The most traumatizing two weeks of my life, but I'm still here!
TW: Self-Harm and Sui*ide Attempt
I want to share my story while it's still pretty fresh.
Husband (38M) and I (39F) have been together since high school; over twenty years together and nearly 16 married. He has struggled with anxiety and depression since before we ever met and I have always tried to support him as best I could. Two weeks ago, he admitted to me that he felt he had been suffering with a p*rn addiction for the last 7 years of our marriage. I was hurt that he kept it from me, and made that clear, but figured we would discuss it later when we weren't trying to get our kindergartner fed and to bed.
He went in to work at midnight and, long story short, left work early, drove to a hotel, and attempted to take his life. Sparing you the details, it didn't work, and he ended up calling 911 after realizing he wanted to live, and was Baker Acted.
He is doing much better and focusing on positive goals, and I no longer worry about him being an immediate threat to himself, BUT during his mandatory rehab stint, he admitted that he has been communicating with women on Reddit/Snapchat on and off for years, and that he physically cheated on me with a woman from his hobby community, and another that he met on Reddit and has been chatting with on Snapchat for year, usually while in his studio, smoking weed. There were three meetups with the second woman; a platonic hangout, a fooling around meetup, and a sexual meetup. The last one happened a week prior to his attempt, and the anxiety and shame of all of it apparently led to him believing everyone would be better off without him. All of the physical stuff happened in the last year.
I know this is not my fault, but I can admit, looking back, that I wasn't happy in our marriage. He was spiraling, and I was too busy to notice, and he was too afraid to tell me. I didn't love the amount of time he spent holed up in his studio or the fact that he needed to smoke several times a day just to get through it. I love him, but he wasn't the man I wanted to be married to.
He immediately took accountability for all of it, cheating and the attempt, and has expressed daily how grateful he is to be alive and to be here with our child and with me. He said he hopes for reconciliation but understands if I can never trust him again. Today is trash day, and he threw out every bit of his weed and paraphernalia, as well as all the physical p*rn media he had. He's been exercising every morning, repairing his relationship with his parents, and overall being more open, honest, and communicative than I've ever seen him. I have always been worried he would self-harm, but I was blindsided by the cheating because that just isn't the man I knew. My therapist has suggested that he was using weed and sex as a coping mechanism (not that that is an excuse). This made sense to me; I've seen the message exchanges and spoken with him and believe the cheating was not an attempt to find romance or another relationship. Even in the long-term Snapchat affair, she seemed to be way more into him than he was into her. This isn't an excuse; it just feels like the truth to me. He has said every day that he wants to and is committed to putting in the work, be a better man, and be the man he was meant to be. He has apologized multiple times for taking me for granted, for trying to leave me in the world as a single parent, for nearly leaving our precious child, for the cheating, etc.
Now, I find myself wondering: do I want to try to reconcile? I still find comfort in being near him, in touching him. He has been my best friend and my person for over half my life. I love him and truly want what's best for him. We both have therapists and will try couples therapy at some point, but I feel like part of me is saying "hmmm....what else is out there? Could I even start over at 40? Would anyone want me?" I don't know that I'm even interested, but I know it's not something I have to answer right now. Remorse can be genuine, but it's not change...where do I go from here?