Hi. Sorry in advance if some of this doesn’t make sense. I just wanted to get this off my chest and it kinda came off as word vomit.
To give context: during quarantine I presented femme. I grew my hair out really long, I started wearing makeup, I wore outfits that actually made me feel pretty. I was happy and I started making plans to come out to my friends and my family. I even picked out the name I wanted to go by: Taylor.
But that didn’t amount to anything. Before I ever got the chance to come out my genes decided to fuck me. My hair started falling out, and on top of that I realized that practically no one would accept me (I went to a private christian school in the middle Bible Belt America). I felt like I was suffocating, so I basically put myself as far back into the closet as I could. I ignored the things I was feeling and just decided to fit in. I started lifting, playing football, and I coasted through high school like I was on autopilot. I tried to convince myself that wishing you were a girl was something all men felt. When that didn’t work I tried convincing myself that maybe I was just a pervert that liked cross dressing. Any reality would’ve been better than the fact that I’m a girl and I’m trapped in a body that I hate.
I never got over those feelings. I’m the exact opposite of the girl I want to be. I don’t feel disgusted by my body anymore. I just feel disappointed. I never got to be anyone’s girlfriend, I never got to be called by my name, I never got to feel pretty in a dress, I never got to get good at makeup. I hate that these feelings are never gonna go away. Because it would be so much easier if they would just go away.
When I look into a mirror it’s how I imagine a werewolf would feel seeing itself during a full moon. Like I expect something familiar and then I’m met with this. I don’t think I can do anything now, but here I am on reddit of all places.
Now I’m 21 and in college. I’m bald, I have a beard, I’m six foot tall, and I am 250 lbs of muscle. I’ve accepted the fact that I am feeling gender dysphoria, and I know transitioning would make me happier. But I realistically would never pass. And I would lose a good amount of people in my life.
I feel like I’m at a crossroads and I don’t know what to do. Do I try to transition? Am I cooked?
Sorry for the yap sesh