AITA for telling my partner that he doesn’t deserve my softness?
I (36/F) have been with my partner (34/M) for nearly 4 years and have been living together for over 3 years.
For the most part, our relationship has been pretty turbulent. Honestly, it’s really a mismatch of perspectives but he also has pretty misogynistic views.
One of our biggest fights are over my body count. It is higher than his by a lot. It’s not like it’s astronomical. (12 people over the span of 10+ years). He was with his high school girlfriend for over 10 years, had a short relationship with another person before he met me.
He’s been constantly trying to shame me for it for years when I don’t really feel that way about it. It kinda has built this narrative that I’m a “loose” woman who’s only out to sleep with more and more people. To a point where every interaction I have with a man, even if it is platonic is viewed as me trying to get with someone. It’s really frustrating because I can’t really have a conversation with anyone.
To give you a bit more context, in the 3.5 years we’ve lived together, this man has been unemployed for about 2 years and I’ve had to carry us financially. We live in a very expensive city, in an expensive part of town. We’ve been stretched pretty tight financially for at least 1.5 years. I work a full time job and I do a majority of our household chores and cooking all our meals. He does laundry twice a week, and wakes up only after 11 am every day.
We have pets and I clean up after them too. They’re usually a little noisy in the mornings and by that I mean they’re chasing each other around the house and one of the cats mews at the bedroom door and I shoo him away immediately. He claims to be a light sleeper and I’ve changed my entire routine to accommodate his poor sleep habits. I feel so frustrated every single day because it really feels like I’m doing everything for us while he just sits around and does nothing for most of the day. Then gets mad when I’m working late or am tired at the end of the day and I’m not up to step out for a walk or want to just sit on the couch and watch tv.
I’ve changed so much of myself to make this person feel comfortable and secure. I’m usually pretty introverted but get quite chatty when I’ve had a few drinks and honestly the conversations are completely innocent and inconsequential. Think places you’ve visited, work, pets, family, etc.
Recently, my partner had the flu. Like most men I’ve encountered they’re really really horrible at being sick. While I’m pretty understanding with all the fussy behaviour, this man gets so angry when he’s sick. Honestly, he’s angry most of the time and has a pretty short fuse. Blows up over the smallest things and I’m constantly trying to manage him.
TW: there have been a few instances where he has been violent with me in addition to some pretty intense name calling - like really really vile shit.
Over the weekend, while he had started to feel better, we went over to a friends house to hangout. He couldn’t drink because he was still on medication but I did. During the course of the night, a few more people showed up. A person we’ve met a few times took the empty seat next to me and we were having a conversation. It was a long conversation that lasted about an hour. Pretty innocuous really. We were talking about family traditions at Christmas. At some point I got up and was dancing with my friends. But it was all so innocent and wholesome really.
He was bored because he was sober and I honestly didn’t pay too much attention to him that night. I was pissed with the lack of gratitude and the nitpicking over all the things I was doing wrong while I was trying to care for him during the week. It’s just so disheartening to have someone question your empathy while I’m just trying to help them.
Even the same day, he forgot to take his medication the night before and blew up on me for not reminding me.
While I was having a conversation with a guy at my friends house, at some point it was about getting sick. I had a few drinks in me at this point and just casually mentioned that my partner is a little bit of a bitch the past week because he was sick. We brushed past that pretty quickly and we continued on with our conversation.
He started to get more uncomfortable as the night went on because everyone else was getting drunk and having a good time. At around 2AM, he asked if we could leave and I said okay. On the car ride home, he wanted to talk about why he was uncomfortable and I was honestly passing out at that point and I knew if I spoke, I would say things I couldn’t take back. So I kept quiet and said I had nothing to say right now. We got home, I went to bed and woke up to a wall of text ( a common practice where it’s a complete character assassination and some pretty intense gaslighting and I’m called a whore multiple times) I honestly don’t really have it in me to look past his verbal assault and see the hurt under it. So I usually take my time before I can come apologise for it.
At some point, he told me all he needs is some softness from me. I told him I can’t be soft with him when all he’s treating me and speaking to me the way he does. Honestly, this man is constantly lecturing me about how I should behave with men. And his excuse is “it’s not like I raped you” as if that’s the standard when I tell him that his words hurt me.
God, now that I’m writing this out, there’s so much toxic awful shit that he’s said to me over the past three years and what I’ve shared here is just the tip of the iceberg. This man has used every traumatic thing I’ve told him from my past and used it as a punch line when we’re fighting. It’s just awful.