u/Jaded_Subject_

As a broke student the absolute joy I had when I first discovered Z Library hasn't faded- just being able to scroll through endless titles with everything I want to know about my niche hobbies and can't find without a paywall on the internet makes my heart sing. I feel like I have a special secret key to all knowledge, how I'm sure the internet used to feel before the oligarchical tech companies and AI slop. Just thank you thank you thank you for existing, we must protect this tool!

I left the country to get sober, I was still shooting IM 2 days before I left. It's been almost 7 months now and I go back home in 2 days. I had gotten sober for a month a few times before I left and relapsed every time. I realised that the threshold for my willpower and the point where I actually started to feel the benefits of sobriety were so misaligned that it would never work unless I physically removed myself. I was originally planning to be gone for about 4 1/2 months but I'm so glad I extended because if I'd come home around month 4-5 I would have immediately relapsed. I was doing so bad mentally and had started toying with abusing sleeping medication and drinking again (former alcoholic) which thankfully didn't last more than maybe 2ish weeks. That was the hardest time so far. I've heard that around month 3 is the highest risk for relapse because you start to get impatient with the fact you're not feeling better yet and fail to see the point, so it makes sense.

Coming up on month 7 and I feel clearer, more in control of my emotions, more able to deal with overstimulation, which was one of my main triggers as an autistic person (ket = quiet). I'm anxious to go home though. I don't know how I'll react. I hope well, I hope I have better coping mechanisms now, but I keep getting this 'just once' like I'm 'just checking' thought. It'll be harder when I have the actual choice. There's a lot of pressure on me to continue being the better version of myself that I have become, and pressure always sabotaged my sobriety in the past. It always felt like at least if I fuck up I'm not walking on eggshells anymore trying not to. I don't want all these months of travel to have been a 'waste'. The thought of trying to stay strong for the people around me always works counter intuitively for me. I feel the need to rebel to clutch at a sense of autonomy. When I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do I want to crawl out of my skin.

A large aspect of the appeal of abusing drugs for me was the fact that absolutely no one wanted me to do it and therefore it was the only thing that was just for me. It's immature I know, I know- I'm coming more and more to realise how much starting to shoot ket at 16 has stunted my brain development. I spent so long wrapped up in my own addictions that I never had the bandwidth to develop consideration. Now I'm coming to and realising everything I put my poor mother through, seeing me unresponsive on the stairs, seeing me almost die in hospital from sepsis more than once. And my partner too, although she put me through my fair share, for the last year of the addiction she was just being dragged along for the ride.

Sobriety feels like fear of the void. I don't know it. There seem to be so many indeterminates. Addiction is a constant. I remember being on the bus to pick up one day deep in the cycle just spending all the money I had on it and thinking 'this is it' and feeling content with that. When you're sober it's not enough to just be sober after a while. You have to start doing shit. What if I'd rather just get high and not think about any of that?

Anyway. There'll be no needles left at home when I return without a chemist walk of shame. There'll hopefully be enough steps involved with getting everything I need including the journey to the dealer that I'll have time to turn back. I'm keeping myself as busy as I can. I don't miss living that way but fuck if I don't miss watching TV in a k hole (have to remember that by the end I couldn't k hole and would just black out).

Had to get that out of my spiralling brain hahah