r/infj

If you're into music I'm curious about what your into. Maybe expand my playlist a little bit more, I'll go first( Journey : I'll be alright without you )

I have zero hesitation when it comes to celebrating people I care abouts birthdays, I will write thoughtful cards, give gifts, go out and make sure they feel celebrated/special.

However, when it comes to my own. I feel very little excitement whatsoever. It kind of just sneaks up on me every year and I never really plan anything or ask for anything.

Its my 30th birthday on Thursday and a friend texted me to ask if I had birthday plans and I just .. don't.

What is your feeling on birthdays? both your own and others.

I’ve been thinking about this lately. I can have meaningful conversations with people, joke around, share things about myself and genuinely enjoy their company, but there’s still this feeling that they only know certain layers of me.

And maybe part of the problem is me. I tend to reveal myself slowly, and some parts of me only come out when I feel really safe with someone.

Do you ever feel truly understood by other people? Or do you think everyone keeps a part of themselves that nobody else really gets to see?

I feel as though my notion of what you guys are is heavily tainted by borderline mythic stereotypes, which leads to a rather unhealthy cycle of infatuation and let-down. Like seeing some exposed layer, beneath the congeniality, which poses as some sort of developmental milestone to ever have explicitly detailed. So what do you guys even expect as a standard, or is it some Lucy, Charlie Brown, and her football game of personal development, where escalating expectations are meant to guard you from your own anxieties?

Op- INTJ female
Hi INFJ’s
My guy is INFJ and I would appreciate some input on what kind of support I can be to him.

Our relationship is unique and popped up suddenly and unexpectedly after casual acquaintance of 3+ years. It is a lot for us to individually process but I do see value in this relationship and definitely value him as a person. He is attentive, in-tune, intelligent, intentional, protective, observant and mindful.

The last few days have been introspective and this week it is time for personal interaction but I don’t want to be overwhelming or pushy. We each have been independent and single for a long time.

Can you share some ways that I can give thought to on how to support my iNFJ love interest?

Imagine two skittish horses attracted to each other for the last 12 months by a shared silent deep current, but with strong tendencies to bolt because it’s easier to stay single.

How can someone encourage your playful and jokey side to appear? What can a person do? What environments or activities or actions could help?

I’ve struggled a lot with being assertive, and it’s getting to a point where it’s negatively affecting me. I was wondering if any of you had tips on how to get better at standing up for yourself and saying what’s on your mind.

Thank youuuu😊

Hello INFJs, I am an INFP guy and I'd like to share my experience with the first INFJ I've met, who has also taken a pretty huge space inside of my heart lately.

We met as classmates in university, just a month ago. She's extraordinarily kind, competent and efficient as a leader. She's incredibly perceptive too, as she could point out the patterns in my head and give me some advice. As opposed to me, whose thoughts are all over the place, everything she said was so well-constructed, eloquent and convincing. She also cares a lot about people's emotional states, and she knows what to say to make them feel comfortable at all times.

She's a curious person, and her ability to synthesize information and reorganize them is just fascinating. She could always point out a logical flaw somewhere in what I say, which confused me at first because sometimes I shared statements as a personal experience, not an argument, but I've come to appreciate that little difference and started to think about my words carefully.

We've also shared deeper conversations about ourselves, and this is where I fell for her. Because aside from her knowledgeable and admirable side, there were things I was fortunate enough to be revealed to. I got to see her fascination with literature and poetry, what inspired her, what made her feel strongly, and the people who have had a significant impact on her growth. There was always this glimmer in her eyes every time she spoke about such topics, and I got very emotional whenever that happens. More than that, she also spoke to me about her insecurities, her struggle of feeling unseen, which I strongly relate to, and how she at times felt like a faceless person with multiple masks. In turn, I got to tell her about my deepest fears and desires too. I was more myself in a few moments next to her than I've been with other people throughout my entire life. The way we could immediately jump into the realm of ideas and theories and possibilities and emotions was something I never knew existed.

I've told her I wanted to understand all about her, to listen to more and more of what she had to say. She doubted the idea, understandably, because she didn't believe anyone could fully see her for who she was. But I wanted to do that so bad, since I have a soft spot for the invisible for I am such a one. Still, I know better than pushing for it though, so don't you guys worry.

Ever since I met her, my affection towards her has grown stronger as I knew more and more about her. I can't stop this stupid little heart of mine, INFJs. And I know we have a long way to go, that all these might not mean so much to her as they do to me. Sometimes I wonder if the conversations we had was just a mask she created specifically for me; if I'll ever be someone she can sit comfortably and share pieces of her with; or if the true, messy, and intense version of me might turn her away; and I've spent night after night thinking, hurting, ruminating about all of that. But the desire to see and understand her stayed true and has only gotten stronger.

To top it all off, I just wanna say you guys are fascinating, sophisticated, kind-hearted and somewhat strange mystics full of mysteries. I love you all so much. I couldn't tell her how I feel, so I decided to post it here as appreciation instead. Feel free to discuss or give me advice or whatever, I just needed to get all this off my chest! (｡>﹏<｡)

-Love, INFP guy

I really struggle with this!

I find it really amusing and admire people who can banter and come up with witty retorts so naturally. I find them VERY charming.

Sometimes, I want to keep up with it too. But whenever I try, it either comes out unnatural, makes things awkward, steers the conversation into something serious or philosophical, makes the conversation die down, or I end up having to explain that I’m just kidding (overthinking that they might have taken the sarcasm or joke too seriously).

I literally want to train myself to keep up with it. Hahaha. Sometimes, I do have some successful ones. Most of the time, I come up with a witty response 3 days later. 🤧

Anyone else struggle with this too? How do you guys come up with witty replies so naturally? I need to know your secrets 😭

Hello everyone!

​I’ve been reflecting on how being low-maintenance presents as an INFJ and wanted to see how many of you resonate with this style of living. For me, being low-maintenance isn't about lacking ambition or letting life just happen to me. It comes down to energy management and keeping a low-complexity lifestyle baseline. Because extra fuss, overstimulation, and unnecessary daily complications drain my battery so quickly, I naturally keep my routines, environment, and daily demands very simple and low-key.

​At the same time, maintaining a low-fuss lifestyle doesn't mean compromising on what matters. While I’m easygoing on low-stakes daily decisions; like schedule shifts, minor inconveniences, or flexible plans as I remain completely uncompromising when it comes to my core values, personal lifestyle choices, and personal dealbreakers.

​I feel like being "low-maintenance" often gets mistaken for being passive or having low standards, but to me, it feels more like intentional energy efficiency. It's about saving energy for what actually matters rather than burning it on superficial maintenance. Do you identify as low-maintenance in your overall lifestyle, and how does that balance play out for you day-to-day?

I’ve been wondering , are there any INFJs here who are able to have something casual, or at least something that doesn’t have to be that deep?

From what I’ve seen, a lot of INFJs tend to crave deep emotional connections and meaningful relationships

I’ve never really pictured myself doing anything casual
because I naturally want emotional bonding, deep conversation , romance, and something that feels meaningful

But after being single for a few years, I still really crave romantic connection. And being asexual makes finding someone compatible even harder.

So lately I’ve been wondering if there’s a way to experience some of that romantic closeness without necessarily having a serious, long-term commitment right away. I mean having someone to share affection, romantic dates, cuddles, little moments, and that feeling of being romantically connected to someone.

The problem is, I don’t think I’m actually capable of keeping it casual. I’m not even sure I’d be interested in trying if I knew there wasn’t going to be any emotional connection.

For those of you who can separate romance and affection from deeper commitment, how do you do it? And for those who are like me and can’t, how do you deal with that craving for romance when you’re single?

I don’t think friendship completely fills that particular need for me. I genuinely crave romantic connection

I’m just wondering if there’s a way to experience some of it without making everything so complicated

I'm fascinated by Ni and I'm curious what the experience is like to be on the receiving end.

As Ne yappity yaps away at you, what goes on in your head? Drifting, spacing out / day dreaming, are you connecting it to an internal lattice network?

Do you have an urgent desire to burst through the Ne flailing word waterfall and say shut up?

Or as more ideas come along is it just captivating and holds the interest to keep listening?

Signed:

Ne trying to understand the conscious internal experience of Ni

I am a musician who works a day job unrelated to music. While I enjoy many of the people I work with, I end up drawing a hard line between work & non-work lives, to the point that I can tell it feels strange to people. I have many folks I work with blocked on IG, for instance, and hide my shows, etc. from them.

Recently I opened up to a few people outside my department, but they were both creators (visual arts & fashion, with a deep appreciation for music). One is an incredible painter. I could see this happening again, but notice that usually the people who I connect with and trust enough to share my creative self with tend to be other people with a creative practice. They don't have to be "successful" with it (I certainly am not).

When my supervisor and closer coworkers who are not creators/artists themselves ask to connect offline, I find myself guarded and have an emotional distrust of them, and I don't know why. Does anyone feel this way? Where your inner world feels strange enough that anyone who doesn't create / doesn't have a similarly strange inner world (even if ironically, they think they do) would somehow destroy it by just seeing but misunderstanding it?

My offline circle is primarily people in niche arts scenes, and all my close friends with a few exceptions throughout life have been musicians or people I met through music.

I wouldn’t label myself as quiet, but definitely an introvert or someone who can be shy/timid in new environments… and something I can’t help but notice are the small ways people disrespect me under the assumption that I won’t retaliate or just generally feel more comfortable with testing my boundaries.

For example, I recently went to a work conference and was sitting at the cafeteria at my own table (that could seat two people). Someone had left trash on the table next to me. It wasn’t mine, but a peer came with another colleague to sit at the table next to me. Instead of throwing away the trash that was there, they picked it up and placed it on my table. Keep in mind, this happened as I was actively sitting there, watching them get seated and settled. I was definitely a bit upset about that.

I think they got the message when I asked them “uh… is that yours?” and proceeded to remove the trash off my table.

With every person I meet, the pattern is as clear as day and it points to me being the common denominator. Because I am.

I love humanity. I love how diverse people are and it enriches my life to get glimpses into someone else's thinking. That being said, I've been longing for close souls ever since I was a kid and I am so alienated.

With most people I don't even attempt to get to know them deeply, after they've shared a few thoughts of theirs out loud, I simply close the door to any hopes we could understand each other and be the friend that other person needs. Some recent, tangible examples:

1. “I've never really discussed politics with friends, it tore the group apart when we did so to be friends again, we declared we won't bring up who we're voting for haha.”

2. “I talked to that problem child and for the first time I thought she could be from, like, a bad family.”

It's always something like this. Actions match as well.

When I do get past something, in order to work with a version of me that ends things prematurely, I still end them. Just later.

I've befriended 2 people in recent years and both have experienced my “It would feel unjust from my end to continue being close friends when we don't feel close” talk. Phrased stupidly for simplification here.

The reaction was the same, oftentimes is. People just don't perceive those differences.

I'd love to hear other people who share this experience. And people who have been “doorslammed” by us as well. This alienation has been weighing on my heart all my life, I would so love to just have a close friend :'))

I’m at the end of my thirties, and I’m not thrilled with how things have turned out. I did office work in my early twenties and got bored, so I switched to teaching overseas. I did that for 8 years abroad and 2 years in the USA (one in person and one online). I burned out teaching as it’s a constant performance and my class in the USA had sooo many issues that I burned out from all the emotional overwhelm.

No one will hire me now outside of teaching besides retail, but that’s tiring too. Both that and teaching you have to be so “on” all the time. I just want to switch back to office work because I had energy for hobbies and volunteer work, etc. Also, I’m living with my parents in a very isolated place where I’ve never felt at home because it’s a poor cultural fit, but I can’t afford to move.

Are others with this type aimless?

I was talking to someone (33M) long-distance for a few months. We were both INFJs, which was something we actually talked about early on.
We video called regularly, texted a lot, eventually met in person, and things went really well. It felt serious, we talked about future trips, seeing each other again, and even him eventually meeting my family.

Later, he relocated to another country for work and his routine became much more demanding. Communication gradually decreased, and we agreed to take some space while he adjusted, then reconnect later to talk about whether continuing still made sense for both of us.

That time came, but he never reached out. I eventually messaged him asking if we were still going to have that conversation, and it’s been several days with no response.
At this point, I’m starting to accept that I may have been ghosted.

Since we’re both INFJs, I’m curious: have any of you withdrawn like this when overwhelmed, or experienced it from another INFJ? How do you stop waiting for closure when someone just goes silent?

I know how other people feel pretty easily but when it comes to myself I find it kinda difficult to know what I’m feeling the only time I definitely know what I’m feeling is when there’s big emotions like laughter, tears or when I lash out.

Since I know for sure I’m an INFJ I thought this community would be the right place to ask.

Hi everyone, how did you find your current or last partner?

After a rough breakup, I took some time to recover and eventually decided that having someone to love is worth the effort. The problem is that I'm struggling to actually find said someone.

I started dating again through dating apps and by socializing with new people, after almost a year of isolating myself because of how rough my previous relationship had left me.

And honestly, a lot of good things happened. I met new people, made new friends, created new connections, and got back in touch with some old ones. I got out of my comfort zone, started hiking, going out for drinks and partying occasionally, and somehow even discovered that people actually like having me around, which was a pleasant surprise I was ignoring so far.

I've even ended up being perceived as the party organizer by the small group of regulars I see quite often. It's honestly priceless seeing people genuinely care about me, root for me, and show up when I need them. And it was a crazy year overall.

But here's the problem, dating apps absolutely do not work for me. They feel incredibly artificial and performative, I burn out quickly, and I get ignored anyway. At the same time, I now have a bunch of valuable connections that keep me away from the apps out of sheer laziness, even though none of them have really led to romantic opportunities.

Funny enough, I've been on a date with a girl (not from an app), and I've been asked out by two guys in the past few months (I'm straight though). There have also been occasions where I could tell someone was attracted to me. I think my main problem might simply be the volume of people I meet.

What I really struggle with is how unnatural dating can feel. I hate the guessing game, having to make the first move, trying to figure out whether someone is interested, etc. From my past experience, I've found that when there is genuine mutual attraction and intentionality, things tend to progress pretty naturally.

I'm sure there's somebody out there for all of us, but I genuinely don't know what I should try differently at this point. So, how did you meet your current or last partner? What actually worked for you?

P.S. I'm just a homebody approaching my mid-twenties in Rome, with solitary hobbies involving plants and fishkeeping. I suspect dating works somewhat differently here than what we tend to see on socials.