I want to get in the way of a married man's relationship but I know I need to let go
I am a female. I posted a question here yday. Basically I was reached out by a girl in my highschool before she married a guy I used to date, to ask if I had sex with him while we dated. Reason being is she wanted to confirm he's a virgin. Reason being for that is she lied to him about being a virgin herself and he's such a good man he believed her. He never lied to her, me and him never had sex.
Her husband is the only man I've ever loved or crushed on. I had a crush on him from 13 to 18. Never dated any guys in HS it was only him I liked. When I graduated hs he finally asked me out. I Have so much trauma from a horrific abusive childhood with a strict East Indian mother. She always told me I was bad, esp when I got male attention. Basically I sabotaged the relationship and told him I'm pursing my career and education I liked him so much but didn't feel I deserved love because of what my mother wanted me to believe.
I never had sex with anyone else or dated anyone else. I just studied and lived a miserable life. It's been years and I'm finally starting to unlock my traumas after I cut contact with my family. I'm just now discovering my sexuality since I've been asexual.
I know it's too late. But I want to tell him how I feel. That it wasn't because I didn't want him, I always did. I'd do anything to be with him. I could leave it at that. But I also know his wife's secret. I know her ex bf and that she's had sex with him. And I also don't think her husband knows she reached out to me to ask if we had sex before they got married, because she didn't trust him when the person who was actually lying is her. She even told me tuat the reason shes asking me if we had sex is she needed to know she could trust him. Her and I used to be good friends and she stopped talking to me once she got with him.
I know it's too late. I know the ship has sailed. THey might even have kids I don't know because she removed me from her social media. I cry a lot thinking about my life and him. I never fell in love again. He was my chance at leaving my trauma. He showed me I did deserve love. I can't believe I've ruined my own life.
He has a business fixing HVAC. I know this is horrible but I literally want to invite him over to have a look at my furnace just so I could talk with him. I might just be happy with a talk so I can explain how my traumas impacted my judgement. I would pay him for his time. Idk do I need to move on?