r/infj

Pardon the simple question. I just really wanna talk to you guys.

Hobbies, interests... and such. (Long read, you don't have to read it.)

I read but not much, just topics that interest me. I read romance, fantasy, and mystery novels for fiction. (I'm mostly fond of Sherlock Holmes). I read self-improvement books for non-fiction. (My favorite is the book The Courage to be Disliked).

I write but mostly journals, diaries, and poems. I just love writing down my unending thoughts.

I love love love cooking. I cook for my sister every evening. There's just a sense of contentment and happiness inside me when I cook, especially when it turns out delicious, and the people who ate it are very satisfied and happy.

I also love singing, even though I don't sing well. My voice has a low pitch and I can't reach high notes. So, I especially like singing Laufey, Lana Del Ray, The Carpenters, Allison Young (PMJ), and some Haley Reinhart (PMJ) songs. Or any low-range songs.

I love listening to music. I can travel for 7 hours on a bus with a nature landscape and have the music on my earphones, and I would never sleep all throughout the ride. I'd enjoy every bit of the songs and thoughts until I arrive at my destination.

I love the nature. But I'm also scared of nature. I'm scared of the night, even though I like the stars and the moon. I like trees, I love climbing trees, but I'm afraid of lizards, so I just admire from afar.

History interests me. Just the specific parts of, though, this is still new to me. But I can deep dive into a particular topic for hours, all through googling, reading articles, watching videos, and reading texts.

I like watching anime, reading manhwas, and playing games. Anime, I don't have time for it now, but I am a geek for just some of it. I still read Manhwas from time to time, transmigration and reincarnation stories will never cease to keep me hooked, no matter how repetitive it tends to be. I only play mobile games, and I end up uninstalling them after, to stop myself from getting to addicted.

There are hobbies that interest me, but I have no way of learning or being near them, such as ice skating, pottery, team sports games, sewing, and traditional dancing. Once I have my own money, time and resources, I hope I can finally be able to access them in the future.

That's all so far. There's more but that's all I can think of right now.

What's yours?

One of the strangest patterns of being an INFJ is how many people think they know me deeply when, in reality, the connection was mostly one way.

Same thing has happened to other INFJs that I know and it’s a clear pattern here online.

I can deeply understand them, actively listen in a way they rarely experience. I’ll remember small details and I’ll actually legitimately care bc I like learning about people.

They feel heard and understood because, well? They are!

Because I understand them so deeply, they assumed they know me too.

But a lot of the time… they don’t know a damn thing about me.

I’ll try to open up but if I’m not heard when I speak time and time again, I shut down. Don’t have energy for that.

That’s the weird asymmetry.

Someone can walk away from a friendship thinking, “That person knew me better than almost anyone.”

And I can walk away thinking, “You literally have no idea who I am wtf.”

I think that’s why some people can feel incredibly attached to INFJs long after we’ve emotionally left the relationship.

To them, they lost someone who understood them.

To us, sometimes we finally stopped participating in a relationship where we were constantly understanding someone else without ever feeling truly understood ourselves.

I’ve ’door slammed’ people because of this pattern and now I am way more picky with who gets to be in my inner circle. It’s crazy there’s people from 5 years ago that are still trying to reconnect and it shows how one way it was bc there’s a reason I’m done with them but they still want my energy even after all these years.

Ts is exhausting. I know it’s on me ultimately and I understand very few people are active listeners but it still hurts

Specifically infj's we have our character flaws. Typically boundaries, Messiah complex, typical door slamming, inellectualizing emotions, being enigmatic yet never expressing yourself, being too ideal which ties in with messiah complex, being too in your head, the worst of them all even I've done it hidden resentment.

Which is yours? How many of you are going to go "i feel seen 😭" How many of you can be honest with yourselves to admit some of these?

I finally told my infj friend that I’ve had feelings for her for a while. It was an extremely gentle, respectful conversation. She said she is currently happy being single and doesnt have fuel in her tank to date anyone; I said I have known that (she had talked about it before) and that I wasnt trying to convince her to change her mind. I said I was telling her just to be honest about my feelings, coz it was starting to feel wrong to hide them. We apologised to one another several times during that conversation - me if i made her feel awkward or weird and her coz it must have been disappointing for me to hear.

She handled it with a lot of care and gentleness. She said if I needed anything in the next little while, whether its taking some distance, to just let her know. And that I can come talk to her if theres any mixed signals. I told her i will have to work on putting her firmly in the friend box but my feelings are mine to manage, that she doesnt have to worry about that.

We didnt text each other after that day. Its been a few weeks. I do want her in my life as a friend because I respect and value her as a person and a friend. Also I dont want to disappear completely coz i dont want her to think i was only her friend because of ulterior motive of dating her- i wasnt. I am taking space to work on getting over my feelings, but I am someone who doesnt get over people easily. So Im wondering how to be friends with her, coz if i wait for my feelings to fully go away, the silence will stretch on for a while and lead to an eventual fade out of the friendship. I also dont know how long she would want space for, coz I dont want to crowd her or seem like a creep.

Any suggestions appreciated.

Hello, dear fellow INFJs.

Have you ever fallen in love with someone who genuinely loved you back, and with whom you could be 100% yourself without worrying about looking weird or suspicious?

I’m 28, and I’m realizing that I’ve only ever experienced more or less superficial forms of love, where I constantly felt the need to censor myself or try to seem cooler than I actually am.

Have any of you experienced genuine love while being 100% yourselves?

(This post isn't about romantic connections but friendships.)

All my life, most of my closest friends were either older or younger than me. At school this age difference was about 1-3 years. Now as an adult who was entered the workforce, I have noticed that most people I have a connection with are either older or younger. I am in my 30s so when I say older I mean 40s and 50s and younger I mean 20s.

With my older friends, I get along very well, we can talk for hours and I always appreciate their advice and guidance. With my younger friends I'm more like a mentor. I've noticed that they seek me for advice and I really enjoy providing my own opinion and helping then on their issues.

When it comes to people my age, I have always struggled to make friends. I do have friends my age but not many and while I watch others my age form connections fast, I feel that for me it is very difficult sometimes even impossible.

I wonder if other INFJs feel the same way or have had similar experiences.

I met someone almost a year ago, and I still think about them almost every day. There was an instant attraction, the kind that made me wonder, “Did I just meet my soulmate?” We clicked effortlessly, and I haven’t been the same since. I believe this person was an INFJ.

Do INFJs tend to experience connections like this and hold onto them for a long time?

If I ever write my first book, I think it would be a novel about silence. The things people think, feel, and carry but rarely say out loud.

Maybe that's because, as an ageing, introverted man, I've learned that silence isn't always empty. Sometimes it's where the real story is.

I've been married once, have no kids, and have spent a good portion of my later years living on my own. I've learned the difference between being alone and being lonely. Being alone can be peaceful. You learn to enjoy your own company, your coffee, your music, your thoughts, and the luxury of not having to explain yourself every five minutes.

But loneliness is different. You can feel lonely in a crowded room.

Getting older also changes the way you see people. You notice the things they don't say. The hesitation in their voice, the smile that doesn't quite reach their eyes, the sudden change in their behavior. Sometimes you sense something is wrong before they ever admit it.

And sometimes you wish you hadn't noticed.

I've also learned that some of life's most important conversations never happen. The apology that never came. The “I love you” left unsaid. The “I'm sorry.” The “I miss you.” The “Please don't go.” Words swallowed by pride, fear, timing, or simply not knowing how to say them.

Maybe that's what growing older has taught me most, we spend far too much time assuming there will always be another opportunity to say what matters.

There isn't always one.

So if I ever write that book, it won't really be about silence. It will be about everything hiding underneath it, love, regret, loneliness, forgiveness, memories, and all the conversations we carry inside ourselves long after everyone else has gone quiet.

And maybe the final chapter would simply be an old man sitting alone with his coffee, finally understanding that some things don't need an audience.

Sometimes, you just need to tell yourself the truth.

I wonder.

I recognise a pattern and I am trying to identify where it goes.

View Poll

How are your relationships with ISFP, INFP, ENFJ and ENTJ?

I ask because I am surrounded by them and I learn a lot from them but they also challenge me a lot.

I have also noticed getting quite a bit of heat from only one of the groups.

If you have them (the four) in your life, how do you have healthy relationships with them, challenges perhaps you experienced and navigated through them, etc. Thanks!

I have been thinking about this lately. Sometimes I wonder how much of what I believe actually comes from me, and how much has been shaped by the people around me, society, family or just the way I was raised.

And even when you know what you believe, do you always live according to it?

Do you ever find yourself questioning your beliefs or noticing that the way you live doesn't completely match what you believe?

Both in friendships & relationships

​

How sunlight streams through the sliding glass onto my half smiling face as I sit quietly

How Ólafur Arnalds' neo-classical track settles gently in my soul

How Ten, my familiar, lays close enough beside me that I can hear him peacefully purr

It's in these moments that I am thankful

for time,

a friend,

a home...

a life.

Is using our natural ability to care and connect in professional area to achieve a fulfilling career truly a good idea?

As a person with strong sense of boundary and medium energy capacity I've always wanted to be of help to others. My experience of growing in trauma gave me a major desire of wanting to aid people similar to my child self out of their misery so they may truly start enjoy living.

That being said, I'm still not sure if phichatric/counseling/social work is a good choice or should I save my energy and just be a nurse/assistance of some kind(without the crazy shift hours ofc) so I can focus on my own family building dream? I don't want to be an emotional absent dad because I was drained by work. Yet I also can't feel comfortable not fulfilling this desire of mine? Or would it the best to seek other way like volunteering to satisfy that?

Hi fellow INFJs!

I really need your advice on this.
I may have also previously posted and took a lot of the advices you all gave me.

I’ve been seeing this person since three months and I’ve run into this issue multiple times. Despite me expressing that he doesn’t really show any curiosity or ask me about my interests, it hasn’t really helped.

I get extremely agitated and super fast annoyed when it’s my turn to talk and he doesn’t let me finish my thoughts. In the middle of the conversation, he starts interjecting and after several times, I completely shut down. On top of all, I don’t find our conversations interesting because it’s talking about a very niche topic in details.

This week, it happened again and again and I’m just over it. I don’t feel like talking to this person although I like them and they’re super sweet. Talking to them feels very painful and I think I’ve started to grow a lot of resentment. It’s so dry and not personal and just so boring. They also don’t get my sense of humor (I’m not saying I’m the funniest but not being on the same wavelength is mad awkward).

I do like this person but whenever I speak to him, I am so annoyed and faced with the reality of how our dynamic is. I just don’t understand it at all. I feel so unexplored and so boring with him.

How should I go about this? I do like him and have feelings for him and he’s also going through a tough time. Part of me really doesn’t want to put any effort and I feel the doorslam in my bones. I am fighting it everyday. The other part is also hopeful that if we work on things, it’ll be better.

I don’t know.

I feel like people usually make wrong assumptions about me. They rarely tell me who they think I was, but I noticed by them being surprised by my interests or conversation topics.

I want one so bad! I like breaking the infj stereotypes a little of this safe nerdy being (not that I also mind being one) lol what is an infj stereotype you dislike?

sometimes i notice changes in someone's tone, energy, or behavior before anything actually happens, and honestly, ignorance sounds peaceful sometimes. do some of you experience this, or am i just overanalyzing every tiny shift in human behavior?

My friend is someone who often gets short with me. In a lot of situations where I haven’t provoked her, just because sometimes I speak quieter or try voice an opinion that she doesn’t like. Sometimes I just shrug it off but I feel like there has been an increasing number of times where she does this, over really small and silly things. I’m finding it hard not to let it get to me. I don’t feel hurt as such but more just annoyed that her behaviour is making me feel angry and even sometimes doubt myself.

Any advice for how to deal?

I think growing up I had a hard time fitting into groups and I think it’s because i felt like most groups had a certain dynamic and then stuck with that dynamic

Which is why I probably ended up with multiple friend groups but never really staying for long

I was with a group of music nerds because they go more in depth than my other friends and tend to be more emotionally intelligent and sensitive but when I want to play basketball or I guess not but as introspective as much they’re not interested

So then I have my other friend group who is the complete opposite of them but they do all the super active things I like as well. Only problem is they’re less emotionally intelligent and more aloof which can be annoying

This is a very basic explanation of everything but If you get the gist it’s more complex than this.

Which leaves me to what I was trying to say. I feel like there’s few people in that middle ground that can do both

Most INFJs ( if I do find any irl) tend to be able to do both

Idk what you guys think?