Help needed
Hi, I expect this will be long, sorry.
This started a couple of years ago, where for two weeks I couldn't stop thinking about death. About non existence, the thought of nothing. I'd research every article under the sun about possible afterlives, I'd notice stupid things like touching walls and just the feeling of walking around, and remember it would all end. And at night, that horrible anxiety where it feels like my entire body is sinking in on itself.
I only really got out of that mindset because of my mother, who helped me, but she passed away at the end of that year. I still thought about it, and feared it, but not to that detrimental degree.
Now it's back. I've never been religious, and I've always been a sceptic when it comes to mysticism or the paranormal. So I have no comfort in believing in some form of afterlife, or even just existence after death.
It's not the pain of death I can't stop thinking about, it's everything about the lack of existence. That there would be no me, no memories to look back on, none of my thoughts or the people I love, not even darkness.
I've had people say it's just like when you fall asleep, or just like before you were born. Which only makes the feeling worse, because... I feel like screaming, "exactly?!" that's exactly what I don't want.
I also understand the fact that thinking about it won't make me understand the concept. I know it will only make it worse. But when I try to put it out of my mind, I feel like all I'm doing is delaying the inevitable and it just comes back. Sometimes, I wonder why the whole world isn't screaming about this.
I'm sorry for the long post, but I just wanted somewhere to talk about it where I would be understood. I love the people around me, and they're wonderful, but when I try to talk about it they're compassionate, yes, but it's a heavy topic, and I understand not wanting to talk about it further.
I don't really know what I want from this. Mostly just confirmation that it somehow does get better? I'm not looking for indisputable proof of an afterlife, more that there is a way to get through this, because it's affecting my hobbies and my ability to talk to people without mentioning all of this.