r/infj

I know we can be stubborn sometimes! What did you learn the hard way?

I’m an INFJ (29F, 6w5), and recently I had a conversation with my boyfriend (ENFP 8w7, if that matters) about rebuilding friendships and opening myself up to people again.

For context, before we started dating, I left a long-established college friend group I had been part of for years. On the surface, it looked like a close-knit girl group, but underneath it felt shallow. The breaking point came when I finally opened up in a really raw way about my struggles in my PhD program. Instead of support, they told me I needed professional help and that they couldn’t really “be there” for me emotionally.

What hurt most was that we had been friends for over five years. We had gone through cheating scandals, weddings, trips, breakups — everything. I had been emotionally available for them countless times, but the moment I stopped being the easygoing version of myself and showed vulnerability, it became clear they didn’t actually want the real me. Leaving that group was painful, but it also gave me clarity.

At the same time, I had started developing another friend group that initially felt healthier. We were closer emotionally and had also been friends for years, but there was still toxicity in the dynamic. One person struggled with control issues, and another had difficulty standing up for themselves. Honestly, our dynamic kind of reminded me of the friend group from “As Told by Ginger,” and I often felt like Ginger.

When I started dating my boyfriend — who is very different from my previous friends — they judged him heavily on a superficial level before really getting to know him. That didn’t sit right with me. Despite my boyfriend doing nothing wrong and even trying to apologize and smooth things over, it became obvious that one of my friends was testing whether I would choose them over him. It felt immature and honestly very high school.
In the end, I “chose” him, though really I chose what felt healthier and more respectful. While they eventually tried to apologize to both of us, more drama surfaced over time and I gradually distanced myself. I still keep in touch with one friend because we were able to work through things in a healthier way, but outside of that, I really only have her and a few childhood friends.

I even tried reconnecting with my older friend group recently by attending a party with them, but everything still felt superficial. My boyfriend met them too, and even he walked away feeling like the connections lacked depth and authenticity.

My boyfriend really wants me to have people in my life, and I understand why. I’m estranged from much of my family due to abuse and racism — I’m Black, and they disapprove of the fact that my boyfriend is white. Because of that, friendships became my version of family for a long time, which is probably why I tolerated unhealthy dynamics for so long.
I’ve tried explaining to him that I deeply value authentic, emotionally safe relationships, and those are hard to find. At this point, I’d rather be alone than force shallow or unhealthy connections just to say I have friends. Still, he worries that if something ever happened to him, I wouldn’t really have a support system.

I know he’s not entirely wrong. I do want meaningful friendships again, and I know I need to stay open to them. But it feels like every time I’ve opened myself up fully, I’ve ended up attracting emotionally immature or unhealthy dynamics. So now I’m trying to take things slower and be more intentional about who I let close to me.

I guess my question is: am I making excuses because I’ve been hurt, or am I finally being wiser about the kinds of people I allow into my life?
For the record, my boyfriend definitely isn’t pressing me on this or even thinks I’m making up an excuse. He just opened the conversation and I kinda spiraled so now I’m seeking advice.

Any advice or thoughts?

Hi everyone!

I wanted your opinions on if we should be faking our personalities or not? Most people think I'm doing something wrong when I open up about my fake extroverted personality, however, I cannot deny that it provides me some safety and social cohesion. My normal personality is kind of intense and off putting for most people.

Ideally we wouldn't need to of course, but INFJs is one of those personalities that doesn't mesh exactly fluently with most others, so we find techniques in order to match and meet others where they are.

It can also be disorienting that when I feel comfortable, or when I'm trying to 'rest', I am extremely quiet and just observant, people think I'm sad (obviously), and start to worry that I'm not feeling well. Obviously, the focus is not to encourage that kind of thinking as well.

hey everyone, i feel like i need to just get this out. i’m 18m and an INFJ-T (obviously, since i’m here). lately i feel so stuck, like time has just stopped for me while the rest of the world is moving in fast forward. i’m always observing things, especially when i’m not the one doing the driving. i just watch people and their emotions, the way the world moves around me.

i love sitting in parks or quiet places, looking at small patterns. i try to look at the night sky at least once a day. yesterday i saw the moon as a crescent with a star aligned perpendicular to it, it was beautiful. i used to love sketching and reading so much, but between academics and the stress of my future career, i don’t have time for it anymore. i feel a bit hollow sometimes.

the tough part is i’ve never really experienced love. not parental love, my parents treat me like an investment i need to pay back. and i haven’t had real platonic friends or a relationship either. it’s not that i’m lonely in the sense of being alone, but that worst kind of loneliness where you’re around people but they aren’t really *there* emotionally. my “friends” are just acquaintances, surface level stuff. they seem to remember me only when they need something.

i did meet a couple of people i thought were friends. one was really gentle, i tried to encourage him to talk more but he said he didn’t feel safe. i tried to care for him but didn’t get it back, which hurt. another person i really vibed with, our interests matched perfectly, but we got separated by work and life and now we rarely talk. it’s sad.

i’m shy and introverted, kind of timid. i was the quiet one who was often ignored because i was too emotional and caring. at one point i tried to act extroverted to fit in but it was so draining. i know my interests are gentle, which doesn’t always match how people see men.

i’ve seen guys on reddit reaching out for genuine friendship and getting flagged or ghosted, which is understandable but it adds to the feeling. in my teens i was obsessed with getting financially independent, and i stuck to that. but recently i’ve realized how disposable i feel. sometimes i wonder if i disappeared would anyone even notice? i’ve had thoughts about giving up, but a part of me still wants to live, hoping the future gets better, hoping someone actually cares.

i haven’t been in a relationship not because i can’t, but i choose not to. i have this intuition about people that i just can't ignore. most people seem to want transactional relationships based on looks or money. i want a quiet relationship where love and care are the main things. i know that sounds like a dream right now, especially with the swipe culture and situationships everywhere.

i feel left out. i just want to care for someone who cares back. i’ve tried being the listener, the therapist, but people just use me and leave. i know i have high standards, maybe too high. i’m scared of ending up in a toxic relationship that shatters me, but i also wonder if i’ll ever find my soulmate, someone who accepts me as i am.

I feel like how to find the purpose of my life,I read in this community, someone said that most of us INFJs are loners due to our deep thinking and other such traits.

What's your take on this

Thanks to all the beautiful people who are reading this post,i know it got a little long,i really appreciate you spending your precious time reading this post,can someone please give me a little advice how to figure out these things,how you got through it,any story of yours you can share if you're comfortable.

And I am geniunely sorry from the deep of the heart that if this post hurt anyone or offending,I am geniunely sorry.

From this cloud

I used to think we’d grow to be alive and free,
but it’s a bit more than complicated for both you and me.

I used to think we’d arrive at forever, which sounded great yesterday but today its not better.

I used to think that deep down we all felt the same,
maybe you and I, but we don’t all play the same game.

I used to share this feeling to spread the word,
but not everybody understands, and sometimes it’s better unheard.

Desire for love so sappy, so vain,
that I can sit in my bed all day and wish we were all the same.

What am I thinking? What will I do?
I guess I’ll get up and join the world in our zoo.

But baby, please don’t get too close to me,
I’ve got a lot on my mind, and I’m not sure what you’ll see.

I hope one day we’ll figure it out,
but for now it’ll just be me watching from this cloud.

I really want to because I've been thinking about this a lot while building something around personality patterns. do people actually change or just adapt?

I recently met another INFJ and it feels… delicious and slightly scary how many things we seem to have in common.

We seem to share a lot of values, similar sensitivities, similar ways of processing things, and even similar emotional depth. What surprises me most is that he expresses his sensitive side more openly than I do, which I find both touching and a little destabilising.

I’m taking my time and not projecting too much, but it feels genuinely nice to meet a man who is curious, communicative, passionate, and actually interested in knowing the woman in front of him.

Before this, I had a connection with someone who was an INTJ, older, and the communication broke down very quickly. I know this is not true for every INTJ, of course, but the contrast is wild. With this INFJ, the communication feels much more fluid, warm and emotionally present.

I don’t know where it will go, and I’m staying grounded, but I’m curious to see what this holds for us.

Have any other INFJs dated or connected deeply with another INFJ? Did it feel intense from the start?

I am an infj and i notice i feel guilt so easily. Guilty for taking up space. Guilty for any tiny thing that could be done or said wrong. Guilty for any potential way i could have affected somebody. Often without a genuine reason, i think? I’m not sure haha. Is this an infj thing or just a personal issue i have? Anybody who can share their opinion with me pls? :)

As the title suggests, I want to know if any of you miss high school. I'm curious to know what yalls high school experiences were like.

I found myself lose interest over things that are simply popular, say it stranger Things, the sole reason I didn't watch the series yet is because it being too popular and even other stuffs.

do you lose interest in things because they are popular?

I’m considering it and would love to hear any experiences you’ve had and challenges you’ve overcome, and how to get started!

For some time, I have been looking for a simple, easy-to-understand definition of the word "intuition". Today I finally found it:

If Sensation (S) = Concrete reality
Then iNtuition (N) = Predictive simulation.

So, introverted intuition (Ni) is an internal simulation of our external functions (Fe and Se). By using Fe data, Ni can predictively simulate people's actions, feelings, reactions, and behaviours. And by using Se data, Ni can predictively simulate events in the outside world. Then our introverted thinking (Ti) logically understands and explains constructed simulations.

Hey guys,

I am considering going to a Master in Human Rights?

You think its a good fit for INFJ. I don't buy into stereotypes of us being social workers or therapists.

Purely from Ni-Fe-Ti-Se, you think it's a good fit? I might go into policy or research.

I'm so tired of constantly feeling all of my emotions and geninuely want to know if there's a way to stop caring so much about things. I'm constantly craving a connection where others reciprocate the same way but feel disappointed when I realize nobody (really) cares about me. Has anyone else managed to change their mindset and be more mellow and nonchalant about life and people?

how do you cope with homesickness and inability to belong

I really don’t know if this is specific to INFJs in general but what I noticed about other subs compared to many other subs is that there’s rarely any downvotes here 😂

My theory is we tend to understand more perspectives than most so not a lot of perspectives really surprise us or would give us a reason to differ.

I would say though when it’s soemthing completely
Asinine I have no problem downvoting

I think you really have to grind my gears if order for me to downvote I don’t downvote just to downvote lol

What you guys think?

Hi everyone,

I wanted to ask if anyone relates to that, being appreciated only after You're gone because the things we do to make work, relationships, life of others better in general are not grand gestures or visible kind of things.

It's things like holding space for others, remembering details, being gentle and kind because of remembering their pain, support, but not too much, being balanced and the glue of the group, letting people unfold on their own and witnessing that.

But from the outside it doesn't seem like much, until You're not there and then there is a chance someone might see a difference.

It's like being a gentle swan that looks so calm and collected, but actually paddles a lot under the surface of water.

It happens to me especially at work. Anyone else? Any tips?

Hey everyone, i just want to take a moment to share my story, things I realized about myself and others, and how we can work on it to find the stability, peace and love we're all yearning for. this one's gonna be a long one y'all. and none of this is scientifically proven, just my opinions, and if you don't quite relate to it all, or any, that's okay because i don't think i would've accepted it even a few years back. but i still humbly advise you to just read it thru, turn on your intuitive mode on and give it some deep thoughts. at the very least, let it sit back in your subconscious mind and maybe it'll help you make it all click in the future.

okay, so just briefly to talk about myself, being an infj male, i've always felt disconnected with the world and my inability to "move on" and being in a constant overthinking and negative state of mind, my life has spiraled down quite a bit. I've pretty much been cut off from the society for a quite a bit but fortunately this did allow me to introspect a lot and became a lot of things and learned more about myself and the world.

i hope that all of you are not as "unhealthy" as I was and maybe you can grab a few things and try to apply in your own lives. bear with me, as i might be all over the place, ill try to cover as much as possible, sharing my own mistakes and thinking process and how we can work to improve our own lives.

first, it was only a few years back when i first came across this whole mbti thing and infj. being usually very skeptical of everything, it shocked me to the core when i found out because like it was literally spot on. not a single thing was off which was crazy bc everything was so complex too. it was even more jarring to see that there are so many of us lmao and i just hope this can help you.

thinking back, as long as i can remember, i never felt connected with the world, i guess always yearning for that deep connection like the most of us. and it got me pretty depressed thru my whole life. i wish i can tell you that i was this pure hearted angel, but if i have to be completely honest, i did act out, i did make fun of people as well and other hurtful acts but didn't really think much of it at that time.

also that disconnection with the world and taking things too personally like insults, name calling or whatever, eventually lead to disdain to the people around me, and growing up it eventually became a deep resentment towards people as i always felt unsatisfied with life.

a lot of you may relate, but i've always had high ambitions for myself (and i still do in some sense lmao), wanted to do something big, make a lot of money etc. i use to work extremely hard as a kid but i think my sleep issues and negative mind state kept me in a fatigue stage and it just spiraled down from there.

also, i've always found small talks, these "societal etiquiettes" rules, just everything, i've found them "fake", "inauthentic", sort of beneath me, if im being 100 real, just resorting to people just being selfish, self centered and all. and not gonna lie, when i see people "being in the moment" spending good time togther, being love, enjoying life, sure on the surface maybe i was just dismissing it as being selfish, but deep inside i was just upset that i couldn't understand or have that myself and always yearned for it.

like the many of us, i couldn't stop myself feeling all these emotions around me, all the pains in the world too, as if i should do more to help, "save the world", "fix the world", etc. sometimes it can be super positive like damn im meant to realy help the world at whatever cost but often times due to being negative it can be like "damn these people don't deserve it". then feeling guilty about feeling that way lmao. just a lot of these contradictory thought process all the time.

and i have helped people around, have listened to their problems, have pondered for hours on how to help, etc. but what i came to realize is that on the surface, it may look real and genuine but the deep intention wasn't as pure as i made myself think it was. what i mean is that, me trying to help or save the world wasn't purely because i want that person to do well (i mean a big part of it is, but) but there was that subconsious intention that i was trying to feel loved, build a connection, feel respected, have control, feel like the person doing a good thing, etc. and also a big part is that i was expecting reciprocity whether it be some level of genuine appreciation and/or the trust that this person would do the same for me in the situation or in the future.

and you know how it goes, it never goes the way we want, and my brain flips and judges the person with disappointment. but quite strangely, i don't wanna disconnect with the people neither. it always lingers in that hazy, murky state where i don't truly hate or like the person, sometimes huge negative feeling like damn fck this guy lol or sometimes it can be okay still we gotta work this out. but never truly stable. never in the moment.

and this applied to relationships as well. all my relationships have failed and i never really understood why and resorting to just demonizing that person as "selfish' "bad" "unworthy" etc at the same time, never truly letting the person go and get it out of my mind. i knew deep inside the "right" thing to do was just let them go and genuinely wish them happy but as much as I didn't want to be, i couldn't reach that level of peace. and this applied to just relationships in general, just overthinking everything, worrying about what people are thinking, viewing me as, or have said to me, etc causing social anxiety and all.

and maybe shy when first talking to a person, while i did practice some social skills and all, it still feels a bit unnatural as if im trying to be someone i'm not. also in the past, you know how it goes, i tended to overshare, overlisten, offering unsolicited advices and wondering why there's no reciprocity etc lmao.

and for making money as well, i have big dreams(spending hours day dreaming lol), the perfect idea of what i want to do, but rarely actually doing anything to make anything happen. i think this applied to other parts of life as well like exercising, appearance, social skills, etc. just had this big vision but never really working towards it. and being in the state i am now, looking at everyone else around me, just feeling disappointed and in that victim mental state, but i know this is wrong and want to change but somehow the ball never moves bc all my energy is just trying to sort my thoughts, never in that truly focused state.

but allow me to share some of my thoughts on all of this. please let your guard down a little and give it some deep thoughts. maybe, just maybe, now or in the future, it can help you click some thing in your mind...

so what i came to realize is that my thinking and feeling process/structures was different from everyone else's. i think in my opinion (no proof of this), people are driven by ego (self preservation), friend or foe , and (respect or no respect). and everyone including infj have a logical side and an emotional side.

we see people living their lives and dismissing it as "selfish" but i think in my opinion, they just don't feel guilty living their lives because they don't feel the emotions and aware of them like we do. they have this mutual respect/boundary between people believing "you live your life, i live mine. if we spend good time together, let's do it." where as infj,s are constantly bombarded with different feelings and awareness that we don't have that respectful boundaries between human beings, and we sort of see it as "beneath" the higher truth.

but it hurts me to tell you that i was and am selfish and self centered as well. i also have my ego. i also look for respect and status. i also want to live my life. because if i didn't have any of those, i would not feel bad at all when i don't achieve my goals, if people insult me, or worry about what other people think, etc.

and it made me realize, as it goes against my thinking process entirely, one of the biggest blindspots in my life was that i was never at peace because i never came to accept (and embrace ) my own flaws completely. like my mental state lacked anchors and too weak, too emotional to fully accept fact as fact. i'm not just talking about outside flaws like appearance, making money, social life, mistakes, etc but more subconsiously my own selfishness and self centeredness. i think a lot of reasons had to do with that, one being that its hard accepting imperfection, and i guess a big reason is that maybe i had this delusion thinking i didn't want to be "like everyone else".

and this was shocking because if i admit truly that i am selfish and i am self centered as well, i'd lose my identity and in some sense, i'd lose that "one thing" that i hold dearly for. I think this was why i tried to hide it by projecting that onto others thinking everyone's selfish or often overcompensating by trying to take on other people's problems, being generous etc. yes there are real altruistic motives as well as i enjoy seeing people happy but, i don't think it was purely for them, but rather filling my own emptiness. not to mention, if there was no reciprocity, it just disappointed me greatly.

so i think if you're having similar issues, you need to work on yoruself to accept "limitations" of yourself, others and life in general to gain that peace. Instead of wondering why this, why that and feeling empty, we can build anchors/structures in our minds and lives, so that we can find peace, love and happiness. we will never be like everyone else (and that's okay) and i'm not trying to make you lose your identity to "fit in" but rather just build enough awareness and humility to finally enjoy your life. in fact, if you work on yourself, you can be more than you can ever imagined now currently.

Okay, so i want to share some ways i think we can build some structures in our minds and lives to give us some peace. like i mentioned below, we need to learn to "accept things as they are". i am a human being just like everyone else. i have flaws, made mistakes, have ego and have my own limits. once you let your guard down, and accept that you're just a human being as well, like eveyrone else, you gain the self respect, the humility to truly reflect on your own mistakes and accept others as they are, embrace them, instead of trying to "fix them".

cuz one thing i really realized recently is that, i never truly respected the people, for who they are, as another human being. i know this is kinda weird and extremely hard to visualize, but i think i saw them as like an extension, a segment, like a side character in my movie-like life. like a romantic, fairytyale, hero's journey, lmao etc some movie. i subconssiouly put them into this role, this box of what i think they are, or what i think they should be like. and honestly this is just human nature, but the key difference is most people respect themselves naturally to pull away if they don't feel respected and actually enjoy the time with others bc instead of analyzing everything, they naturally respect and accept that person. they atcually ENJOY the time with other people, NOT analyzing, jduging, worrying, etc.

and let's be honest ourselves, would we want to be around with someone who we sense that is uncomfortagble with themselves, judging, analyzing lil our mistakes and flaws, or someone that respect us as oureslves, accept us and truly enjoy spending time with us. we have this belief that listning to thei rpoblmes, getting into deep convo builds connection, and all of that can look 99% true on the otuside, but the foundation is not there. it's not stemming from respect but rather our own selfish need.

so we need to become aware that, the people are not our side characters, but their own individual beings, wiht their own thinking/feeling process, ego, spiritual journey, insecurities, issues in life, etc. what helps is to become aware that TIME is the only absolute in this world. we all take it for granted, especially when you're young, and i had this view of time and life as, segments and stages, where i do this, i get married, get kidsk, make money, and die. But try to shift yoru view on time. time is not segmented linear like that. it's more of a flow.

and the real truth is that the future is not guaranteed, and most of all it is LIMITED. you can leave the earth in 3 days, you can leave it in when you're 100, but EVERYONE leaves. like literally everyone. the people you think have the perfect lives? they go too. they people you hate? they go too. and most of all, your loved ones like your parents who you think will ALWAYS be there for you, with you, will be gone too. but if you leave before them, that's even worse, bc you are giving them a heartache you cannot even imagine.

Sorry for all that...what i'm trying to do is really help you build a new perspective on life. know that we all have limited time here, even if everything works out for you perfectly the way you imagined, does that really matter? you reach that point in 10 years, you will still feel empty. the key to true happiness is being in the moment, because thats literally all you have. of course this is easier said than done, especially for infj, but what you CAN do is, build enough structures in your mind to reach that point naturally. because you will always have negativities in your life, whether its outside factors or within your own mind, but with even structure and peace, you can allow them to be flushed down gracefully, or at least not enough to pull you down to the black hole.

So, to recap, first truly become aware that we all have limited time here on earth and everyone has their own journey. don't treat and see othres as our side chracters but with respect, humility and kindness that genuinely come from our hearts. peopel do sense fakeness even if you are not awrae of it. be aware that we're THEIR side characters. try to see yourself in THEIR pesrpective like visually, get your intuitive mind on and see yourself as a side character. and you will realiae, what you think they are htinking and what you think they shoudl be thinking, and what they are really thinking is COMPELTELY different. and this is just ball park too, we'll never truly know. and honestly we don't haev to, its impossible

just accept it as a limitation of life. allow this to humble you, let it go and accept it instead of just torturing yourself with endless thoughts. you treat everyone with genuine respect, humility and kindness, you will fix 99% of your social problems. give respect to everyone, but EARN respect by working on yourself. be proud of someone that they want to be around with. Also most importantly, respect people's EGO. don't try to fix people. focus on respecting them. we all have our perspective on lives and even if the help is the best way, our ego plays tricks on us.

we have ethis vision in our mind where we feel liek we "see everything" but what we see is just a third person perspective. we never truly see what the person is seeing form their own pespective. be aware of that and accept it. be humble. and if you DO want to help, do it very respectfully and do what actually would help by expanding your knowledge first. what matters more than intention is the result, but of course intention should be there too. so if you want to "save the world", start by building yourself first so you can actually take actions.

And i totally understand if none of this really sticks to you. you may need some time to put all the dots together. But a big factor is your physical health. we infj's have to take extra care for our physical health because we tend to dwell on the negativity too much. we need that extra strenght, clarity and focus to naturally rise above that negativity.feelings and let our "lgoical" side shine and vice versa. build structures where its necessary so when it's safe we can let out usual awesome infj creative side shine and make our lives extraordinary.

Yes you should eat right, sleep, lift wegihts if youre a guy, but most imoprtantly...if you get ONE THING form this post is...HIIT CARDIO. where you run super fast for like 30 seconds or a minute, then walk for a few min, then repeat a few times. What this will do is build a natural dopamine system where youre just generally at peace and happy, allow you ro thave neuroplasticity where you can redirect your mind above your feelings and ego, be strong enough to admit accept your mistakes, etc. it will change your life. all the revelations i had was after doing this for a few months.

Also don't fixate on the result. the only perfection you can achieve is the amount of effort you put in. Your goal is not to reach perfection in your life. Your goal is to raise your health, clarity, focus, awareness and conscsiousness to a point where you realize none of that matters and that you are truly in the moment and you are just grateful to be in that moment.

Be in the Moment.

INFJs love to talk about being INFJs. I did. For nearly a decade.

Then I noticed: every time I reached for the four letters, I was avoiding a more specific question. Why am I tired. Why did I cancel that. Why does this person make me leave my body. The letters answered too fast.

This is not a "MBTI is fake" post. It is more like: the type was a starter wheel and I forgot to take it off the bike.

The thing that actually helped was writing one honest paragraph a day. Not journaling. Not gratitude. One paragraph about what I caught myself almost doing.

The letters were a frame. The paragraphs are a mirror.

Any other infj chronically lonely despite having a decent social circle?

I find myself to be a fairly deeply lonely person and wondering if it's just a me thing or if this is a trait and feeling shared amount this personality type.