I guess its a vent
Im so confused about my health. I dont know whats wrong with me. I feel broken, a black sheep, I never fit in, I never get to experience anything good in my life. It's all been trauma and abuse.
I also have hypermobility and other problems but I just feel like a failure and broken. I've done lots of meds, I've done years of talk therapy. It all goes nowhere. Im always feeling broken and cant enjoy life that im a failure and loser and wasted my life. Im 37.
Why cant i just be happy. I feel like no one taught me how to live and dont know how to figure it out. I dont know how to cook its so overwhelming. I suck at basically everything and feel guilty that i suck at everything.
I accomplished some small things in my life but it feels like nothing. I feel tired and depressed all the time, unmotivated and overwhelmed. I try so hard everyday and I dont even want to try anymore.
Now im a mom and feel sorry for my boy who is 3 because his mom is a loser and has nothing to leave to him, nothing to show for him. It doesnt help that my in-laws told me several times I do nothing for the family I have no roll or purpose.
I get up everyday and take care of my son, keep our schedule for the home and appointments, I've moved countries, learned a new language, I have a degree in graphic design, i worked full-time since I was 14. I managed 21 stores across my old country and would fly around.
Now im just a mom who doesnt work, doesnt have a purpose, does nothing for the family. Im lost in a country i dont understand. I feel so unhealthy, I have no connection to my partner emotionally, all we do is fight because im empathetic and my feelings are dismissed or treated like im an annoyance. I dont know if I even love my partner anymore. We cant get into couples therapy because theres a shortage here. I have no family or friends in this country. My partner and his family are narcissistic (diagnosed and self proclaimed).
It hurts seeing people have such fulfilling lives and succeeding. I truly do get happy with others success and then I come back to my life and feel empty and then guilty for feeling this way and not just being happy with what I have.
Im hurting and lost and dont know how to live like a normal person. Im tired of latching onto hyperfixations just to feel something for a while. I dont know what I want from this post I just have no where to turn. Maybe someone out there feels like I do.