u/JWick1315

My (31M) best friend (31M) started dating his current gf (26F) roughly 4-5 months ago. They are in a long distance relationship as she lives in a different neighboring country, but they keep in contact through phone, discord and gaming, which is how they originally met. I’m not sure on the exact details, but I know it was almost 1 1/2-2 years ago in a GTA RP server. For this post, I will refer to best friend as Alex, and gf as Brittany. (I tried to make this post short, I’m sorry, but it was also therapeutic to write out. Thanks for your patience.)

(Context) Alex is currently going through the divorce process from his wife who he was together with for 8 years. They had 3 kids together, and now live separately and share custody. Without going into too many details in this post, they separated after Alex got caught in an emotional affair with a girl on this GTA server, though not Brittany. He messed up, lost his marriage, lost his dignity, and the guilt has been crushing. He wasn’t the same for close to 4 years, as he tried everything he could to repent and fix his marriage, to no avail. He earned these circumstances, but I still hated to see him depressed and suffering in his consequences and loneliness, especially since I don’t live near him anymore and can’t physically be there for him.

(Present) Dating Brittany was good for Alex at first because it was the most positive I had seen him in years since the separation. I was only ever able to interact with Brittany when gaming and talking in Alex’s Discord server. She’s not the type of girl I would ever date, but I was happy that my best friend was happy again and appeared to be healing from his depressed state. That did not last long.

They are fighting almost on a daily basis. Only verbal since they’re long distance, but it’s constant. The amount of reasons for fighting is far too long to list in this post, and honestly they’re all pretty pathetic reasons, on both sides. Just a few examples: she monitors everything he does, when he’s on Discord, off Discord, how long before he responds to texts or calls, and questions him if she feels his discord activity is irregular. He wants to be able to FaceTime her along with their calls and texts, but she refuses to do so because she says she’s insecure/“a bunch of other reasons” (his words). Whenever he does something she doesn’t like, or says something that offends her, she throws her hands up and says that they’re done, and she’s breaking up with him. 10 minutes later she’s blowing up his phone again demanding to know what he’s going to do to “fix this”. He shares his frustrations about this bandit with us (his friend group), but then the next day they’re back together again. Over, and over, and over again.

There have been a handful of times where he says he’s done, and he doesn’t talk to her, which causes her to spam call his phone, text throughout the night, stream her games with cryptic titles to get his attention, etc. In those moments, he says he knows that his heart isn’t really into this relationship, and he hates the way she makes him feel because everything is his fault, but then he says he’s terrified of being alone. I don’t blame him, but watching this cycle feels like getting punched in the gut.

If this was all that was happening, I wouldn’t have bothered posting this at all because it’s basically kindergarten nonsense, but recently they’ve been talking about her coming to his city to see him. Then, about a week ago, I was in his discord by myself when Brittany joined and started talking about the trip as well, only she was adding details like’s, moving there, not just visiting, and him supporting her financially, and so on. All of the sudden, this isn’t just a daily petty squabble; this now feels like a train wreck about to happen. I asked him about it in case she was blowing the trip out of proportions, but he didn’t deny it.

The crux of my post:

Again, without going into too many details right now, I have been very open with Alex about how big of a mistake I feel like this is. He listens to everything I say, agrees with pretty much everything as well, even goes as far as to wait until I’m online to ask me for my opinion about the latest fight, and I give it to him. I don’t get into the weeds with them, I tell him I don’t think they’re compatible. And I don’t think he deserves to be treated like this on a daily basis. He’s made very big mistakes in his life, but he’s coming back from them. He works hard, is a good father to his children, and he needs the support of a partner in his life, not the emotional maturity of a middle schooler. He thanks me for my opinions, agrees with everything I say, and then is back together with her the next day.

This is making me consider pulling away, because I hate watching this. And if I’m being honest, I’m starting to feel like I’m wasting my time expressing my opinions when they’re tossed aside this many times. He’s his own man, I respect that, but I don’t feel like I have to put up with it either. I’m not suggesting anything childish like, declaring him no longer my best friend, or anything like that. I feel like dating a line in the sand about his relationship. If she enters a voice chat, I’d leave. If he wants to talk about their most recent fight, I’d leave and not participate. If he just wants to game and talk trash, I’m there for it. I feel like this is fair, but I’m afraid in acting selfishly because he’s not listening to me. Am I thinking too much about this? Am I overreacting? Am I being selfish and not considering his feelings? For anyone that has the patience to read this whole thing, please feel free to be as brutally honest as possible, you’ve earned it <3

TLDR: My best friend is dating a girl long distance, and they fight/break up every other day, just to get back together again. They’re considering moving in together, I tell him it’s a mistake, he agrees, and then continues the cycle and is currently still with her. AITAH for considering distancing myself from him until he decides for himself to get out?