Infertility Diagnosis Has Me Wavering
I’m a 37-year-old, and have been a fence sitter my entire life.
3 years ago, I went to an initial consultation for embryo freezing. My work benefits cover fertility preservation. What the doctor said really stuck with me. You have been with your partner for years. If not now, when? What would change in a few years from that would make you want to use the embryos? If you want to have kids eventually, why freeze embryos when your fertility is excellent now and you are in a stable relationship?
I decided to not freeze. I could not see myself as a mother now or in a few years. I also assumed I had many years of natural fertility ahead if we decided later to be parents.
Fast forward to today. After a bout of health problems, I was recently diagnosed with a (noncancerous) tumor and ovulation dysfunction. I have a ton of follicles still but my hormones are too out of whack to ovulate. If I ever decide to conceive, it will be with the help of science.
So this time it was a different conversation at the fertility clinic. If I ever want to have kids, I likely cannot conceive naturally. And if I want to have kids eventually, I should freeze embryos now. So now I am back to the same questions, do I want to be a mother?
At 34, it was a no. At 37, it is a maybe.
I cannot imagine myself pregnant or with an infant. But I could see us having a lovely and fulfilling life once the child is elementary school aged and older. I also love our childfree life now and would continue loving it in the future. (I also wonder if getting back on the fence is a grief reaction to my brain tumor and a parent’s recent terminal disease diagnosis. Currently in therapy.)
How do I get off of the fence? If I put my body through the taxing embryo freezing process, I want it to be a hell yes. If I don’t freeze embryos, or do IUI or the like, it becomes a hell no by default.
My partner is a fence sitter, but leans towards yes. But he’s always respected my decision that I do not want children. However, he would be happy to be a father if I changed my mind. I’m looking for advice from the hive mind on how to decide something so consequential. How do I make this decision?