Years and years and forever
It’s getting bad. It’s been 5 years and I’m a woman now and I’m 18. I look fucking crazy bursting out laughing doing the dishes at work, walking around in circles smiling to myself at the drive through window where people can see, waiting for their food to be ready. But I feel like I need this. Every time I try to snap back to reality which I feel like I never am unless I am in panic. Like the car accident I got into when I stopped the train that is my medication. I was thinking quickly about if anyone was hurt or if I am going to jail for not having a license at the time. If my dad was going to be mad I crashed the car I wasn’t even supposed to be driving. Then immediately after I’m role playing in my head living in prison. I reached out to the suicide hotline due to this because I hated this habit. I was 13 at the time. She told me about maladaptive daydreaming and recommended this subreddit as a sense of community and to not feel alone. I hated it so bad then I just wanted to be in the present. I feel like if I were doing drugs not because I loved it, but to just feel normal because I’ve been doing this for so long. I’m scared if I even get treatment for this it’ll open a window for more terrible/worse problems and I will go into psychosis again or make the millionth attempt on my life. I’m so tired. Today is a bad day. Google said I’m just trying to cope. Even as I am typing this I’ve been imagining myself talking to a therapist about everything I’m saying. I am not present fully, at all.