Sorry if my English is no good, it's not my first language.
So, I'm 21M, for the most of the time in my life, in the recent years. I suddenly feel lonely despite having a good close friends and they would help me like I'm their family. I always refuse, but, i have no choice, so i took it because i have nowhere to go.
All my life, I never been taught how to do basic things; cooking, hygiene, manners, how to dress, you name it. The only thing my father has taken care of and focus on, it's his fkn PHONE. When i was a kid, i always went outside playing with my neighbors day and night, then transitioned to me playing a game on my phone in my own bedroom everyday. I'm addicted to it, how ironic eh. I'm still doing it until i was teenager, then i graduated, then i got bored, now I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just existing.
I never see my mother, except in a video call. i never knew they divorced until i was in highschool. my mother has another family now, I'm not her priorities anymore. Now i know why she never come home since she promised when i was in elementary school (she's working abroad).
Now imagine, you never see your mom, never felt the hugs, and caring from a motherhood in your entire life AND, your father he just right there with that PHONE. Existing. Doing nothing. Not even teaching me a thing for what i have to prepare in later life. Not even asking me anything, talk deeply with me, laughing a joke, encouraged me, etc.
And even fkn worse, he doesn't even working. he doesn't have a job. I live from his sister's money in other country which she has a family too (she has a restaurant). Now, I'm not going in college because lack of money, I'm trying to find a job, but something held me back. maybe my confidence or I'm just lazy, I'm trying to get out of this lazy routine out of loop.
My whole life feels like i want to cry but i can't, nobody would care, why would i even complaining, and even if i did, everything would be awkward and worse. i already know the answer from it. but, the only questions i didn't understand is why I'm alive in the first place? why I'm in this world? what I'm supposed to do?
And if not for my friends that i knew close since school, i would already be gone by now. my father know that we financially unstable and yet he doesn't even have an effort to find a job, we basically have a difficulty paying tuition fees. I knew that myself have a potential but what's the point? But, i keep going, because of my friends, I'm willing to see myself in the next decades, what and where would i be. Right now, I'm still stuck in this mental degrading-pitiful-disgusting house. When, I'm gone, I'm not gonna meet, talk, look, dream, or any of acknowledgement of their existence in my life ever again.
They expect me to care? to feel sorrow for their death? I'm sorry I don't know how, because i never been taught how to do it. I would never forgive, people like this makes billion children's life miserable. If billion children has enough conscious and early awareness about their parents act like this, every kind of this so called "parents" existed in this world would be gone.
thank you for reading my uhh rant.