u/JPGer23

This is not only my very first post in this subreddit, but also on reddit. I consumed your posts and comments in the past as a silent reader, thank you for that, they have helped a lot.

The following might be long, sorry for that, but I would like to get your advice in that complicated matter – also please be aware of the trigger warning regarding ED and NSSI.

I would proclaim that I’m a secure attached person in general, even though the situation described below has shown me that I’m slightly leaning anxious under certain conditions. I might also be younger than most people in this subreddit, but anyways, let me start with my story.

 

It all began early autumn 2023 – I recently moved back home and joined a new swimming group, and I exactly remember the moment I saw her the first time. Her slight smile, her hands, how she looked, …. People don’t believe in love at first sight, but for me it definitely was. From that moment I fell for her. But I know the following she was too young (minor – but no worries, I wasn’t that much older) and I also know, that only 12 months later I would be abroad for one semester – I did not plan or wanted to fell in love. But I couldn’t resist and fell for her every training a little bit more. Shortly after she then started flirting with me – mainly by being cheeky, but it was definitely flirting and see did the first step. Anyways, it did go on for a while, I fell more and more for her. Around one year later it was then time to say goodbye – I was going far abroad for nearly 30 weeks – we met a few last times in the training context, and I finally got her number.

The moment I was abroad we started texting every day – we wished us every day good morning and good night, write about a lot of stuff and I introduced the game, that we asked each one question every day to better get to know each other – yes, I was obvious in my intentions, but at that time being covered wasn’t important anymore and she played along as well - kinda. There was even something off back then – one day she was super flirty and wrote, that I was missed at practice and so one – and the other day she was cold and not responsive to obvious flirt attempt – I’m anyways grateful for what she did – writing with her daily was the reason why I never felt homesick – even though being thousands of miles away in the concrete jungle while missing back my small, calm and green little hometown.

Around 13 months ago (from today on), I went back home – I knew, that I wanted to get into a relationship with her and she also knew. We started meeting each other right after came home – and we finally spend some time together – and she had time for me, even though she was in midst of her final exams. A few days later – the day after she was writing one of her exams, it was the first time I was recognizing her arms. She had huge scratch-marks on them. I asked her about that when we talked after training and she confirmed it. We were talking and acknowledging our feelings for each other that afternoon. We hugged each other 2.5 hours that night – she was never leaving my side.

A few days later she said the first time, that she is not ready for a relationship – we talked that day after I asked for that and she explained to me, that she has an eating disorder (I knew about that since around 5 months, but for me with my limited knowledge at that time it all seemed rather wrapped up) and is hurting herself when she is not satisfied with her academic performance. I saw both as still compatible with a relationship and so we agreed to move onward, until she greeted myself one morning a few days later with yet another message, that she liked our time, but that she feels psychologically to week for a relationship – the reason was that she had a bad morning and a few hours after she regretted her message and I kinda planned to not move on anymore, but give her space and only move on naturally. I also started to inform myself more – about all that stuff and one thing was coming up casually that I was fearful about – avoidant attachment.

But anyways, we moved on slowly, but steady, holding hands, having a first real date, cuddling, meeting my parents, … around a month later she told me, that she would like to have a relationship with me (at least after her exams) …. It was very slowly, but that was okay – it was her first relationship and I understood that – but still something was off, there were those weird mood changes, those grumpy days, that inconsistent behavior in communication, not being fully open to me, meetings that are canceled at the last minute, etc. I attributed a lot to her psychological problems and the pressure she was under in the recent past – her ED was coming back in full force too and she planned to go abroad as well in less than 5 weeks. We weren’t officially together at that time but spent a lot of time together and texted daily.

A few days later it came to our next break - she doesn't know if she can do this with us. She was rambling on about how our values were too different and that she didn’t think a relationship could work with her being abroad. That for her, the alternative to a relationship with me would be no relationship at all, and that that wasn’t a bad thing for her either. From that day I was sure, that my fear was reality – she is an avoidant, while I want closeness, intimacy and a constant relationship, everything of that is pushing she away.

The next month was hell – we still spend time together (btw. I never initiated meetings, I have said to her quite some time ago, that she should say when she wants to do something, since I did not want to pressure her), but spending time with her was like torture – holding her hand was like holding the hand of a dead person and talking to her was nearly impossible, since she was completely in her thoughts with her head hanging down. It was hell, but I stayed constant. But the time went on and nothing changed – I never met her parents or cats (even though she was talking about doing this since around two months) and the day came closer, that she was about to go abroad. I would not like to let her go without making a clear decision (we were dating around 4 months while flirting for nearly two years), so I sat down and formulated my thoughts. The same evening, she called and wanted to talk.

Something was different that day – she was hugging tight again to greet me and was holding my hand close again too. After some time, she told me that she has hurt herself today and that she has finally decided about us. But then she went silent, so I did the talking – about that she is not well right now, that her ED is as dangerous as ever, that she should not go abroad and should seek professional help instead and that in my opinion we both know, that a relationship is not reasonable right now. She was of different opinion, shouted at me and ran away – I ran after her and caught up with her after a while. She was standing still and I explained more, especially how burdensome the whole situation is for me as well – we talked about 3 hours long. She explained a lot, about her psychological problems, how they were created (she didn't handle the change of schools well, and was always forced to go to school – she would cry her eyes out to her parents every night and argue with them so she wouldn't have to go to school, and she ran away from home, ...) and that she is seeking help since years, but that now it’s the first time since ever that she has the motivation to get her shit in order and that she really want to become someone else without those problems….

Long story short: I agreed to get into a relationship after that and we spent her last days kinda okayish, even though there was still some classical FA behavior like telling me that I deserved something better.

Like I unfortunately predicted her ED went full force – she was getting more emotional unstable, forgetful and the communication faded as before. At around the two months mark she was telling me, that she is coming home to seek medical advice here – her condition wasn't good. She had some heart problems and was only pounds away from immediate life-threatening complications – her doctor was about to admit her to the hospital and force-feed her – but after a week for the better, she decided to go back abroad as soon as possible. We met a lot during that time, and it was mostly okay. She canceled some meetings at the last minute and one day is burned into my brain – and that alone would be a valid reason for her FA attachment. She told me that her mother said to her that she is not allowed to move back home when she is not able to stay abroad - she is too much of a burden for her parents. I never saw someone sobbing so painfully. It is still sending a shiver down my spine even though I think about that situation and the pain she felt.

It wasn’t getting better and she couldn’t get her eating disorder under control. She decided to register at a clinic specializing in ED, but waiting time is long. She still planned to get back home again for NYE.

Communication was slowly fading and you could feel that something was off. Then, when we talked on the phone two days before Christmas, she told me that she doesn’t know if she can still be in this relationship. She explained a bit, but it wasn’t that comprehensible – our communication was fading to new lows until she came back home – I knew, that I could not continue like that.

We met the evening before NYE, and it was a cold night. She was cold as well – the rhythmic sound of her footsteps is the only thing that I heard for a while until she said with a whispering voice, that she can’t do this anymore. She wasn’t able to explain, but we talked for a bit mainly about me acknowledging it and this time it felt like a final breakup and I respected that. In the end she initiated (completely surprising for me) a close hug lasting several minutes after which she looked me in the eyes (she cannot look in someone’s eyes normally) with a broad smile on her lips. It was over.

She wrote a message that evening explaining a bit more: “I get the feeling that we're actually quite different when it comes to certain things…I’m not feeling good rn… I'm unable to be involved with anyone rn”) After a final message from my side we went no contact – she didn’t block me anywhere, but we haven’t heard from each other for a longer period than we were actually together – 4.5 months. Until a training partner asked me on Monday if I didn't know that she is currently back home – she has asked for our current training times. I spend the whole time until the training the next day to prepare for the possibility of meeting her – how I should behave, …. But even though that didn’t help, of course she came and the moment I saw her I was close to passing out. After I've calmed down a bit, I greeted her as normally as possible and the next 1.5h I combined all forces to behave as normally as possible. We didn’t talk about anything that day. That evening, she reached out via message and apologized multiple times for coming to the training and said that she felt pretty unsure during training etc. – I answered regularly, but our communication faded quickly again.

And here I am now. Yes, I know it wasn’t a proper discard and from what I have read here it could have been way worse – anyways anything is burned deeply into my brain, since the intermittent reinforcement was not only active over more than one year, but also included fears and thoughts about her general well-being – you cared deeply for a person and from one day to the other (I wasn’t aware that she was about to break up – I thought about how I could gave her her Christmas present moments before she broke up) you lose all communication and all access. I wasn’t that well the time after and went into a mild depression (not only due to her, but also due to AI anxiety and fears about the future) – I recovered and thought that I’m mostly over her but yesterday showed me that I’m not.

I know that a relationship would be neither possible nor good in the near future. We had a really unhealthy relationship - I mean, we probably didn't really have a relationship at all - at least not a conventional one. We had a sporadic exchange of feelings and lots of hugs. Since we’ve been (officially) together, we haven’t even met in person a dozen times, we’ve exchanged about 3,000 messages (130,000 characters), though a good 500 of those were “Good morning” and “Good night,” and we’ve spent 12 hours on the phone. Over the course of a four-month relationship, that amounts to 25 messages per day (combined), three-quarters of an hour on the phone per week, and a meeting about every two weeks - though the latter were concentrated into the three weeks when we were in the same place. I was at her place exactly once, never met her parents, we never kissed, she never stayed over at my place, we never said “I love you” to each other, we didn’t have pet names for each other - and that, even though she always avoided saying my name or even writing it down… I would have wanted much of that - no, all of it - but I always held back so as not to overwhelm her or set off her triggers. I know that I made a lot of mistakes like not setting boundaries, to much analysis, not communicating my needs enough, … but I’m still confident, that I was neither clingy nor pressured her in any way – I withdraw in the same pace as she did and tried to not chase her – we had a long-distance relationship and it hasn’t turned out anyways.

My mind knows that nothing has changed since our break. Well – she is a bit better regarding her ED, but still, such a deep FA attachment isn’t healed overnight. And even then: Wouldn't I then be associated with too much suffering for her, and wouldn't she be associated with too much of our painful past? I don’t know, I just know that I got more than emotional when and after I saw her yesterday and that my heart is still craving after her.

But anyways here is the part I would like to seek advice on: I know that she is here until Sunday – which means that she might join training on Friday and or that there would be still time. Especially to the FA’s/DA’s here – in my realistic thinking there is anyways no future for us (even though my heart would definitely disagree), but in my naïve thinking I would still like to talk to her about some things - not only for myself, but also for her.

I'm still missing a closure, and I'd like to talk about a few things. Her original message from yesterday suggested that she didn't know why I cut off contact. Maybe I should explain to her that I didn't turn into a jerk, but did it for both of us and so as not to hurt her? I'd really like to ask her how she's doing right now. And yet I know that's not a good idea: She’s very naïve about some things and believes she’s doing fine and doesn’t need to work on things or change… I think she’ll manage the other problems in her life, but as far as I know, she hasn’t fully realized yet that her attachment style will influence her life more than anything else – and she deserves to be loved and to feel loved more than anyone else. I don’t know how, but I’d like to help her in this regard, because knowing these things early on might help her?

Anyway, what do you think about this?
What should I do?
Or should I cut her out of my life completely and be grateful that I’ve dodged a bullet?

Thanks in advance 🙏 

Indications for FA attachment:

• Could not look me in the eyes.
• Could not speak my name aloud.
• Unspecified doubts about the relationship (constant)
• Lying about the smallest things
• No deep discussions – communication in general was really exhausting and never involved she fully
• General bad access to her emotions and childhood trauma
• Hot-cold behavior
• Up’s and down’s regarding communication
• Zero fights – we never went loud
• Very limited meetings
• Very limited physical intimacy
• Zoom in on my weaknesses – she makes some small things way larger than they are/ constructed differences/ flaws in my person
• Ignoring my needs - even when I've made them clear
• Honest communication about feelings, concerns, and problems is very rare (e.g., she had a traffic accident and was only telling me days after)
• Never get involved with me or take an interest in me (relationship felt sometimes transactional…one-sided)
• “You deserve someone better”
• Everything outside the relationship feels more important à our meetings were always planned around her availabilities
• Never brings up any boundaries or said what she would like to get from me, how I could help her, …
• Low self esteem
• Very self-critical (up to unhealthy behavior)
• She didn’t like her birthday (me neither, but very minor sign)
• …excluding all the stuff I felt like used, unwelcome, not secure, like I had to walk on eggshells, that we never wo