I think my brain is broken. I was just diagnosed AuDHD at 34, turning 35 in less than a month. Previously misdiagnosed bipolar (treated for it ineffectively for 7 or 8 years) and then it was a mystery and then borderline as psychological abuse (I believe not meant in a mean way) made me fall deeper and deeper into autistic burnout.
My whole childhood, I complained to my mom about a lot of stuff. When I started "regular" école enfantine/ first grade after going to a Steiner kindergarten, every morning before school, when I woke up I would have awful headaches, and then right before leaving for school I threw up. Every morning. There were a lot of signs. But all ended up being put on the account of me being "pénible", "annoying", on me exaggerating or wanting attention.
When I was 8 or 9 I said to my mom that I wanted to kill myself. I used those words, and she spanked me (the only time she spanked me) and sent me to my room and wrote me a letter to tell me that it was awful to say that to manipulate people because some people really killed themselves.
Apparently I didn't call her mom when I was a child, I used her name for a while, and this past year she kept asking why I didn't call her mom and I kept saying I didn't know and I don't remember (I have amnesia) and she ended up saying it was because other kids kept making fun of me because of a song which title is my name and singing the song to me and she had told me it also happened to her with her name and that I probably called her by her name to annoy her.
A lot of complicated stuff happened in our relationship.
A few months ago I was trying to understand why she felt I was untrustworthy and ill intentioned and mean spirited as a child, and even now, she keeps denying the severity of very real problems I have. I also asked her if she saw anything positive about me and she told me "your manuscript was really good and you dress well". (When I had tried to explain to her last year how much the way I presented was mainly for other people, to be accepted and loved, she had told me that it wasn't true and that I did that for myself)
And she ended up yelling at me over the phone that she had never loved me and that I always played the victim. I hung up and sent her a message telling her her tone of voice hurt me too much but that I really want to keep the discussion going if she can remain calm. She sent me a message saying "You're pushing my buttons. I want to die in peace. Thanks" (she has terminal cancer, she isn't doing chemo or anything medical)
I asked my brother to call her to check if she was okay. She told him she shouldn't have said that and that of course she didn't mean it.
Two days later she sent me a postcard with "You'll understand... One day..." written on it. Then two days later I received a letter. I didn't dare to open it but it haunted me. I ended up sending her a long text because I wanted to have her in my life because I loved her but her words were awful and I couldn't believe she wasn't saying the truth when she shouted at me. She replied "call me" and I did and she told me to read the letter and that in it she apologized but when I did, she wasn't really apologizing in it, most of it was her justifying why she had shouted and that it was because of me and then there was only one sentence about what had happened "I shouted the other day and I said some foolishness". She signed the letter "Your mother" and didn't write that she loved me or anything warm.
Long story short, yesterday she kept calling, I sent her messages to tell her to stop and that she was hurting me but she still called so I blocked her number. She then left 5 messages on my voicemail. My brother called me and told me she was sad and she had smoked weed and didn't understand why I wasn't answering. She has a brick for a cellphone and apparently my messages aren't delivered properly so she couldn't read them.
Ugh. Sorry. I'll try to wrap it up.
My brother tells me he thinks she loves me, and that she just lost her patience. But I cannot feel that love.
She moved close to me after I became paralyzed for a while to help me, and my brother tells me she wouldn't have done that if she didn't love me. And it's true that I felt so loved during that period, we would see each other every week and it was so perfect, everything I wanted, I could share my special interest with her and make her see who I am. But ever since she moved away from one day to the next during what seemed like a psychotic episode (at least to the hospital she ended up at) (and during which she told me "Get out, I don't want you." when I went to check on her because I was worried and where after that kept saying awful made up stuff about me, bad stuff that she said I did to her, that several people around her believed) and we somehow reconnected a little, well she only tells me how much of a sacrifice it was and how much of a weight it was to her. When to me it was what I always wanted.
I don't know how I can believe she loves me. My brain cannot not believe what she shouted. The fact she only said about it and her words that it was "some foolishness" and wrote a whole letter to justify that the condition I'm currently in is too painful to her so she doesn't want me in her life seems so fucked up to me.
I'm sorry. I want to believe that she loves me. But the evidence doesn't add up. How can my brain believe she loves me ? I need to believe it. Because I'm completely alone. I have been struggling so much, to eat, to sleep, to survive. I am fully isolated. I'm battling to survival alone. I need to at least manage to think that she loves me.