u/JP-8forbreakfast

Original Post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Christianmarriage/s/1pGjmrNYtN

My wife and I have known each other since we were kids—12 and 15. I loved her before I even understood what love was.

We got married young, fast, and honestly without ever learning how to be married.

Looking back, I brought a lot of brokenness into it. I didn’t know how to be emotionally present. I didn’t lead well. I didn’t love her the way she needed. After our first child, she struggled deeply—and I wasn’t there for her the way I should have been.

Over time, she learned how to survive without relying on me.

We became functional, but not close.

About two years ago, I realized something had to change. I thought I was submitting to God—but I wasn’t. It wasn’t until about six months ago that I understood what surrender actually means.

It’s not something you do. It’s a mindset you live by.

He is my #1 now.

Since then, something has changed in me.

I see her clearly now—her pain, her exhaustion, what she’s carried because of me. I’m not defensive anymore. I’m not trying to control things. I’m just trying to show up consistently and love her the way Christ loves the church.

Here’s the hard part:

She doesn’t trust it yet.

She’s told me she’s okay with a “mediocre marriage.”

Our emotional and physical connection is still struggling.

And I get it. I caused a lot of that.

But I’m in this place where I know I’m changing for real… and it feels like I’m pouring out with very little coming back.

I’m coming here because I really want to handle this in a way that honors God, but I’m struggling.

I’m married with kids (6f, 3f, and <1f) and over the past season I’ve been trying to intentionally change how I show up as a husband. I’ve been focusing on loving my wife the way Christ loves the church serving her, being more present, more patient, more engaged at home, and trying to lead with humility instead of selfishness.

But I’m wrestling with something I don’t know how to handle well.

My wife (30f) told me (27m) recently that I’m not a priority to her right now. I’m not twisting her words that’s what she said. I’m trying to receive that without getting defensive, and instead just keep loving her well where she’s at.

The hard part is the physical side of our marriage.

I still desire her a lot, but she has little to no interest in sex. I’m trying to respect her, not pressure her, and not turn intimacy into something that feels demanded or transactional. I don’t want to sin in how I respond whether that’s lust, resentment, or withdrawal.

But internally, it’s a real struggle. It feels like: I’m trying to give more and more, but still falling short in her eyes. I feel unwanted physically and not pursued at all

I’m fighting sexual urges while also trying to stay disciplined and God-honoring. And I’m trying not to let bitterness creep in. I know marriage isn’t about keeping score. I know I’m called to love sacrificially regardless of what I receive back. But I also don’t think God designed marriage to feel this disconnected either.

So I’m asking: How do you handle sexual frustration in a God-honoring way when your spouse isn’t interested in intimacy?

How do you keep your heart soft toward your wife when you feel unwanted or like you’re not a priority?

And how do you discern the difference between faithfully persevering and ignoring something that actually needs to be addressed?

I’m not here to blame my wife. I know I’ve had my own failures in our marriage, and I’m trying to grow and be better. I just don’t want to handle this the wrong way and cause more damage.

I’d really appreciate wisdom, Scripture, or even just perspective from people who’ve walked through something similar.