AITAH for not wanting my 4YO son to share a bed with his dad's GF?
OKAY.
You're in for a lot of bullsh\*t that I'll try to condense as much as possible.
I (30F) and my son's dad (33M), share a 4 year old boy.
To give you a few points:
•Dad never wanted kids and asked for an abortion, was emotionally volatile and abusive my whole pregnancy and up until our son was 3. I always wanted this boy.
•Only at 3 years old did Dad finally say he had bonded with our son and enjoyed "hanging out with him".
My relationship with Dad ended after I broke it off - it was toxic and volatile and every argument we had, he would look at me dead in the eyes and say, "well I really don't want to be with you, but I guess it's more convenient so we can stay." I finally had the courage to end it after 4.5 years.
We separated living situations 9 months ago, and it's been hell ever since. To spare too many details, he started dating a long distance coworker (who is still married but "separated but in the same house" in a different state, and has her own two children around my son's age.
Ever since he started dating her - he became the biggest what I think to be, asshole.
He started locking himself in his bedroom while we were living together. He stopped playing with our then 3 year old son. He stopped taking care of anything that didn't have to do with himself. He works from home so his routine regularly consisted of waking up to walk to his desk in his room, work, FaceTime her, and the only times I'd see him was preparing a quick meal or running to and from the bathroom. I was single parenting in the same house.
He moved out, became extremely resentful towards me (unresolved from having a baby in the first place), and has been lashing out at me and has made vindictive decisions ever since.
To give you an idea of how bad it gets, he's screamed at me over the phone in front of our son, telling me I'm the worst person ever, he hates that he has to deal with me, I'm the worst regret he's ever had (add in about six F-bombs in between those words), etc.
He's honestly a decent father, but a terrible single parent.
He's forgotten things as simple as finishing our son's homework, all the way up to missing dance recitals and ignoring when our son was in the ER on Valentine's Day.
To make it painfully clear - when he's with his girlfriend, he is completely MIA and decides to not parent. At all.
So I've had to do a lot of grunt work, miss out on a lot, buckle down and work a lot more (12 hour shifts frequently), and you know, just... be a single mom in California.
All of that context in mind, we are a stalemate and I want to know, AITA?
He's been trying to force a meeting of his now two year long distance girlfriend on our son - which I do agree they could meet. But my problem is, he's trying to plan a whole "play house & vacation" when our son hasn't even met this woman... ever.
Dad originally reached out to me a little over a month ago and said his GF was coming out May 20-23, and if I could ask my grandma to babysit our son because I'm working 4 twelve's.
I told him no, my grandparents are in Hawaii for the whole month.
I then gave him options: find his own paid childcare, drop off our son and pick him up in the mornings and evenings so he could stay the night at my house with me, or he could ask his own family to watch Oliver for one night and I even offered to pick him up from his parents (an hour away).
Dad basically responded with: "no. It's your problem that you don't want our son spending the night here, so you figure it out."
Of COURSE I have a problem with our four year old son staying the night with this stranger girlfriend in a one bedroom apartment where Dad is in his single bed, and our son is on his mattress on the floor right next to him!!
Dad swears up and down his girlfriend will take the couch, I still think it's inappropriate to happen on the first meeting AND honestly, I don't believe him one bit.
I'm so tired. He keeps telling me I'm unstable for the work schedule I have, I'm the piece of shit, I'm overall... the asshole.
AITA??