Depressed but don’t want to die anymore.
I am in a weird space that I will try my best to describe. Since I have been reading so many posts on here regarding depression and suicidal ideations, it’s made my heart so heavy. It sucks so many are carrying this kind of weight. These are some extremely hard times we are living in…. I’ve been depressed since I was 10 years old. I can pinpoint the exact moment my brain shifted into this sort of never ending sadness. I wasn’t always this way, I wouldn’t say I was the happiest child but it wasn’t always this bad. But I was born into it. Both of my parents are mentally ill in their own ways. My mom told me she was severely depressed when she was pregnant with me and I kinda started to resent her for going ahead and giving birth to me knowing she was so unhappy. Mothers pass on those emotions while the baby is developing. Anyway… Ive been unemployed since 2021. I found my big brother dead in his room May 26, 2021. My hero. Just gone. He had a heart attack in his sleep. He was only 30. But all 2020 I felt like I just wanted to die. My spirit just couldn’t handle dead end jobs anymore. I was crying every day on my way to work. I was 25 at the time. He was so supportive of me through it all. But now…. I am so isolated because of my financial situation. I don’t feel worthy enough to be around people anymore. I also feel like everyone is a little stupid and that adds to my depression lol I can’t handle the ignorance of this world so I love my solitude but I’m struggling so bad. I have no help really and I hate feeling like a burden. I’ve applied to so many jobs between 2022 and now and I’ve got nothing. Imagine that man. And I’m overly experienced. I do believe in God but idk. I don’t know how God works forreal and that’s annoying so sometimes I just don’t pray. But I still have a glimmer of hope for whatever reason. I’ve been seeing people say how they’ve been in my position and life turned around for them and this morning I felt this burst of…something idk I guess it’s energy… in my heart and I was like “you know? I actually don’t want to die. I just want my life to be better” like I would genuinely be happy if I had money. It’s hard trying to make it thru every day not knowing what’s next or what to do. I genuinely have no idea what to do. I’m currently in school and I’m expected to graduate this Fall and I should be excited about that but I’m not. Depression has made me minimize huge moments. But I also don’t care about degrees and material or societal expectations of success. I just want to be happy. And I’m scared me being depressed will take over one day despite me wanting to stay here. So many people have lived longer than me fighting with this disease and have taken themselves out and that’s scary to me. Nothing scares me but that. It’s actually a new fear. So idk. Sometimes I wish Jesus coming back was actually a real thing lol cause I don’t believe in that but it would be so convenient if there really was a Sky Daddy and Mama to come save the world.