I don't know what to tag this really, I hope this one is the right one
I cut/relapsed in the school bathroom last week, and ever since then ive been thinking about it, I'm a culinary student and I go through constant stress in the kitchen, not only that, my teachers aren't the nicest and I am also autistic so I have trouble processing some information which has made my teammates start to resent me.
This caused me so much stress to the point I brought blades, spray alcohol and wet wipes to school only so I could relapse after I got lunch break.
I feel weird, terrible, I bled everywhere and I was anxious and my adrenaline was pumping so high and my white cooking jacket got accidentally stained and even though it was cramped, made me anxious because of germs and made me scared someone would find out.
I still feel like I want to do it again, I don't know why, I was bleeding everywhere and I was so scared and after I left the bathroom I felt like everyone was staring at me and even yet I still want to do it again but be more "cautious" next time.
I try to stay clean for as long as I can, I've tried everything but I just felt way too stressed, and I don't want this to become a habit, I don't know what to do, I felt so much better after I did it but now I feel scared that it'll become something I do over and over again until someone finds out.
I don't know what to do, I don't know if I should tell a guidance counselor because last time my friends cuts re-opened he sent to a hospital for them and given a long psych eval. I don't want that, I feel okay enough by myself and I am aware of my issues, I just don't want to cause a big problem out of this.
I am 18, I know and I hope that they can't send me to a psych ward or something because I'm an adult, at least I'm praying that it's that way. . .
I don't know what to do, therapy is sort of out of the question, my family lives paycheck to paycheck, so I'm not sure who to tell about this fear that I'll start cutting in the bathrooms as a normal thing.
TLDR: Cut in the school bathrooms, I'm getting urges to do it again but I don't want it to become a habit and I don't know what to do or who to tell about this fear, I can't afford therapy.