I’m pregnant and keep seeing posts about “rules for meeting baby,” but I feel like my situation is on a completely different level and I don’t know how to handle it.
My in-laws are not just messy or “a little dirty.” It’s genuinely unhygienic to a point that makes me really anxious thinking about a newborn around them.
They don’t shower regularly—like weeks at a time. No teeth brushing. Long, dirty nails. Their house is a hoarder situation, and they literally have chickens living inside the house. There’s dirt, animal waste, clutter everywhere. It’s not somewhere I even feel comfortable being, let alone bringing a baby into.
On top of that, my FIL is a heavy chain smoker. Constantly. And he refuses vaccines completely (his logic is that he had covid once so he’s “basically vaccinated”). MIL has had a couple but doesn’t take any of it seriously.
I do want them to meet their grandchild. I’m not trying to cut them out. But I also feel like I’d be failing my baby if I just ignore all of this.
My husband agrees with my concerns. This isn’t just me being over the top. But he also really struggles with how to handle his parents because of his past with them and their relationship. It’s hard for him to bring things up or push back, even when he knows it’s reasonable.
The problem is they are extremely set in their ways. These aren’t people you can sit down with and expect a calm, productive conversation where they actually change.
So I’m stuck.
Is it unreasonable to require things like:
showering and clean clothes before seeing the baby
-trimmed/clean nails
-no smoking before visits
-meeting only in a neutral place or outside
And what happens if they just… don’t do it?
Also, how would you even bring this up? And when? Before the baby is born? After? I don’t want to blindside them, but I also don’t know how to have this conversation without it turning into a mess.
Has anyone dealt with family that won’t meet even basic hygiene expectations? How did you handle it without it becoming a full fallout?
I feel stuck between wanting to do the right thing for my baby and not completely blowing up the relationship, but I’m honestly at the point where my baby’s health has to come first, even if it causes issues