TW: DV, suicide
Some details changed for privacy
My ex (45 at time of death) and I (42F) divorced 5 years ago after 18 years of marriage, due to escalating DV and his severe alcoholism, drug abuse, and cheating. We also had two kids, now a teen and a young adult. After the divorce, my ex didn't stay in touch with my older child who he already had a very poor relationship with, and kept in very sporadic contact with the younger.
Ex moved out of state after the divorce and didn't try to maintain a relationship with the kids. He committed suicide last year and his only brother was understandably heartbroken. However neither of my kids seemed to be upset about the news. They didn't have a relationship with their dad for years by the time of his death, and most of their memories of him are negative and scary. They don't have a relationship or stay in touch with anyone on his side of the family, especially my BIL. Partially due to BIL's actions after my ex's death, as he basically raided my ex's house and took anything of value including tens of thousands in tools, furniture, guns, other valuables. There was not much left for my kids besides a few keepsakes. My BIL also asked me to basically hide my ex's abuse and not say anything to the rest of the family. My kids and I ended up not going to the funeral because they wanted to avoid him.
Now to my dilemma - my BIL reached out and said he would like to pay for a memorial at a nearby cemetery so my kids have someplace to visit. How do I diplomatically tell him to save his money because my kids aren't going to care? Of course I will ask my kids and ultimately it's their choice, however I've tried to shield them for all this BS as much as possible. Help me navigate this with grace.