Hey there, I'm hoping to gather some insight as to what may be happening and how I can develop skills to make our connection deeper.
My boyfriend passed away about three months ago after an incredibly short fight with cancer that went out of remission.
While he was dying over the course of 10 days, I was with him constantly. I managed his pain, his needs, and all appointments to the length that his family made me his DPOA. I coached him through his terminal restlessness, calming him, telling him he was safe. When he went into a coma, I sang to him and held him until his last breath....and maybe an hour after. The last thing I did before they pulled me away was rub noses (Eskimo kiss) and a forehead kiss, both of which were very prevalent in our relationship.
Since then, he's been pretty constant in my life. The first few weeks were off and on. I could feel him, and then I wouldn't feel him.
About two weeks after he passed, I went to my bedroom, sat on my bed, and sobbed. I cried and cried. Suddenly, i had this vision. I knew I was alone and in my room, but all I could see in my mind is him kneeling in front of me, wrap his arms around me, and rest his head on my head. It lasted for just a few moments.
When I "came to" I was sooooo disoriented. Dizzy, nauseous, incredibly tired, and just plain out of it for about 20 minutes.
I hadn't had another experience like that. He likes to communicate and show me he's here through the lights. I find flickering lights all the time. He's also shows himself in other ways. If he has strong feelings about something, he shows up harder. I was yelling at him one night while I was driving. My passenger side airbag light started beeping at me for about 10 minutes. When I got home that night, the bathroom light was flickering the entire time I had a shower.
Fast forward to Monday. Our anniversary was coming up on Tuesday. I have a charm necklace that he bought me for Christmas. The idea of the necklace was that he would get a charm for me for each special occasion. He told me in the hospital multiple times that he needed to get my valentines day charm ordered for me. Unfortunately, he passed away on the 7th, the week before. I ordered myself the charm, plus another 3, so that I would have special occasions covered for a bit. Im planning on keeping with that tradition. However, the week leading up to our anniversary, I couldn't find the box. I tore my house apart. Looked in every crevice, closet, and nook with no luck. I spent a few additional hours looking for it on Monday. I said out loud to him, "If I don't find this box tonight, then you don't want me to have the mirror of erised for this occasion. I'll order the time turner at the end of the night."
About an hour or two later, I noticed a little brown box sitting on the back of my couch. I grabbed it, thinking it was one of my kid's things, opened it up, and gasped while i stared at the Harry Potter gift box sitting in there perfectly.
Later that night, as I finally sat down for the evening, I looked over at the box. I decided that since it was our anniversary present, I should set it up in the little provided gift bag rather than just leaving the entire package in the brown box until the morning. As I was unboxing, finding the charm, and getting the whole present situation going, I thought about him. I thought about the night he gave me the necklace. Our conversations. The laughter. Him. I laid back on the couch, hugged our present to my chest, and built his vision.
His image came together almost like pixels or sand. He started from the bottom and formed in front of me. I then pictured the scene around us. My immediate thought was the hospital bed, as that's where a lot of my recent memories flick to. I felt like it was wrong. I built his house, the last night we were there together. The night he gave me my necklace. I got him in a shirt I love, but I felt him say "no" and he went into his red pj's...the ones he had on that night. From there, i climbed onto his lap on his couch. I went to kiss him, but felt a shift, to where we were equal instead of me over him. We kissed and I felt him. I felt him. I could feel his nose against mine. I could feel the kiss change from left to right facial placement. Passionate kisses. We then rubbed noses (a term of love in my life), and I went to give him a forehead kiss because....I'm the one in control right? No. I could feel that he grabbed my chin to hold me there and gave me the forehead kiss. I immediately started sobbing. Uncontrollably sobbing. I "came to" again with the same symptoms but 1000x greater. As I was sobbing, I said out loud to him that "this is all physical. Emotionally, I feel great. All of this is physical." I guess to reassure him that I was ok? My glasses were off as I was crying, but I could see things around me. Kind of orb-like but just mostly big blurb movement. I mentally heard him say that this was a special night, as if to indicate that this type of contact isn't normal. I thought that it was because of our anniversary. I sat up and was so out of it. Again, with the disorientation. I knew where I was and everything, but it felt like I was disconnected. I was SO nauseous. I went to the bathroom and ferociously threw up every content in my stomach. When I laid back on the couch, I had a small panic attack.
I decided that I should go lay down in bed. I could feel him watching me. I laughed and told him that as I got into bed. "I can't really feel you right now, but I KNOW you're watching me!" When I got in bed, I could feel him come up behind me and be the big spoon. I could feel pressure more than a body.
Long story not so short, I could feel him touching me. Like, I felt pressure in my feet like a massage. In my mind, I could see that's what he was doing. I could feel and mentally see everything he was doing. I knew I was alone in my room. But I felt disconnected. There were times where he would kiss me, and I felt my lip twitch. He was rubbing down my legs and my ankle twitched where he was. It felt like he was right there with me.
After, I asked him the questions that I always ask him. "Are you with Katie?" (His best friend that passed away 4 months before him). I felt him answer yes but didn't get an actual yes. "Do you have unlimited pot?" (He owned a cannabis business and loves flower so much.) I felt him answer "no.......it's bullshit."
"Can you please come to me in my dreams clearly, so I can remember you?" I felt him answer "it's harder in dreams. It's easier to make an awake connection."
I then angled my pillows in a certain way, and pictured falling asleep cuddled with him, on his chest, while I drifted off.
I didn't remember much of my dreams that night. When I was at work the next day, I was thinking about how we frequently said to each other that we were "ride or die". The joke was that when we said it, we didn't mean it THAT way. I then got an instant flashback to a dream about him the night before. Just a flicker. I looked at him and said "ride or die?" He laughed at me and said "ride or die" as he took my hand. I also asked him "will I see you again?" And he responded with "yes".
I guess I'm looking for a couple of things.
Validation that I'm not crazy. I feel like it when I think about it, but then I remind myself that I did not guide anything in any way aside from building his visual. I didn't seek out this connection or go into my evening trying to talk to him.
To see if anyone else has experienced anything like this.
What should my next steps be?
I've experienced predictive dreams my entire life. I know those. These experiences are while I'm fully awake. The experiences that I've had with him have shaken my entire belief system. I was slightly spiritual before but didn't have a solid thought on the after-life, let alone solid experiences aside from small ghost encounters here or there. I just need guidance and a place to start.
Thanks for listening.