Long story so I apologize.
My partner of 7 years left me for her guy friend 4 days after breaking up with me. Yeah, it sucks. She’s a true INFJ. I know this for a fact. I am very much into psychology and used the Myers-Briggs to understand people better and emotions better. We had an LDR that was coming to an end as we graduated college. Apartment picked, both had jobs in the city, her giving hints at a wedding ring, etc. I thought we had a very healthy relationship: deep conversation, emotional back and forth, quality time, even over the phone. The last 3 weeks, between both of our finals in college, I had extra work in my internship LDR just finally got really hard even at the finish line after waiting 3 1/2 years, and she had a great deal of stressors hit: moving away from all her friends and family, her parents’ marriage issues, grandmothers passing, and lots of external stress. She said I wasn’t emotionally available, I wasn’t there for her, etc. But yeah, I guess towards the end, she felt I was distant. At the same time, I really didn’t feel like our troubles were months long. Apparently, what he does that I don’t is “guides her emotions.” They also understand they can’t be together after graduation because they are moving 10 hours apart in 70 days. So they are calling it a situation-ship I guess. Whatever not what I’m here for. From my understanding, when INFJs break up, it’s usually a door slam after multiple chances, becoming completely emotionally detached. A sense of total indifference. That’s what it felt like for the first 30 days of no contact. And when she was breaking up with me. Just done. Cold indifference because of fundamental issues about me and she said it’s been like this for months for her. I feel bad I didn’t know she felt this way but accepted that she just doesn’t love me anymore. I started my grieving process, started healing and moving on. But after 30 that’s when things got weird…
On day 31 of no contact, she texted my mom first:
“Hey, I wasn’t sure if I should reach out at all but I wanted to check in. No worries if you don’t answer, I just wanted to apologize for how abrupt this has been for you guys and Jake. I really hope all of you guys are doing well. I know that it’s been hard especially cause I didn’t talk about my issues and I let them fester and I needed to talk about them and that’s going to be a mistake I carry for a while but I really hope Jake’s doing good. How are and you and pete (my dad) doing? How’s moving to the new place coming along too? Again, if you don’t want to talk to me, I totally understand. Sorry to bother you”
This doesn’t feel like indifference. A INFJ who door slammed wouldn’t reach out to a EX’s mother to apologize and make a mistake? That’s break a permanent boundary that would be set by a door slam? This wasn’t the last message.
Day 40 of no contact she texted me:
“Hey Jake, I was going to text you before your graduation too but I also didn’t want to get in your head at all. My mom has been keeping me updated about you and I hope you had fun on vacation and got good use out of the plane ticket. I got white rose queen and had a lot of fun with my friends that week, especially all of the older graduates. For senior design, I got 2nd out of 21 teams so that’s huge too (especially for the GPA). I’d like to hear about your updates too if you wanted. But overall, life is going good and I’m excited to move out into a nice apartment, going to miss my view though. Sorry I’m kind of rambling and no pressure to answer at all, I hope all is going better and I know it’s going to keep getting better and I hope work is going good and it’s exciting to actually have a full time job that you worked hard to get. If you don’t answer, thanks again for everything”
It’s all so confusing for me.
I haven’t responded yet. I don’t know if I will. I know we have A LOT to unpack here beyond personality types . Trust me, I’ve looked at this whole situation through many different lenses trying to understand. Let’s just focus on personality types. I just want to understand better. I’m an ENTJ, so surprise, I really do struggle with understanding others emotions. Before you ask, I KNOW she’s an INFJ. If you knew her, you would agree. Intense empathy, weirdly psychic sometimes, DEEP intuition, quiet visionary nature, people pleaser, social chameleon. I always felt like she was wearing a mask around other people. It would almost scare me how much she changed per person she talked with. She was raised with, and instilled with, perfectionism from her parents to the highest degree. Creative, big emotions, very stubborn, or more like refusing to compromise sometimes. She always felt like the outsider at family functions and parties while getting overwhelmed by new environments and people, almost like she was analyzing every little thing only in her mind, but that’s why I loved her. She also hates mundane tasks like vacuuming and laundry 😂😂😭.
I’ve never seen this side of her. INFJs, could you help me understand, maybe decode these messages? For me, it seems like humble bragging or like catching up with an old friend, which is so weird considering how badly she hurt me and our history. Maybe you guys see it differently, so that’s why I’m here before I cast judgment. Help me understand, guys. Sorry again for the trauma dump.
Thanks for anyone who reads this essay. I appreciate you. ❤️