u/JackReaperz

This might be a bit of a weird and inverted post. I'm sorry in advance for my rambling.

Disclaimer, I'm not trying to kill myself or anything destructive but I needed to talk to people who understand. I might catch a lot of flak and I'm sorry if I do. I'm genuinely not trying to belittle anyone here.

I've been kinda depressed for as long as I can remember, but I've always been resisting it for the longest time. When COVID and the lockdown happened, coupled with working night shift + abusive ex gf, I think that kinda broke me.

I was diagnosed with MDD in 2021 and also attempted suicide twice. Survived both, so that's great.

From 2021 to 2022, I was on Anti Depressants and Anti Psychotic. Honestly, I don't think it worked for me, because I got night terrors, a feeling of numbness and generally feeling like the things i want to say got stuck in my throat. That last one might be more psychological, rather than pharmalogical.

I quit meds in 2022 and just tried to go all natural because the meds honestly made me feel worse and I rather just feel the sadness rather than suppress it and feel foreign in my own head, body and feelings. It took a while but after a year of constant walks, reconstructive relationships.... It kinda worked.

I got into a relationship afterwards with someone who was mentally stable and healthy and honestly, I've never been happier and mentally more clear in my life.

But I still find myself getting caught in depressive episodes from time to time. For example, hearing my gf say to me "Depression doesn't feel real to me.", really threw me in a spiral that even I didn't expect to experience.

I felt hurt, disgusted, dismissed, unseen within 5 seconds. I thought in the first 2 seconds it was a comment I could accept, 3 seconds later, it turned to what I just described. I even cried, without any way to control it.

I'll spare the full details but we managed to talk it out. So we're good now.

But that's right there is the thing I want to talk about. I'm good now. But there's a cost to it.

When I was depressed, I was constantly writing, recording, listening to music, singing and pretty much everything artistic. It was my way to feel or express, I guess.

But that also made functioning daily life EXTREMELY difficult. I don't shower, i don't eat, i don't walk. I don't leave my house.

Now, I'm okay. Like legitimately, my last episode was in November, and even then I was noticing the gaps between episodes were getting bigger and bigger.

The only thing I've done differently is to put myself on a consistent regiment of Magnesium Glycinate capsules. One in the morning and one before bed. Doing this, I'm able to stave a lot of the negative voices and feelings.

But the tradeoff...... I don't write anymore. I don't feel inspired or motivated to do art. I don't make videos, take photos... I just don't want to.

And i feel so bad knowing this. I'm writing this because I've been skipping my magnesium routine for 3 days, and I could feel the familiar depressive feelings again. And it makes me want to write, make videos and draw and paint and do everything to express what i feel...

But I also don't wanna do it. I don't wanna move, i don't wanna eat. I don't wanna do anything as well.

No one told me the price of peace would be losing the person I used to know to get me there. I miss him so much. I want to write and make videos and be inspired. I know i sound crazy right now but i really don't know how else to say it and to who.

Because i know the people around me have been blessed enough not to have ever had this problem.

Or is it, just me? Trying to ask for attention again?

Does anyone else feel like this?

I genuinely don't know if I'm grateful for being stable or not, because moments like these make me wonder if its better to have stayed depressed or be better. I mean, honestly, i know logically the answer.

Being depressed is familiar but it doesn't help me. None of you who are reading would wish this on their worst enemy, and so wouldn't I wish it for myself.

I don't know. I really don't know. One thing no one told me as well is that when you're okay and stable, you really don't remember the depressed parts of you ad much or as visceral. But now I'm here again, yeah... Its familiar but damn. I know it just leads to dead ends if i let it.

What do you all have to say? Is this common enough or am i just insane?