u/Jambacrow

I'm 23.

And at this point.....I'm just tired. I've gone through so much damn cardiac testing, I've wasted so many resources, and every test comes back clear, my doctor straight up told me he thinks that my heart is healthy, my gf is adamant that my body is safe, but I don't believe them. I keep using AI, even if I know it's not much better than google. I litterally lose sleep over it, even if i know that makes it worse.

I'm just utterly convinced that I'm fragile. Because it feels like the moment i assume I'm safe, my body throws another brick at me that proves me wrong. It's gotten to a point I avoid exercise or certain foods I deem "unhealthy". 2 nights ago, my gf said something that made me realize just how far I've gone now, she's got a point. I spend every minute of my day assuming the worst. I keep relapsing. It's consumed my entire life at this point, i cant even go on vacation or long trips because I need to constantly be near a hospital to feel safe. At work i can barely cope enough but it's always at the back of my mind.

I don't know how to stop. I want feel safe in my own body again, but my body is so noisy......so inconsistent......and i feel so guilty for being so needy. I worry it'll ruin my relationship.

My doctor put a 30 day heart monitor on me. He suspects I may have dysautonomia, so he gave it to me for a month bc my flares are just so.....random???

But I'm also autistic and this heart monitor scares me. I want to take it off. It's one of those live monitoring ones and I am just terrified of every beep, notification, and i'm terrified of getting a phone call. I'm scared of being alone. I know I need to just......do it. But I feel like I can't. I'm having a hard time with it even on.

So how did ya'll do it? How did ya'll get through all the testing? Pls some advice bc this is just too much for me but I also know I need to get diagnosed