Fumbling My Way Through...
Fair warning: verbose post 😆
I was devastated when my ex-fiancé cheated on me in my early 40s. I've been guarded/terrified to be hurt again since his betrayal. I've only had 2 casual arrangements/situationships since our relationship ended in December 2018. The first was a 2-year waste of time, the second was one of the best years of my life, which ended in late June 2024. I just reconnected with the 2nd guy in early March,18 months after we split. We'd maintained intermittent communication via text/IG, but only saw each other once (March 2025) since we separated. We have such great synergy intellectually & sexually, we have a fun, playful, respectful dynamic. But, he's not someone I can build a future with due to his avoidant attachment & insistence that he wants kids (he's 39). I haven't seriously dated someone since my ex-fiance & & I want to try for something more meaningful. I want to experience intentional, meaningful partnership again.
A couple of weeks after my ex & I resumed hanging out/hooking up, I matched with a coworker from 30 years ago on FB dating. He told me he had a crush on me when we worked together. We clicked right away with such incredible alignment of beliefs, interests & values—I joked with my friends he’s like a male version of me. Due to his coparenting schedule, his car breaking down & other variables, it took 3 weeks for us to meet up. He also lives 90 minutes away & has been swamped at work; he's a professor & was wrapping up the semester. Our first date was great, we talked for 4 hours before getting kicked out of the coffee shop due to a private event, then continued talking for 2 more hours in my car. At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I told him I wasn't letting him out of my car without kissing him 😉
We had good synergy/mutual interest & our communication was reciprocal/steady. I felt giddy & romantic for the first time in years. He made it clear he was looking for true partnership, not just something casual. Then, during a video visit a couple of weeks after our date, he says, "I was thinking maybe I should just stay single since things always end badly." he said he didn't want to ruin a potential friendship (paraphrasing) Then he started getting more sporadic with communication. So my brain is like "great, he's losing interest" due to my hypervigilance around abandonment/rejection. Then I started feeling lukewarm.
Of course, after I had a fantastic date, my most recent ex decided to (finally) tell me he loved--he swears he doesn't want to interfere with anything. I always thought he loved me & was too afraid to say so, but the timing wasn't ideal. We talked for about 5 hours & he was able to let his guard down/be vulnerable--which was always a struggle for him. It was clear we missed each other the whole time we were separated. We initially agreed we shouldn't continue having sex because of my new promising prospect. But when my former coworker's communication/energy shifted, I wondered how much loyalty I owed someone after one date. So, I resumed sleeping with my ex. As one of my good friends pointed out, "We could all die tomorrow" My ex & I love each other, but don't really align long-term. I have my 2nd date with my former coworker today, we're checking out an art exhibit. I'm trying to keep an open mind, but my enthusiasm has waned significantly.
I don't want to hurt anyone, including myself, but I want to enjoy the companionship available to me.
Edit for clarity: my ex knew I was open to dating people who were better-aligned & looking for more than he can offer. My former coworker & I haven’t discussed exclusivity as we’ve only had one date.
I’m actively working on myself to address self-sabotaging behaviors through therapy & Al-Anon. Taking accountability for my behavior is vital to me!