u/Jacksonohno

What is wrong with me? I feel so broken. I feel like a teenager. I’m 26, and have fully relapsed after 4 years of being clean. I am having such a hard time being alone and I’m alone right now. My roommate left, and unfortunately I’ve been using him like a baby sitter. .
I’ve been thinking about self harming all day. And now I’m here. Alone.
I can’t bother people in my life with this and my house feels disgusting. I’m falling behind on responsibilities, and it’s been hard to wake up, or to sleep. I work a highly physical job, and work helps so much, but I’m also surrounded by things to hurt myself with.. I’m fixating badly. And it’s never enough. It’s not enough. I never feel like the wounds are not right, I feel like they are superficial and I also hate them. I think they look disgusting.
And I fixate on them, and feel guilty as well.
I don’t know what the hell, my partner IS going to find out. I feel so. Disgusting

Fuck man.

I wanted somewhere to talk it out. I’m not in therapy, and can’t really get help right now.

I’ve been struggling with self harm since I was 12, and I’d been doing pretty good.

I had gotten pretty depressed a couple times throughout the years and I didn’t turn to self harm.
But for some reason, today, I did.

Over the last few months, I met someone who makes me pretty happy, my job is somewhat simple, I touch grass, and I have close friends. Despite all of this, mental state still declined. I am highly functional during these states, and I feel like I have been bullshitting this new person I’m with too. Like I’m too mentally sick, and I don’t provide enough to anyone. I feel worthless in this way, and genuinely feel they would be better off with someone healthier.
And I have these days where I’m just so numb. Numb to it all, numb to even things I’m typically excited about.
I plan to do it again, unfortunately. The almost immediate mental relief I felt was undeniable. I felt normal for a couple hours. And then felt angry, that the wounds I made did not have enough “result”.

Reading from you guys has helped, and I’m so sorry that you’re going through this…

I hope I can get help, but I must love rolling in my own shit, because I almost don’t even want it.

He doesn’t know I can’t read.