I hate being "known"
I've come to a realization about myself recently, and that is that I hate being known. What I mean by that is that I dislike talking about myself. I dislike offering up information about myself, even little things. And I especially dislike being seen by others. If I could fade into obscurity and live the rest of my life as a spectator, completely unknown to everyone, I would and to a great extent I have already done that. I have even begun to stop posting on Reddit, where I once could post as many as a dozen comments in a day, I now find myself hard-pressed to post even one comment in a whole week.
Why have I become like this? Well, after a long period of isolation and mental illness, I think I've started to accept that any kind of socializing is just no longer worth it for me. I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone, and no one would want to invest time in getting to know me after learning what a loser I am. So what's the point of telling them anything? I am also extremely sensitive and fear the things I share with others being used against me emotionally.
So I remain alone. And yes, I see the irony here. I do truly believe what I've written, but also recognize that this post is in large part a desperate cry into the void for connection and attention. It is a stupid human instinct that I am usually able to suppress, but sometimes it just becomes too much, like now. Fortunately I will soon be slapped back to my senses and withdraw once again once the inevitable and unavoidable cruelty of other humans reminds why I have chosen this.