Failing relationship
I (25F) have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I feel really lost right now.
I have vaginismus, so penetrative sex has never really worked for us. It hurts and my body just won’t allow it. In the beginning we tried, but it was frustrating, and over time I started avoiding intimacy because I could see the disappointment on his face. It made me feel broken and guilty. Also I have tried dilators but it didn’t worked for me.
He’s asked for oral, but I don’t enjoy it. I’ve tried, but it makes me uncomfortable and I just can’t get into it. Now when we do anything intimate, it feels like I’m just doing it for him, and I feel kind of disconnected from myself in those moments.
Because of all this, my libido has pretty much disappeared. I don’t feel desire the way I used to, and I miss feeling close and natural with him. He constantly fights with me by saying I feel like friend to him and not a girlfriend. He says I don’t initiate intimacy with him qnd that he wants sex and oral in a relationship. I still love him so much, but I’m scared I’m not enough for him anymore, and that he might eventually leave.
I feel stuck between not wanting to force myself into things that feel wrong, and not wanting to lose someone I love. What should I do?