u/JL0D

Ok so I might be at the wrong subreddit for this but I've never met or seen anyone else go through this so here goes:

I'm 21 and have never been in a relationship in my life. I've only had crush 3 times now, and only one of them wasn't a celebrity. My last celebrity crush was before I even knew I was asexual. Anyways, 6 months ago after 5 years it finally happened to me again with Hannah Einbinder (see reference above and you'll get it) and it's been driving me insane. I barely get to enjoy it, I'm just mad at myself or embarrassed or ashamed. Aside from Instagram, any media I consume of her, any image I have saved of her is done on an alt, purely out of fear of someone I know seeing her on my main. I feel so uncomfortable talking about it with friends and family, most of the time I can't even get myself to say her name out loud. And again, it's not like I haven't had a celebrity crush before, but somehow the knowledge that I'm asexual has made it worse. Cause now I get this intense visceral reaction from seeing her. Most people under any other circumstance would just call me down bad, but I obviously don't wanna have sex with her. I don't wanna kiss her, I don't even wanna meet her. I just really like her as a person and think she's soul crushingly hot (again google her and you'll get it).

What makes it even worse is I see what regular cishet people or in her case specifically sapphics write about her online and it infuriates me because I'm kicking myself over the most harmless thoughts imaginable while these people are horned up out of their minds AND THEY'RE HAPPIER THAN ME. It just frustrates me that having a crush, the thing that feels really really good by literally everyone else, somehow can't to my brain.

Idk, I'm praying to God someone here can relate so I know it has something to do with my asexuality, cause if not I think I might just be insane.