Impossible-to-please mother wants to live with me
A year ago, I helped my mom move to my state to live near me. She was living near my brother, but her incessant requests that he drop everything for her were driving him crazy and he needed her to go. I had her move here to give his mental health a break.
She lives in an independent living facility about four blocks from my house. The location is perfect because I can get to her quickly and more frequently than I'd otherwise be able to, and I can stop at the store for her on the way over.
But she keeps pushing to live with me and my husband, which is not a good idea. It's mostly because she doesn't like the food there. (Her apartment has a kitchen and she cooks her own stuff most of the time.)
My mother is intrusive and oblivious. She doesn't understand basic human interaction rules (it's like she fits the definition of autism in this respect), which means she is constantly saying inappropriate things -- insulting us, or hurting my feelings. If she isn't getting her way, she can get nasty very quickly to where it feels like it's coming out of left field.
Her own mother drove her crazy (and her mother was a nice person). She refused to let my grandmother live with her and my dad because she knew she wouldn't be able to stand it. And she swore up and down she would never be a burden to me or my brother. Now, here she is, wanting to live with me.
The biggest problem here is that my mom is incapable of being happy. Everything is always terrible where she lives. Any house she's ever lived in is "always falling apart." When I was growing up, it was always my dad's fault for buying the wrong house or not repairing something fast enough. After my dad died, it was my brother's fault for living 3.5 hours away and not being able to come over and change a light bulb instantly. It's like the woman has no concept of how to locate and book with a service provider of any kind. When you suggest she call a handyman, she gets pissed off because she thinks we should do everything for her; that she shouldn't have to pay a handyman. Never mind the fact that she always told us that we "owe her nothing." I lost count of the number of times she complained about her own parents keeping score, swearing that anything she did for my brother and I came without strings attached. I believed her.
She moved closer to my brother so he could help her more, but it wasn't enough for her. She complained constantly about the house she bought and how she'd "overpaid" for it. She had the backyard relandscaped and then killed half of it because she couldn't be bothered to water it (even though she had a programmable system and I had created a custom instruction manual for her). Every time something happened at the house -- AC out, broken water heater, roof repairs needed -- my brother had to handle it all for her. She acts like she's completely helpless. And every one of those incidents was the end of the world -- her crying and asking "Why does this always happen to me?" as though no other homeowner in the history of the universe has to deal with repairs.
So we all decided that she couldn't handle owning a home; that independent living was the way to go because she could just pay one bill and not have to worry about anything. She's had that for a year now, and all I hear are complaints. Texas was better; her house was better -- she's forgotten all the complaints she had about it. That's how it's always been with her, though. She hates a place until she leaves it. Then, the old place was heavenly and the new place sucks.
I don't want her living with me because not only will she annoy the crap out of me, she will be unhappy! I don't want to have to listen to, "I should have stayed where I was. At least I had X and Y." (And I don't want to help her move yet again! The woman's a hoarder, for one thing.)
Also, I love my house and planned to stay here. It's not big enough for her to move into, though. We'd have to move to a bigger place, which costs money, and it would mean that someday, I'd be old and stuck with more house than I can handle and NO ONE to help me deal with it. I've told her that, and she doesn't seem to care.
I can't figure out how to get her to understand this and stop asking for it. Just when I think we're all clear on how our relationship works, she gets clingy again and starts crying and saying she wants to live with me. I'm going to school full time right now. I'm almost 60 and will be starting a new career, and not by choice. And I have relationship problems as well. I can't handle her b.s. on top of all of this.
I love the mother she was when I was growing up, but I don't like the person she is now. If I worked with her, she would be someone I would avoid. But I don't want her to get all dramatic and start crying and saying she's moving back to Texas. She can't afford the move, and Texas is NOT big enough for both her and my brother to live there. We looked into independent living places there, and none of them had kitchens. That was a no-go. She can't buy another home. So WTF can she do but stay where she is?
I'm just so sick of the crying and her being miserable. Yes, she's on antidepressants and sees a counselor. I've told her she's the common denominator everywhere she goes, and that she has to figure out why she can't be happy before she can even think about moving anywhere else. Aside from that advice, I don't know what else to do or offer her.