u/Jabcoin

Alright, so you know I’m just laying down after our host drew their first ever vent art. Not the greatest looking thing but it’s important to them. Makes me want to punch our drawing tablet, but I didn’t, why would I, that’d be dumb.

I then take a quick glance at headspace. Why the fuck is there the goddamn cosmos. The galaxy. Universe. I don’t know what the specifics are, but… what?

But alas, it helped a lot when I disassociated. It normally takes way longer, but no, just seeing them and their grand scale compared to me made me kind of snap out of the disassociation.

Wonder why it formed. Also it’s kind of like a headspace too. I’m unsure about what the term is for a headmate that is like a headspace too, since it still has a very distinct personality from the rest of us, and it acts as our headspace in general. Me and the rest of my headmates have our own little bubble, sometimes we share one when co-fronting/co-conscious. Idk. This is just interesting.

- Zorua

don’t you just love it when you disassociate heavily? When everything feels fake and who you are becomes impossible to figure out? Your vision gets blurry, and everything is disconnected, and life just sucks.

We pride ourselves with our ability to not worry about disassociation as much as others… but we still get these bad nights… atleast the blanket feels nice. Helps ground us and makes us feel a bit more stable

Hello. I am the most recent addition to our plurality, The Safari Zone. I do not have a name, but I do have a form, which is a paper anthropomorphic dog. I am not sure why, I do not know what breed it is, but it doesn’t necessarily matter.

When I used to not have a form and looked more like tv static, the others thought I were their intrusive thoughts. And to be honest, it felt like I kind of was. I do not like to admit this, but I have caused them more pain than I would like. Pain that I rather not talk about. It took a while, but with the help of the others in our plurality, and me, I feel free. Free from the trauma. Free from those thoughts. Free from the shackles of the past. I can’t recall the last time I’ve had so much fun before today. It feels like I forgot what it felt like.

But that’s got me wondering. I carried the weight of our trauma. Of our depression. Of our anxiety. Of all the negative mental health issues in our life. What’s going to happen. What is going to happen in the future? Will a new alter take my place in handling the negatives of our mental health? Will they come back to me? Will they be shared across the system? I am not sure. But after experiencing so much fun things like actually wanting to eat, generally just resting, stuff like that, (I haven’t done a lot of stuff since being freed from these thoughts) I don’t know if I want to go back to that reality.

It’s always an interesting feeling. I’d say I’m the best of all of us, but when I was playing online, I happened to notice one of my other headmates making me do some rather interesting moves, and just went on a rather big losing streak. And then the moment I can’t notice them anymore, I start doing rather well. Need to get used to this feeling, cause I’d imagine this isn’t the last time this will occur.

(and who knows, that might just be me and I just sucked a lot during than, but I doubt that)
- Scizor

I haven’t been the kindest to my headmates. I really haven’t, but I want to thank them in any way I can.

I was fronting with another headmate, and they shared memories of the past with me. It wasn’t pleasant, no it was not indeed. It doesn’t feel real, as I don’t got much connection to the event, but they did. They were crying and leaning on me and trusting me with themselves in a state less ideal.

Something about this event made me realize just how lucky I am to have everyone, and it’s a shame that I haven’t given them the respect and love they deserve, so I want to do something for all of them, because they deserve it.

I need to accept it. But just how do I accept it? I'm restricting our growth because of this and I hate it. I'm stuck grieving the life I used to have before discovering our plurality and I hate it. I just want to accept it, I really do, but I feel stuck. It feels like I shouldn't know this, but our brain trusted me enough to know this because I was finally in a better spot to properly handle it, but sometimes I just can't handle it.

I know it takes time, but I'm restricting our growth and I hate it. I need to get out of this ideology of hating my headmates because of learning our plurality, I need to grow out of this. But how do I properly grieve it? I... I don't really know.

This just happened but one weird thing rose to the front. We’ve interacted with them before, but it was never positive. They just said stuff and went back. It does this after one of us try to reach memories that we can’t handle yet, so we’re assuming it’s guarding us from our memories, but not this time.

I finished taking a shower and I was cleaning our body with no trouble at all. But then It came up to the front, still all blurry and gray and cloudy like, and acted all weird for itself.

The closest thing it felt like it was acting like was Shadow Milk Cookie, but even then that’s a bit of a stretch, it just had that general tone. It was congratulating us for a job well done, really emphasizing on the fact that our host is still in the process of accepting it, repeatedly saying words that our host said like, “they despise their headmates”, stuff along those lines. I was like, “yeah I would also hate my headmates if I was in her position. It’s very justifiable that she’s acting like that.” They didn’t like that all too much. They got annoyed, congratulated us again, and left.

First time experiencing that with them, and I’m not sure how to really feel about that. It all feels like hypocrisy but I don’t know a whole lot about them. It it really true? Is our supposed gatekeeper of our memories really telling us we’re making progress? Only time will tell, I guess.

- Zorua

I’ve been thinking about this for a while... I had a bit of a breakdown recently, and the more I think about it, the more my mind comes to this conclusion…

I think… I despise my headmates?

I’m still kind of confused about it… I still love them with all my heart, and I wish to be with them till the ends of time, but… I kind of hate them?

I had such a strong foundation of who I truly was. I finally had a good base of my identity in a lot of ways… I was finally feeling confident in who I could be in the future… but that hope allowed me to discover the others. And while I’m thankful I figured this out sooner than later… it’s just been tiring. I’ve been trying so hard to improve my life for so long, and now we need to navigate this… it feels like a little much sometimes.

I’m sorry if I seem hateful to them, I’m really trying not to. I just… wish I had a little of a break between the two periods.

Okay so very recently, we had a new headmate form who is a little, the first one we have, and ever since they formed and were blurry, and even now while they do have a form, they have never left the front. They have always stayed with whoever else was fronting at the time. They’re relatively nonverbal, expressing themselves through small noises like grunts and internally by writing/showing pictures of what they wish to say. They can speak, but it fills them with anxiety and they just rather not.

However they recently fronted alone for a period of a time, and they hated it. It was during school, which is a very stressful place I know, but it doesn’t change that they’re fine with being with others while fronting, but not by themselves.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? I don’t even know if this is uncommon or not but this is a new experience for us, so I just want to make sure stuff is fine, which it should. All of this is new, so I just want to gather info.

EDIT: I forgot to ask about if there could be a way to comfort them whenever they do end up fronting on their own. It doesn’t seem common, but I wish to help them out.

I broke down a little bit… just thinking about everything that’s occurred this past what, month and a half to two months?

Mentally, it’s been a lot for all of us. Everything has been really tiring. But… I think we can start accepting our plurality, instead of just knowing we have it.

I don’t believe any of us care about getting a diagnosis cause like, why does it matter? Yes, it would tell us that everything we believe is true, but we know our experiences. As long as we ourselves are considerate towards others like us, both diagnosed or not, and treat them with the care they deserve, than I don’t believe it matters. I’m also going to try steering away from calling us a system, but just calling us plural cause that is just us. (Also since I don’t know if calling ourselves a system is a little insensitive since we aren’t and don’t care about getting diagnosed)

This is just the next step in our journey, I just know it. And as long as we have each other, I don’t believe we will ever falter. Atleast, I can hope.

So we have this new headmate, right? They first fronted very briefly when we were heavily disassociating, and they brought us to our bed. Can't really remember a whole lot of the specifics, but that's normal. That in itself is fine, this isn't about that.

They've also constantly stayed near the front, just curled up sleeping. That is also not that weird, its probably just resting and finds the front to be the easiest place to rest since they're always someone their? Still not entire sure but its fine.

What's confusing me is when our host learned they were also a headmate. Like, of course they were, but actually learning that can be rather distressing. What happened is that the new headmate walked towards our host and hugged them. But then they just went back to being curled up and continued to rest?

Sorry if this isn't weird, and others may not know since everyone's system and plurality are different from another, I was just curious if others have had that experience.

This is more aimed to kind of rant about what has been happening with me in our system.

I don't know why, but until today, I never realized that I was a headmate. For some reason, I though that since I'm the host, I'm not a headmate and like... what? I'm surprised it took me this long. But it did put me under distress though... even now, I still kind of can't believe it? Not to say I'm superior than my headmates, no way, it's just... hard to accept these things.

It put me into a fairly negative state, putting myself down, disassociating, stuff like that. And looking back upon times, before figuring out we are a system, I could have acted upon this negatively and caused harm to our body. I've done it before, and I could have done it again. But I didn't. In fact, one of my headmates came up to the front and comforted me. We were in a public space, but if we weren't, I would have definitely bawled my eyes out in their arms. Even now i'm still fairly teary eyed, and even now, they're just sleeping near me in our headspace.

But, really... looking back to the past, and I can tell how much pain and difficulties all of us have truly been through. But look at us... We're still standing after everything. I don't know if any of us has truly accepted the fact that we are a system, but thats okay. It takes time, but I know that one day, somewhere in the future... I know we will be able to live the lives we were meant to live. Together.

- Eevee

I just want to hear about how everyone’s days were. Ours were less than ideal realistically, but good stuff did happen. We got ourselves our license, and we might have got ourselves a new headmate. Don’t want to jump to conclusions, but if they are a new headmate, I want to protect this fragile part of us with my life.

I’ve been talking with one of my headmates while scrolling TikTok when something just clicked. I think we all became aware of each other as a form of distraction.

Our host hates distracting themselves in general. She is someone who desperately tries to figure out what is up with themselves (and now us) as quickly as they can, but sometimes they enter this state for too long, and in turn end up just distracting themselves for a long time before trying to look back into what is wrong with them.

When we became aware of each other (I believe) it was to help her out when she had probably the worst mental health of her life, and just broke down one day. I’m afraid that we were made as a form of distraction, and that when she fully heals (which I hope she does), we all are going to disappear? Or just never be able to be like this again.

It sounds selfish, and it really is, but I don’t want to disappear. I want to continue living with her, with everyone. But I also want her to be happy with her life, and if that means that one day I will have to disappear to do so, I’d be fine with that. I’d be scared to go, but I wish our host the best.

I know I should probably be getting more used to the idea of being a headmate in a system, as its been a couple of months (which I know isnt a whole lot of time but its felt like a long time), but it still feels so weird and bizzare... like I share this body with my headmates? It always feel like just remembering that is always going to make me a little scared of that fact.

(and of course you can't forget the dissasociation but lucky I don't deal with that all too much, but it definietly still exist for us...)

- Scizor

I just love being able to front and just sing songs in Japanese in English (I am bullshitting the lyrics) and just making the lyrics about how thankful I am for my system and just hoping I can continue to be with them.

Very cheesy saying it out loud but I really do wish I can stay with them forever :) (even more embarrassing is when after I sing, one of my headmates is just there and ask me if I meant it, like omg dawg why’d you have to come now? But like I’m like yes of course)

- Scizor

We've posted a bunch of times already, but I just realized that we've never actually fully made a proper introduction of ourselves. So that's what this is. An introductory to us.

(NOTE: I AM NOT SURE IF WE HAVE ANYTHING LIKE DID/OSDD/etc... COULD BE WRONG BUT WE ARE STILL LEARNING ABOUT THIS STUFF MORE OURSELVES)

Hello everyone and all. We are The Safari Zone, a system who found out not too long ago (around 2 months) consisting on all of us (5) being Pokemon Fictives. (hence the system name, since the Safari Zone consist entirely of Pokemon)

To be warned, we are still just figuring stuff out since we still are very new to this whole system stuff, so we are definitely going to keep on asking questions here, which will hopefully help us live our lives a little more.

Now onto who each of us actually are, which feels way harder than it should be, but I digress.

\#1: Eevee is who I would call our host, I think? I don't entirely like the idea of roles but that's probably what would fit best.

Eevee is quite an interesting creature in my opinion. She has been around the longest I'm pretty sure, but that also means I believe she had to have been the one who went through our trauma, hence everyone else who follows. Once she started figuring more stuff about herself, the discovery of her being a part of a system starting coming to her realization. She identifies as her source, is Trans (MTF), and does struggle with anxiety and depression, atleast the most out of all of us. She's currently taking a break from fronting, and I hope that when she returns, she'll be better.

\#2: Zorua (Me) is who I would call a protector, but still, I'm not entirely sure, nor do i care about actually getting a lable set.

I don't necessarily know a whole lot about myself in all honesty. I do now know that I probably formed around 2022-2023, probably to help my headmates then with some trauma things? To be honest I don't remember back then very well. I don't think I identify with anything realistically cause like, I'm just me, and thats enough for me. I've been getting angrier though, just at everyone around me though, for good and bad reasons. Wonder whats happening with me.

\#3: I have no clue what Scizor is I'm going to be so honest.

I also don't really know a whole lot about these other headmates of mine but I'll try my best. If I had to assume, Scizor formed around Halloween of last year during a sort of breakdown Eevee was going through. That's really all I know about them, that and the fact they mainly seem to front when it comes to things we like to do. Right now its drawing.

\#4: I still got no clue what Minccino is.

Relatively the same deal with Scizor. They probably formed during the same time, and mainly comes to front in order to help us relax. Some exceptions of course but I just don't think they want to front. I would love to be proven wrong.

\#5: Finally, we have Galarian Ponyta, who I think is a sort of caregiver? I have some stuff but still, relatively new headmate to me.

Okay Ponyta is a very interesting case because we're like 90% confident that they were in dormancy until very recently, and then rose back up. Based on their memories, they seem to have went dormant around 2020, but for why? I'm not sure. They seem nice. Hate being seen as small, loves fronting, thats all I really know.

This has been kind of fun to write this stuff down based on what I know, but it's also making me a little sad that I really do not know a whole lot about my headmates. Like I know about Eevee, but thats because they front the most and the others just don't as much. Makes me a little sad knowing that I might not get to know all of them on a more personal level, but I would love to. I want to protect them for as long as I can, and it feels like I kind of can't if I dont know more stuff about them. Just kind of sucks.

But uh sorry for going on that small tangent, but hey. We're still very new to this whole experience, and I know it takes a whole lot of time. I'm just impatient. Thank you for reading all of this, and I hope you have a good rest of your day.

I’ve given it some thought. People may not know about us being a system, but I don’t care anymore. I know masking has helped us in the past, but this is the now. I’m done masking.

But now comes the hard part. How can I actually start being me out in public? It’s going to be a bit terrifying, as I can’t really recall the last time I’ve properly been me out in public, and I know it’s going to be a while before it feels comfortable, but I want to live better. Masking isn’t helping me as much as it used to, and I want to start being me more often, not just in private.

Also, I know that it can be dangerous, as i don’t know how people could react. But most people wouldn’t comment on it, (I believe) and if they do, then they’re going to face the wrath I’ve been masking. (If it’s safe to, of course. Safety is my utmost care.)

\- Zorua

I’ve given it some thought. People may not know about us being a system, but I don’t care anymore. I know masking has helped us in the past, but this is the now. I’m done masking.

But now comes the hard part. How can I actually start being me out in public? It’s going to be a bit terrifying, as I can’t really recall the last time I’ve properly been me out in public, and I know it’s going to be a while before it feels comfortable, but I want to live better. Masking isn’t helping me as much as it used to, and I want to start being me more often, not just in private.

Also, I know that it can be dangerous, as i don’t know how people could react. But most people wouldn’t comment on it, (I believe) and if they do, then they’re going to face the wrath I’ve been masking. (If it’s safe to, of course. Safety is my utmost care.)

- Zorua

I’m so tired of having to mask everyday just so we can seem normal. I’m so tired of acting like the host all the time. No hate to them, but they are them, and I am me. (I KNOW WE ARE THE SAME, WE LIKE REFERRING TO EACH OTHER AS SEPARATE THINGS)

It all feels so restrictive. Every single things feels so restrictive. I can’t express myself properly. I’m constantly putting on a facade, and it’s causing us exhaustion. Masking takes a lot of energy. And even when we’re alone, it feels like I can’t properly take this mask fully off.

But I know why. Just so we can live and function properly, as we have always masked. I know why, but I’m sick of it, and I just want to learn how to stop.

- Zorua