When does it stop hurting?
Probably juat writing this for me because I dont have anyone I feel safe enough to talk to about it.
My boy died on the 5th May 2026. The day after his 15th birthday. I got him from someone who needed to rehome him. He was 18 months at the time. When I first saw him I was nervous because he was bigger than I expected, I was told he was a staffy. He was not. However, on first encounter we fell in love. He jumped in my car and the next 13.5 years was history.
He was the only living thing in my life who loved me just because. Its been excruciating without him, I cant stop crying. I thought maybe I'm just already so depressed with everything else thats happened. My pop died on the 22/04/26, funeral 30/04, my cat 26/01. 2p26 has just been horrible with everything else that I'd need 10 post to just explain. Fights with my husband all the rest.
I'm normally such an avoidant, supress everything. However, I cant stop replaying hia death. Back home from interstate for my pop, back for 4 days before I came home from my job I started in January this year and have hated mostly every day of. Despite wanting this role for a years.
I've not cried like I have since he left, even through everything already. I hate that I didnt get to spend these last few weeks with him going back and forth for my pop even though that loss alone was so hard and im thankful for the time I got to share before my pop passed.
Losing Bruno is just too much. I play over and over in my head how I asked him not to leave me this year. Variably feeling so betrayed. He showed minimal to no signs of being unwell, and had a acute deterioration of a chronic unknown issue. It was unexpected and traumatic. He was old but no one guessed he was 15, I took comfort in those comments. Delusion maybe? Delusion I had another year atleast before old age needed intervention.
He was the only living thing that loved me just because I was me. I loved him just as unconditionally. All he had to do was be there when I got home and the house felt full. Even with kids of various ages, even with a husband, even with friends and work it has not changed how incredibly lonely and empty I feel now he is not here with me.
I know its been a week, and early days. Ive had depression in various stages my whole adult life to know I am right now. It doesnt change that I'm struggling with feeling so so sad and heart broken and ive got nothing I feel comforted by. I'm an absolute mess.
How do you go from losing the only thing that loved you for you, the only thing that was happy just because you looked at them and for no other reason. Who hugged you and checked on you and comforted you, who missed you because your absence was felt.
Who ran and played with you, and a clear smile on their face just for a few short moments of your undivided attention. Where through all the daily tasks, they only might have asked for was some of your chicken. Throwing out left overs hurts too much I cant even cook. Im crying over god damn fish and chips being put in the bin.
I dunno, im just so sad and being so avoidant I'm struggling to grapple with these emotions. I want it to stop but enough sense to know it takes time. I just miss him so much.