for him, maybe one that doesn't contain any vegetables that he dislikes etc. He also eats candy and sweets often, even multiple times a day. This combined with the fact that he refuses to do any form of exercise, has resulted in him gaining a lot of weight since entering puberty. If it was up to him he'd stay at home all day and just play on the Xbox, on his phone, or PC. My mom and dad have almost given up and are letting him do whatever he wants.
He has quit every extra extracurricular activity including English lessons and he only comes out of the house to go to a special centre dedicated for children that are in the spectrum and are struggling with similar things. That's 1 or 2 times a week I think.
Now, speaking very truthfully, I'll say it bluntly:
I don't like him. I may love him, he's my brother after all, but I don't like him as a person. I know that's a terrible thing to say but I can't bring myself to think about him in a different way. I grew up thinking my parents loved him more than me, because he requires constant attention. Every achievement of mine was completely overshadowed by his progress on anything. I became obsessed with getting good grades, doing my best just so my parents would notice me. They themselves were pretty obsessed with my academic performance back then, always pushing me, because I was the smarter, independent one. I reached my breaking point around the 8th grade and looking back, I was really on the verge of ending it all. I struggled with self harm and suicidal thoughts, constantly contemplating whether I'm good enough or not. And while I was at my lowest, literally fighting to stay alive, no one noticed. No one ever did because they were so busy prepping my brother for middle school and worrying about him. Eventually, I worked up the courage to ask my mom to get me therapy.
Things have been better since then. I rarely get panic attacks, the self harm has stopped and I've been working on managing my feelings better. But even after all of that work I still have some problems that have stayed. Like, for example, my anxiety remains. I'm also terrified of making mistakes and getting things wrong or messing something up.
I don't want this post to be that long so I'll summarize some things that I want to say from now on (damn I yap a lot I'm sorry🥹)
Currently, my brother is just a couch potato that does nothing for the house. He doesn't do chores, he doesn't run errands if a reward isn't offered (for example, "go get something and buy something for yourself too"), he doesn't cook. I do all of the above (except the cooking part I'm a terrible cook). My parents have been pretty adamant on protecting him, not pressuring him and not forcing him to do things he doesn't want to do. My mom fights me whenever I tell her to make my brother do chores instead.
To sum up, I don't like him. I see him as an annoying pre-teen, a liability more like.
Now, what I'm thinking is messed up but hear me out.
I do exactly what my parents are doing, only on a larger scale. I buy him all the snacks and junk food he wants. I'll even do all the chores. He'll gain more weight and become lazier and more dependent. I'll help make it worse in a way yes. I want to do it so my parents will finally realize what they have been doing wrong this entire time.
I'm planning on moving out as soon as possible, right after I get into my dream university. So what'll happen when I'm not there anymore? He'll be 15 and useless and my mom won't have anyone to help her around the house anymore.
I know it sounds awful. But I just can't feel anything for them anymore. It's all kind of numb after all the emotional neglect that they refuse to take accountability for.
I just want to hear people's opinions. Judge me all you want. Of course I'm going to speak to my therapist about this and I'll also hear her out.
Thank you for listening to my yap! Much love<3