I feel apathetic when I get really angry.
So I've been in therapy and diagnosed with BPD for over a year now. Though I've been doing decent at managing it, I still have times where something upsets me just enough that all these strong emotions start boiling and overflowing. Like a pot of water.
I already have to work really hard to not hit myself in the face or head when I get really mad or stressed. And I can't physically talk until I'm calmed down enough. But I notice when I get mad at someone else specifically, I get apathetic when I'm trying to manage.
On a smaller scale, I'm just completely disinterested in arguing with anyone about anything. Friends, coworkers, strangers; doesn't matter. It's not worth the energy.
But on a larger scale, if one of my family members pisses me off enough, I get completely apathetic about talking things out or even entertaining resolving the situation. And it's annoying when I think about them giving a huge shit that I don't give a shit, because I don't want them to be worried or even concerned with me at all. I don't want to stay mad at them so that they know I'm mad or whatever, I just hate how bad they made me feel, and decide in my mind I'm not gonna let them make me feel like anything at all ever again.
Then following that scenario, (I maladaptive daydream a LOT) I completely shut down. I start to slowly lose everything in my life I have to work for like my job, getting a degree, eventually my overall health. Because I just don't care about doing them anymore. Not for me. Nearing the end I always just rot somewhere no one knows I'm at until I finally just die.
It's gonna sound pretty fucked up, but when I'm feeling depressed, apathetic, and very upset I get even more pissed off knowing I can't self implode or even self harm if I wanted to. That I HAVE to manage it. That I HAVE to do the productive thing and be better. That I HAVE to keep going at all.
I feel this way every. fucking. time. I don't know why and don't have the time right now to deconstruct it because I started school and have a lot of work to do.
Honestly I just wanna if anyone else has a similar experience... I know it's oddly specific, I'm sorry.