BPD & struggling with academic performance
Hi guys, I'm a chemistry major who was just diagnosed with BPD and depression last year.
I'm taking a double diplôme program, which means that I will be able to transfer to another university in France in the 3rd year to finish my studies. Though, the conditions for this exchange are to finish all the credits in my 1st and 2nd years, along with having level B2 in French.
I've been warned that it would be very stressful taking this program, and I'm now somewhat regretting my decision. I've been stuck in B1 for a while; also, there are still some credits that I haven’t finished, and I feel like it would take me forever to actually understand what is going on in those courses. So, now I have to choose between my French and my credits, if I focus on my French I fail my courses, and vice versa. I’ve been considering taking a gap year, but I'm afraid that I would just sabotage myself and drop out.
Things get worse when sometimes I have to take a break between exam seasons, or BPD would drive me insane. I was prescribed to use sertraline, but it only worsened my condition; on my most stable dose per day, my mind was jumping between trying to end my life to feel something and trying to understand what is going on in the board while my sense of self is melting away. I've stopped using sertraline for a while, and I’m taking vitamins as a replacement, but still, the effects are very subtle.
I feel so bad about myself, sometimes I feel like if I try enough I'll be passed, sometimes I don’t even know what I'm doing. I can’t focus on anything yet I can’t stand myself being a failure.
Does anyone else with BPD also have problems with academic work? And does anyone have any advice for me on dealing with this?