u/JackDaniels180

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I can be calm and suddenly a thought hits me: when I die, or when one of my family members dies, this and this will happen...

and sometimes I ask myself what the point of staying here even is. what does any of it matter.

I’m just another human being. I think that’s partly why I cling so hard to goals, because in a way they feel like an excuse to stay alive and keep going, to feel at least somewhat normal. and my parents too.

I know losing your parents is generally painful for everyone, but in my case I feel like nothing would make sense anymore afterward. like an anchor would just be gone.

I feel like anxiety and other things have stolen so much from me, from having a normal experience of life. I think that’s also why I have these hedonistic tendencies where I find something I like and become attached to it for weeks and weeks. it can happen with people too, like a friend, a potential friend, or a girl I like. it’s like anything that gives me euphoria or enjoyment, I cling to it until I completely drain it and there’s nothing left. and then there’s this point of no return where you don’t want to go back to feeling how you used to feel.

I think it’s hard for anyone to feel normal again after feeling like they were in the clouds, but for me it’s worse because I don’t return to “normal.” I return to the same state as always: just me and my mind constantly active, intrusive thoughts, random existential crises.

it feels like I need constant distraction. if I put down my phone, it gets worse. if I stop using my PC, it gets worse. if I stop drawing, it gets worse. if I stop watching TV, it gets worse. if I stop eating things I enjoy, it gets worse. it’s like I consume myself.

sometimes it’s so draining and frustrating that I panic and wish I could just stop feeling altogether.

I have these personality crises where one moment I feel like the most understanding person in the world, and the next like the least tolerant person alive.

I don’t know what this is. anxiety, panic attacks, madness, whatever. I don’t care what it is anymore. I’m tired of temporary peace just for my mind to become chaos again afterward.

I try to analyze things from so many perspectives that my mind only becomes more tangled.

I don’t know how to live. honestly I’d rather live on autopilot or be dead than keep feeling this much anguish and pain all the time.

maybe this just isn’t for me. maybe I already lived my best emotional or spiritual stage and what’s left is just enduring life however I can.

so many things I want. so many things I think. so many things I feel. every minute, every day, every week, every year.

it’s sad knowing that at one point in my life I saw suicide as something insane, and now I see it as a normal or even logical decision.

feeling too much sometimes feels like hell on earth.