Question about reasonable expectations and where to draw the line…
I was asked to be the MOH in my friend’s wedding. I was genuinely excited to celebrate her and I accepted the role. For context, I am a woman in my 30s with two small children. We live in different states. We met in university and have been friends for close to 12 years.
When she first asked me to be her MOH, she sent me a long list of “responsibilities” and what the role entailed. Everything from set up/clean up of the venue to the bachelorette party, etc. I thought it was a little much but figured that she was just excited and I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
Things began to take a life of their own. 3 people who were asked to be in the bridal party have pretty much bowed out. It’s only me and her sister left. I won’t get into the details there but it was a long drawn out exhausting couple months of back and fourth and not getting anywhere. She has expressed disappointment and frustration which I can understand, but I also don’t feel like she has really come to terms with it or accepted her role in this.
Now the bachelorette party has been a massive headache. Since everyone dropped off, she decided to insert her fiance and have him join the group. She mentioned that she wanted her fiance to participate from the very beginning. However the extent was not clear. I assumed because we are flying up to her and they’re local that he would join us for activities or a meal and then go back to their apartment to sleep. This wasn’t until a few weeks ago, when I suggested we save money and stay in one room with our small group of just girls (me and her sister). She reacted poorly to that suggestion and said it wasn’t fair to him and it wasn’t fair to her and she didn’t want to leave him out. I read it as how dare I suggest that he go back to the apartment instead of staying over with the group. This was the first time that I understood he was sleeping over with us during the bachelorette party. Now it’s me, the bride, her fiance and her sister (18).
It’s put a ton of financial and emotional pressure on me. I have no “group” to pool anything from so I have been covering many of the expenses myself. On top of that, both myself and my husband do not feel comfortable with me staying in a shared accommodation with a man. I personally want privacy and I want to be able to decompress at the end of the day. The bride has not seemed to consider that anyone (which is really just me) might be uncomfortable with this arrangement because it’s her day.
I oscillated between saying something or not but was discouraged after she initially reacted poorly to the first suggestion. On one hand I don’t want to make it about me, but on the other I wanted to be an adult and have a conversation. It felt so awkward and when it eventually came out, it totally blew up. She told me I should’ve mentioned that. I told her that the group dynamic had changed so many times and at one point we were considering hotel rooms so I didn’t want to make it an issue to add stress before it actually became one. I was ok with spending more money on a hotel room for the sake of my own space and privacy. The bride, her fiance and her sister landed on an Airbnb for budgeting reasons instead of getting two hotel rooms. I know it’s not about me but I’m not sure why we couldn’t have a girls weekend? I’m not sure why she couldn’t just share one hotel room with her sister and/or me instead of needing 2 rooms to add the fiance and thus being out of her budget. It doesn’t even feel like a bachelorette party at this point. It feels more like a dysfunctional family trip plus me. I have already committed and made the travel plans, but things have changed so much that I’m second guessing myself. But I also feel terribly guilty about bailing on her like this. It also feels awkward because it’s such a small/intimate group. Some activities are literally just the bride, her fiance and me. When we eventually talked about it, she told me she had cried for days and I felt horrible. That everyone dropped off.
To make matters worse, since then, our friendship has been impacted by this. I feel like her demeanor has changed toward me. I know she’s stressed but I can’t help but feel like she will conveniently drop me as a friend after spending a year of aggravation and 5-8k on her wedding and associated expenses from start to end. I don’t even know if she likes me anymore. It feels like she is just tolerating me. I have nervous energy and I keep thinking if I just do one more think for her it might salvage our friendship. I don’t want to drop her in the middle of such a vulnerable time but I also feel like I’m being treated as an annoyance instead of the one friend actually traveling and showing up for her.
She has severe anxiety and has been “stepping back” multiple times throughout this process. In doing so, she has her fiance communicate to me as her proxy. This is also something weird. I don’t know him and I’ve never met him. I constantly oscillate between communication and wanting to have a conversation with her but also not wanting to add stress to her life and send her off the edge. My own mental health and anxiety has been suffering because of this. I’m not sure it’s so much the wedding festivities but rather the potential loss of this friendship that I have treasured for so long and the demarcation of time. I have been waking up in the middle of the night thinking about her and this situation. I feel disengaged from my own kids and distracted and just overall anxious like the shoe will drop at any given moment. I don’t even know how to address this with her even though I feel like I should. I wonder if we are different or growing apart. A bachelorette party should be celebratory, and joyous and light hearted but instead feels intense, weird and stressful.
For context, I eloped. I never had a wedding or any of these festivities. I also never had a baby shower. I do not feel any strong urge to reciprocate because for some people I know this is something they consider based on history.
Ultimately, although I have agreed to a lot of it I don’t know where to draw the line. I’m not sure how or when to say something and when to let it go. I don’t know if her expectations are reasonable but I feel like she has been distant toward me. It’s a lot to expect people to fly across the country not only once for the wedding but twice, arranging childcare, etc.
other friends have told me that it’s simply WILD that someone else’s wedding and events have caused me so much stress and I should just bow out.
Can some please give me some insight?