My boyfriend (31M) says long distance is hard because of his high libido and I (33M) am lost. How do I decide whether relocating for this relationship is a mistake?
I’m in Brisbane Australia and have been considering moving to Melbourne even before meeting this guy because housing is cheaper there, so this relationship wasn’t the only reason for the move. That said, I currently have a very good permanent job in Brisbane with a stable future and a few pay rises coming up, so moving would still mean giving up something significant.
We matched on a dating app in February this year. He was very upfront from the beginning that he was looking for a genuine connection/serious relationship, and when we matched, he told me he may move for the right person, even though he’s based in Melbourne. So this wasn’t framed as something casual from the start.
I recently sent him a breakup message because I’m really struggling with long distance and my insecurity is driving me insane. We ended up talking things through for hours and got back together, but the issues are still very much there.
The main issue is that he says he has a very high libido and that long distance is extremely hard for him because he has no physical intimacy. He has also told me there are gay people on Instagram messaging him for sex. He follows around 2000 people and says he hasn’t met 95% of them apparently they randomly added each other through mutual suggestions, etc.
What really upsets me is that I’m here trying to figure out how to potentially uproot my entire life, leave a stable permanent job with future pay progression, and move to Melbourne to make this work, and meanwhile his biggest concern seems to be how sexually difficult this is for him. I told him if he’s that sexually frustrated, why can’t he just use his hands instead of talking about meeting other people? He said using his hands “does nothing” for him. He also said his ex “did something crazy” that made him desensitised, so now he feels he has to physically be with someone.
To be fair, he has been open with me. He said he would never do anything behind my back and could easily have done something without telling me, but he cares about me too much to do that. During our 4-hour conversation the other night, he was trying to convince me to consider an open relationship until I move to Melbourne, saying this is very common in the gay community. He assured me that if he were to sleep with other men, it would purely be to meet his physical needs and that he would never develop any emotional connection with them because he only wants to be with me and sees a future with me.
I told him I’m not okay with that. I care about him too much, and knowing he would be having sex with other people would honestly make me feel sick. I’m also still pretty new to this, as I previously dated women, so I’m trying to understand things, but I know this is not something I can emotionally handle. I made it very clear that if he has sex with someone else, the relationship is over.
I suggested he see a sexologist or psychologist who specialises in sexual health/relationships because this seems bigger than just “missing sex.” He refused, saying he already knows what they’d tell him and admits deep down that this whole situation is messed up.
Another huge complication is that he’s not out to his parents, and they’re close. He sees them multiple times a week for dinner. Even him visiting me in Brisbane in March apparently already looked suspicious to them. Every time I visit him, he has to explain things to them because he normally spends Sundays with them. I’ve visited him twice, and his parents apparently freaked out and interrogated him about who I was. He has told me that his mum has made it clear she would cut him off if he came out as gay.
He also told me he was going to marry his ex, but ultimately ended that relationship because he couldn’t come out to his family. I asked him what makes this relationship different.
What confuses me even more is that although he says he’s “not out,” he openly used dating apps, had his face on Grindr, and said most of his friends are gay. That’s where my insecurities are coming from as those people he dated have been messaging him, but he told them that he’s seeing me at the moment.
The scariest part for me is knowing that he was apparently going to marry his ex, but ended things because he couldn’t come out to his parents. I’m scared I could uproot my whole life, leave everything I have in Brisbane, move to Melbourne for him, and then eventually the same thing happens to me because he’s still too scared to tell his parents. That feels like a massive emotional and practical risk.
Now that I look back, when we matched, he told me he may move for the right person. But given his family situation, I honestly do not think that was ever realistic.
I honestly don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if these are glaring red flags I’m trying to rationalise away because I care about him.