Not on the Menu
The restaurant was called Bev's Place, a fine dining place that prides itself on cuisine, service, and decor that make you feel welcomed. It's an hour outside of Knoxville in a very tucked-away corner of the woods. If I were to describe it, I'd say the picture has a double-decker log cabin next to a river with a water mill, and a giant wrap-around porch. The wood is American chestnut, don't ask me how the owners got their hands on so much of it, because even I don't know. It's a bit Hoity-toity, but aren't all fancy restaurants? I've been working at Bev's for the better part of a decade, and for the longest time, I was really in a bad spot. I had an extreme depressive episode and was experiencing extreme self-hatred. It wormed into my head and convinced me that I wasn't worth anything. I didn't deserve love, friendship, family, or even a job. I was down on my luck. Jobless for eight months, and rent bills kept piling up. Soon, I would've had to face eviction and the harsh reality of homelessness. Then, as I was sitting there in my shit-hole apartment, I saw an ad for Bev's in the local newspaper. I figured 'What the Hell' and just gave them a call.
So, here I am. I started out as a dishwasher and worked my way all the way up to a waiter. I still help in the kitchen every now and then, but I'm primarily the problem solver. Whenever people complain, have questions, need directions, or want a second helping, I'm your guy. Most of the time, we've got good days. Every once in a while, we'll have an order that goes wrong, or a guy will have way too much wine. Had one guy so drunk that he started heckling the staff and demanded out loud to everyone in attendance,
"Who shit my pants?!"
He was promptly thrown out, and I had the pleasure of banning him from Bev's myself.
At the center of Bev's was Beverly Stevenson, and I wish I could tell you more about her, but she's a genuine enigma. She built the place herself, trained the cooks, and was always a big motherly figure for everyone. Her accent was thick, but she spoke with utter finesse and grace. My co-workers are a big family, but I hate to say that I don't remember every single one of their names; I mostly remember faces. However, I developed a friendship with a woman named Sarah. She was a redhead and freakishly tall. I'm talking 6'6, and I don't know why the others were intimidated by her tall stature, because she's been nothing but kind. Well, kind to me at least. Sarah and I would take breaks together and just chat the entire time. I'd tell her my woes with customers while she told me about kitchen drama.
Of the decade I'd worked there, I've known her for about six years, and I've counted them as a blessing. It's funny how love works because I've never really considered myself a romantic. I just assumed that after 27 years and no solid relationships, I was done. That I'd just be one of those guys who'd just wind up without anybody. Yet, here I was working with a woman whom I considered to be one of my best friends. Last year, I built up enough courage to ask her out, and it didn't go super well. Well, at least on my end. I was shaking, sweating, and stuttering over my words. I was utterly terrified that, in expressing my feelings, I'd end a friendship that I'd cherished so deeply. There was a brief pause where she just sort of stared at me, and in that moment, I felt complete and utter despair. 'Way to go, genius. You've fucked it all up, like you always do'. I was about to apologize profusely and beg her to forget about anything I'd ever said. Then she told me,
"Jesus Christ, took you long enough."
She took my hand, and she just sighed, almost like a heavy load was taken off her shoulders.
"Want to go bowling with my friends and me on Saturday?"
Of course, I said yes. For the next year, it was bliss. It was like my missing piece finally revealed itself to me, and I couldn't have been happier. It's like I had finally allowed myself to be happy. We moved in together into an apartment, which was nicer than my old one, and we even bought a cat. His name is Carl, and he's an asshole to me, but he seems to like Sarah well enough, so I guess it balances out. The plan was to keep working together at Bev's and save up enough to buy a house far away from the noise of the city. Nothing but the sounds of wind blowing through the trees.
The plans changed when Gustaf Fjord arrived.
It was a Friday, the crowd was busy, and I was bouncing from table to table getting orders, collecting checks, and trying my best to keep track of who was low on drinks. I went back to the kitchen, gassed, and Sarah was halfway through putting a coating of sauce on freshly fried chicken when she saw me burst into the room. I put up the new orders for the kitchen staff, and Sarah yelled out,
"Busy?"
"Fuckin-A, it's busy. Is there a holiday or something today?"
"Not that I know of."
"Maybe there's something in the water."
Another guy chimed in, I think his name was Greg or something. He was washing dishes and called out,
"It's just one of those days!"
I got three pitchers of drinks and went back out into the bustling restaurant. Lemonade, water, and tea. I was watching the other waiters and waitresses dashing around with exhaustion. I took care of refills, and then I was just about to take a small break when someone entered through the door. The man wore a pressed light tan suit with a light blue undershirt. His skin was pink, his body was pudgy, and he sported hair so yellow that it could be mistaken for white. His shockingly blue eyes darted around, looking for someone to take him to a table. I was hoping for someone, anyone, to take him, but every other waiter and waitress was busy. I begrudgingly walked over to him and regurgitated the same phrase that we're supposed to say to everyone else,
"Welcome to Bev's. Are you dining with us today?"
"I am," he said, there was a slight accent, possibly Swedish, but I'm no aficionado on that kind of stuff.
"Alright, we'll get you a table as soon as possible."
"Perkele...how soon?"
"I'd say..." I looked around, the tables were all full, and I couldn't lie. I don't think I'm capable of lying. "I don't know. Maybe an hour, but probably less."
He grunted as he reached into his jacket pocket and retrieved a card. It was laminated, stark black with a scant amount of information written on it. It read:
GUSTAF FJORD, FOOD CRITIC.
I was taken aback by this because after working here for so long, I'd never seen this guy before in my life. We get our fair share of critics, but they're pretty much regulars here with few complaints. I thought that this guy must've thought he was hot shit. I took the card and nodded. I told him,
"Just have a seat, and I'll be with you in a little bit, okay?"
"Hm," he grunted,
I held the card in my hand as I strolled all the way back to Bev's office. I gave her door three knocks, and she answered,
"Come in."
I opened the door to find her mulling over bills and punching in calculations into her phone calculator. She glanced up at me with tired eyes and said,
"Hey, Paul."
"There's a guy out front who gave me this."
I showed her the card, and she stared at it for a second. Her expression dropped, and she looked at me with a look that terrified me. It wasn't anger or hate; she was scared. Her eyes were wide as she snatched the card from my hand, and she got up from her desk. She spoke to me in a hushed manner,
"I need you to tell the other staff to cancel any orders that they're cooking, and we need everyone out of the restaurant as soon as possible."
"What? You just want us to all clear out the restaurant?"
"Yes! Do it!"
"Bev, who is this fucking guy?!"
"He's a critic. One of the world's best. Do you know how much power he has? He can kill a business with the click of a goddamned pen! So I suggest that if you like your job, get going!"
She burst from her office and ran out front to greet Gustaf, who was sitting idly as he scribbled down in a small, leatherbound notebook. As she made introductions and small talk, I gathered up all of the waiters and told them what Bev told me. They didn't believe me at first. A waitress by the name of Emily ran over to ask Bev, only to be accosted publicly in front of the whole restaurant. She'd never done anything like that to any of us. So, when she returned to the group, wiping away tears, she vouched for me.
The next thirty minutes could only be described as chaos. We sent home people who didn't even get a chance to touch their food, and we fully refunded them. They kept asking for a reason why they were being ushered out, and some wondered if they had done anything to offend the management. I just told them that something unexpected came up. Some took it and just solemenly left, others blew up saying that they loved this place and that they didn't want to leave. I had to stop them from getting into a fistfight by forking over hundreds of dollars of my own money. They spat in my face but still took the money anyway. In the kitchen, a different kind of chaos was unfolding. They were scrambling to take the meals that they'd finished making into to-go boxes, but a lot of meals weren't finished at all. So, everything had to be dumped into the garbage. Steaks, lobster, biscuits, chicken, and so much more were promptly tossed out. A monumental waste of food.
The place was completely cleared out, and yet Bev was still panicking and giving harsh orders for us all to clean the tables at once. All the while, this smug Swedish prick was sitting there with a smirk on his face as he jotted down notes into his little notebook. Everyone was scrambling to make sure the whole restaurant, both floors, were absolutely spotless. When everyone was finished, Gustaf stood to his feet, congratulating the crew on their hard work.
"Remarkable! Simply remarkable! Fan i helvete! Now, I don't know about any of you, but I am famished."
Bev stepped in before any of us could step in to help him,
"Right this way! We're so sorry for the delay, but trust me, it'll be more than worth your while!"
She was desperate. I'd never seen her act this way before. We'd had critics before, and she treated them the same as everyone else. No red carpets or special treatment. Whoever Gustaf was, he must've meant something to her. We were about to quietly depart, but then Gustaf snapped his fingers at us,
"No one leaves. I want you all here, to see your faces."
So we just stood there, watching him take his seat and seeing Bev do the job that all of the other waiting staff and I were supposed to do. She asked him,
"What would you like to drink?"
"Red wine, the oldest you have."
"Would you like a menu or-"
"Actually, could you make me something, from scratch?"
Bev deflated a bit and nervously glanced back to the kitchen staff. Sarah looked to me and silently mouthed 'What the fuck' and yeah, my thoughts exactly. He pushed the menu back to Bev and stared at us all with curious eyes. He clasped his hands together and looked like he was in very deep thought. Then he clapped his hands with a thunderous snap, and he announced,
"I got it! I would like a homosapien steak."
He lifted his hand and surveyed the cooks until he landed on Sarah,
"...Her...I want her to cook my meals tonight."
Bev nervously spoke up,
"I'm sorry, but we don't have...what did you say you wanted?"
"Homosapien. Don't you know your basics? That's a primate."
Bev stuttered,
"We don't....we don't have primate. That's not on the menu."
Gustaf looked to the staff and smiled,
"Looks like you have plenty to me."
We all nervously looked at each other as he examined us silently, but when he saw one of our chefs, a brawny man named Daryl, he smiled and said,
"He looks nice. Muscular with just the right amount of fat."
Daryl looked around to see if anyone else was going to step in and say something, but everyone was too stunned to say anything.
"This...uh...this some sort of joke?" he said, "Seriously, what is this? A prank? Bev, if this is a prank, it ain't fucking funny."
Bev pinched her brow and sighed,
"Daryl...could you-"
"No! Fuck no! Are you joking?"
The others mumbled at what we were all witnessing. This couldn't be serious, could it? That's when Gustaf made it serious. He withdrew a phone from his pocket and texted someone. Within seconds, a tall man wearing a black suit emerged. Gustaf pointed to Daryl, and the man unbuttoned his jacket and revealed a shoulder-holstered pistol. Daryl just stood there and looked at Bev, who kept her eyes down on the floor. He scoffed and reached for his cellphone,
"Fuck this, I'm calling the c-"
BANG. Something punched a hole into his face, his cheek dropped, and blood began to ooze from the wound. He stood for a few more seconds, looking back at us all, and to this day, I don't know how to describe the look. Shock was the most prominent emotion on his face, but he also looked hurt, emotionally hurt. Like we betrayed him by not saying a word. Maybe we did; we were all complicit in that way. He gave a short two-step walk, and then he tumbled onto the hardwood floor. There was no exit wound; the bullet was lodged in his skull, and the blood just began to run out of his face. It didn't take long for it to pool into a puddle of viscous dark red.
"Thank you, Olaf."
The guard walked to the back of the room, re-holstered the weapon, and just watched us with cold eyes. Gustaf clapped his hands together and gestured to the body.
"There! Now you have meat!"
Bev didn't look at us as she said the words,
"We'll have it out shortly."
I thought about saying something, about taking a fork and jamming it into this asshole's eye. But as I moved towards him, I saw the man in black reaching for the pistol. His hand firmly on the handle, all he had to do was pull it out and shoot. I just trembled as I saw Sarah return to the kitchen, tears in her eyes as she did so. She called out to the other kitchen aides,
"I'm gonna need some help with this."
Four of them went into the kitchen while two dragged the body back there. Yet, before Sarah could start, Gustaf called out to her,
"Flank."
"I-I'm sorry?"
"That's my preferred choice of steak."
"...Understood."
Bev turned to me and said,
"Go get some wine from the cellar downstairs."
I leaned in to the whisper,
"Bev, why are you doing this? Who is he to you?"
"He's everything. Daryl isn't going to die in vain."
"Listen to yourself! What are-"
Before I could complete my sentence, she slapped me across the face. So hard that it made my teeth click together, I cut my lower lip. She stepped back, looking at me with fanatical eyes,
"Do your goddamned job!"
All the while this happened, Gustaf just watched and laughed to himself.
"Vilken javla rora!"
I was stunned, and against all of the red alarms going off in my head, I did my job. I thought about the house, I thought about me and Sarah's life. Where else was I supposed to work? All I knew was that after today, I would ask for a raise, immediately.
The wine glasses were all stacked neatly in a row, and the oldest bottle there was coated in dust, untouched. I withdrew it, rubbed the dust from the label, and saw that it was bottled in 1899. I didn't expect Bev to have anything of this caliber on hand. I returned upstairs and grabbed a corkscrew from the kitchen. When I entered, I saw the kitchen aides looking pale as ghosts, and then there was my Sarah, he expressionless face seasoning a slab of meat. I looked at her and asked,
"Sarah?"
She didn't look at me, she just kept seasoning the meat and rubbing it in. She got a frying pan and put oil in it. She made cooking seem so easy. I called her name again, but she didn't look at me as she said,
"Let's just get this over with."
I didn't know what to say, so I just told her that I loved her. I think that this sent her over the edge; tears filled her eyes as she plopped the meat into the pan. I heard the crackling sizzle and the smell of meat. As I was about to leave, I looked to the freezer and saw Daryl's legs poking out from the dark, pale with small flecks of blood staining them. When I returned to the table, Gustaf was sitting there, and he was smiling with glee as I laid the bottle down. He examined the label, and he chuckled,
"Perkele! Very good year! Had no idea this place could afford it."
"Would you like me to pour it or would you prefer I leave the bottle?"
He squinted and smirked at me,
"Do you hate me?"
"I didn't say that."
"You realize that I could have Olaf over there shoot you for disrespecting me. I have more money than you could even imagine owning. I don't think you know how influential I am. I've ended careers with a stroke of a pen."
I didn't say a word, I just nodded and left the bottle. I uncorked it, and for one moment, I thought about jamming the corkscrew into his throat and watching him bleed onto the white tablecloth. I gripped it, and with all my might, I just kept my hands to my side. Every fiber of my body wanted to end him, but then Sarah would be all alone, and what if there were more guards outside just waiting for something to go tits up? What if this whole thing turned into a giant slaughter, all because of my actions? My mind swam with all the horrifying possibilities that I didn't even realize that I wasn't moving. Gustaf spoke to me gently,
"You okay?"
I wanted to slap him. How can he just do what he did and then act like a compassionate human being? I looked down at him with contempt,
"I'm fine."
He sips the wine and sets down the glass as he shifts his body to face me,
"You seem like a good man. Back home, we have a saying that the strongest people have sisu. In this part of the states, I've heard southerners use a similar expression, that they have grit. I can see that you have that. Any other time I do this, I have some Rovhal try to be brave and kill me. It always ended the same, with him getting shot, and then it just turned into a whole mess. Perkele! There was this one time I went to Quebec, and I wanted the same meal I had tonight. They, of course, didn't have any homosapien meat for me, and, like tonight, I had another one of my guards shoot an older employee. I prefer youthfulness, but every now and then, the old flesh tastes exquisite. Tenderized by life, worn down to a point where the meat falls right off the bone."
"Where are you going with this?"
"Well, the owner had a change of heart and decided to attack me. She goes down, and then the rest charge at me, a crew of nearly thirty people. I had to duck so that the others wouldn't shoot me in the crossfire. Lit them up like the....uhhh...oh! Like the fourth of July! So, we have to cover our tracks. My men dug the bullets from the bodies and dragged them all the way back into the kitchen. We dumped some fryer oil onto the floor. Then we let the oven fill up the restaurant with its gas, and when all was said and done, I lit a match."
He produced from his pocket a matchbox, within it lay an array of matches wth vibrant red ends, all except for four at the bottom. They were all charred black.
"I only resorted to this four times. For a moment, I thought I'd have to brace myself for a fifth."
I felt a chill roll down my spine, my stomach knotted, and all I could get out was,
"Is there anything else you might need?"
He scratched his stubble, and his eyes lit up as if he'd forgotten something,
"Yes, actually. Would you mind getting me a toothpick?"
"Sure."
I was about to return to the kitchen when I saw Sarah emerge from the kitchen, holding a platter in her hand. She looked hollow, her eyes void of all life, and her body just walked past me, like I wasn't even there. Sarah laid down the plate and gave him a bow.
The plate was decorated with a baked potato, cooked brussels sprouts, and, of course, the meat. It looked like steak, the charred crust, the rich brown color, and all of it sat in a pool of greasy blood. Gustaf stared at the plate with a kind smile and took hold of Sarah's hands, patting them like a proud parent,
"You did so marvelously! Look at that! It might be the best prepared steak I've ever seen! Tack så mycket!"
She returned to the rest of us, and I embraced her. She was still tensed up, and she was slightly shaking. I didn't say anything to her, and she didn't say anything to me; we just held each other as Gustaf dug into his food.
For someone who prided himself on his bougie looks, he ate like a fucking pig. He grunted, he moaned, and he kept gnashing on the meat with loud smacks. Whenever he drank the wine, he didn't sip anymore; he took loud, breathless slurps. He would belch whenever he took a pause in eating. I think that maybe he wound himself up, gobbling up the meal like some feral hog. When there was no meat left, he held the plate up and tilted it into his mouth as he drank the greasy runoff that sat at the bottom. He wiped his mouth with a napkin and dabbed the sweat from his forehead. He moaned in pleasure and applauded the staff, standing to his feet as he did so.
"Utterly superb! I prefer my steak medium rare, but that was phenomenal!"
Bev's eyes lit up, and I wanted to deck that old bitch across the face. She got everything that she wanted, and all of the heartbreak of the dead employee in the freezer suddenly vanished. It's like she made her mind up in that moment that Daryl's death was worth it in the long run, as long as it appeased the great Gustaf. Bev was about to write him up a ticket when he raised his hand,
"Unfortunately, I'm still hungry."
The room grew so quiet that you could hear the wooden floor creaking as we all nervously stood around waiting for what this man had in store for us. Gustaf looked at us all and raised his hand in a calming gesture,
"Please, there's no need to be scared, you're fine. You're all safe. I brought something for you to cook yourself; no more blood will be shed tonight."
He looked back and motioned to Olaf to get something. He nodded, and he made his way outside. I heard the sound of a car door, or maybe a trunk, opening and then closing. Another man walked in, a tall man with yellow hair tied up into a bun, and in his white knuckle grip was a styrofoam container. He held it by a handle as he walked past us and into the kitchen. A minute later, he walks out, adjusting his tie, and in passing, Gustaf says,
"Thank you, Gustav."
There was an uncomfortable eeriness in the room, and Gustaf cut through the silence by asking,
"Miss? I would like you to get started, if possible."
Sarah began to tremble as he called out again,
"It's just one more meal, not that much to cook."
She let go of me, and I tried to hold on to her, but she swatted my grasp away,
"No. I have to do this."
"Sarah, just get someone else to-"
She spoke up to the rest of the kitchen crew,
"No one goes in the kitchen but me!"
In that moment, I didn't know what she meant by this at first, but now that I think back on it, she was taking the burden that the others could've carried. Everyone that night still had to deal with the shock of death, and then we had to feed a cannibal. Enough trauma to last someone a lifetime, but my Sarah, my beautiful Sarah, she decided that she could take more trauma for the rest of us, that she could bear that cross.
From the kitchen, I heard a sudden and sharp gasp and a brief scream. I ran towards the kitchen, but she heard me coming. Through the door, I heard her scream out, fighting against tears,
"Stay there! Don't come in here!"
So, I stayed put. An hour passed as I heard her in there making something. Gustaf sat in his chair, looking at his phone to check the time intermittently, and then he began to write down some more notes. Bev nervously toyed with her bracelet, and I was happy she was stressed. She deserves nothing but the worst at this point. Eventually, out she came, holding a plate of meat, garnished with sage and sea salt. Gustaf clapped in excitement as the plate was laid down before him, and as soon as the plate touched the table, he began to dig into his meal. He forewent the utensils and just feasted with his hands. Sarah walked up to me and just collapsed into my arms. I caught her and followed her onto the floor. I just cradled her there; her eyes were red, and tears wet her face. I'd never seen her so...weak...
He licked his plate and sucked every single one of his fingers. He wiped his mouth, his chin, and his fingers before throwing the napkin onto his plate. He threw his hands up and called out to Bev,
"I'm stuffed! Your restaurant took a little longer, but the meals were spectacular. You have my full endorsement, and my review will be glowing."
Bev rushed to shake his hand and said with hysterics,
"Thank you! Thank you, Mr. Fjord! You are welcome here any time!"
"Of course, and I shall return!"
He stood to his feet and bowed to the staff,
"That was a wonderful meal, and you are all wonderful people."
He raised his glass of wine to us and said,
"Skal!"
With that, he drank the wine, and he left us. He ran to the kitchen, wearing gloves and brandishing long black bags. However, when they left, it soon became clear to us that they were body bags. They left, dragging Daryl behind them. Then, they were gone.
We departed in silence; Sarah and I didn't say a word to each other the entire drive back. I never pressed what was in the container, what she was made to cook. Sarah fell asleep as soon as we got back to the apartment, and for the first time since adopting him, he approached me, like he could tell I was upset. He let me pet him for only a moment, and then he ran to be with Sarah. I got a text from Bev saying that our pay was being increased and that we'd be getting around 120,000$ a week from here on out. I was disgusted with her, but I was more disgusted with myself because I went back to work for two more weeks. Sarah didn't return to work, and I didn't blame her. Gustaf never returned. When I got my last paycheck, I quit. With this, I told Sarah that I was ready to move, to build our dream house. She grabbed my hand and smiled; her eyes were tired, but I could find a glimmer of happiness deep down within her.
The house was plain but beautiful. Nothing fancy, nothing showy, but it was the house we both dreamt up together. After a few weeks of building, we moved in, and for a while it was great. Yet, despite the bright colors we adorned it with, it still felt cold to us. I noticed that Sarah was really down; she ate less, and she slept more. One day, I came home, and I found her lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling as tears rolled down the side of her face. I scooped her into my arms and told her to talk to me, that I knew she was suffering, and I just wanted her to tell me what was wrong. After that, the headstrong woman I knew became a blubbering mess, and the floodgates were released as she wailed into my shirt.
"Oh God..." she whimpered, "I....I....He....he made me cook..."
"It's okay, it's okay, that's over now."
She steadied herself, snifling and wiping away tears. She looked me in the eye and told me,
"It was a baby."
That night, I snuck out, drove to Bev's with two cans of gasoline, and waited for everyone to leave. Well, almost everyone. I knew for a fact that Bev liked to stay behind and do some reorganizing and managing bills. It didn't matter to me; she was complicit. I dumped the gas all over the porch, around the sides, and I made sure that every single exit was doused in gas. I lit the match and saw it go up in flames. I heard the faint voice of someone crying out from inside, but I just drove off. I figured if she got out, fine, as long as that restaurant burned, I'd be happy. Days later, I got a newspaper saying that 'fire claims beloved restaurant owner.' I thought I'd feel something, satisfaction or justice, but I felt nothing. As for Gustaf, I tried looking him up and got nothing. Evidently, he doesn't exist.
Sarah and I got married, but she refused to have children. She told me that a woman like her, to do what she did, how could she be a mother? I told her that she was the strongest woman I knew, and that one day, if she wanted to, she'd be a wonderful mother. Yesterday, I awoke and found that Sarah was gone, but I had a hunch about where she might be. I drove until I arrived at the charred ground where Bev's used to stand. She was there, kneeling in the dirt and ash. I approached her, and as I did, I heard that she was praying, asking for forgiveness for what she'd done. I didn't say a word, and I just sat next to her and held her hand.
We were two souls sharing pain.