u/JackfruitEvening9849

My mom (70+, stage 4 cancer) lives in South America and owns property, but refuses to sell/rent anything or take free chemo treatment. She may soon need increasing care.

The complicated part: we’ve basically been estranged for over a decade. She ignored me for years, still ignores my messages now, accuses me of random things (a missing $3k from her bank account with no proof), and didn’t even want to meet my kids the last time we saw each other.

Meanwhile, she still has a close relationship with my younger sister, her husband, and their kids. They visit each other, stay at each other’s places, and my mom mostly communicates with me through my sister now.

My sister seems to feel emotionally obligated to help with medical expenses, and now keeps asking me to “meet halfway” and contribute too.

The weird part is I feel like I’m being asked to financially support someone who:

• chose not to have a relationship with me or my family
• still won’t communicate directly
• refuses to use her own assets
• communicates mostly through guilt/pressure

I do feel bad for her health situation, and called my mother twice and discuss the available treatment options and my willingness to give help at her place, which she later refused. Now she’s back to not replying to my messages.

So now I feel conflicted. On one hand she’s seriously ill, but on the other hand I feel like I’m being financially pulled into supporting someone who chose not to have a relationship with me or my family for years.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to get financially pulled into this through my sister?

I’m in a difficult situation with my mother and would really appreciate some outside perspective.

My mother (70+, advanced stage 4 cancer) lives in South America. She owns a townhouse in an affluent area in the capital city and land in the countryside of another city, but says the land isn’t worth much and refuses to sell anything. She also refuses free chemo treatment and may need a caregiver soon as her condition deteriorates ($500–600/month).

I live in Asia with 2 kids and have been planning relocating to NYC to continue building a business and still financially unstable. My sister is in NYC too, but struggling financially (3 kids, unstable household, limited income).

Context: my mother and I have had a very strained relationship for years. She didn’t speak to me for over a decade and often brings up past issues, makes accusations, and withholds communication unless I meet certain expectations. Right now she’s not responding to me, and is accusing me of taking $3k from an old bank account (no proof). She also says she doesn’t plan to leave any assets to us.

My sister wants us to split caregiver costs ($250–300 each/month), but that’s a big stretch for me given my current situation. I already spent over $10k in the past helping my sister with the understanding I’d be paid back (never happened).

I do feel bad about my mother’s health and want to help, but:

- She refuses to use her own assets

- She’s not communicating with me

- There’s ongoing emotional pressure and accusations

- I have my own kids and current financial instability

How would you approach this?

Would you contribute financially in this situation—and if so, how much / under what conditions?